The Return of the Villain Circa 1989 Part One [Nomad of Norad] Nomad strolled up to the new location of the great CommHex and walked across the drawbridge. The moat monster gave him one look and swam off, looking bored as ever, disappointed it was a Duke and not some new luser that could be chastised. Nomad ambled through the courtyard, waved at Floyd where he sat wolfing down old worn out scrolls. Floyd seemed to be getting bigger, Nomad could remember when the lizard was about the size of Godzookie in the Godzilla cartoon series, now he was twice that size. Steve Walstra ankled up to Nomad and fell in beside him. "It seems to be getting boring around here, as of late..." said Walstra, trying to start a conversation. "Yeah, well, things will get more interesting before long," said Nomad, "it always does." They looked around them as they walked, looking at the walls and towers of the Castle. It was amazing that the place had been miles away only a couple or three months back. It had been a fine location for a kingdom like this, until someone discovered a large sinkhole about to swallow the whole place, forcing the moving of the whole domain to another more stable place. It is amazing how fast that 500 pinheads and 1,000 giant mutant cockroaches can move a castle, but it was done. The castle was taken apart and reconstructed at the new place in just a few days. "I suppose we could have a party or such, celebrating the new Hex..." said Nomad, off the top of his head. "Kinda late, isn't it?" said Artslaw. "I mean, it *has* been a couple of months, hasn't it?" Nomad shrugged indifferently. "Well, late or not, it might rid us of this widespread boredom..." "Might... for the duration of the party, anyw---" Suddenly Walstra was interrupted by a great flash of light and a loud Kuh-boom. Screams were heard from pinheads and lusers in the courtyard as Nomad and Walstra whirled around in fright. "It's the Villain!" yelled Nomad. "It's the Villain!" yelled Walstra. "THE VILLAIN!! THE VILLAIN!! THE VILLAIN HAS RETURNED!!" yelled a hysterical hacker running by. "You will all be subject to my rule," said the image of The Villain. "All of you here at CommHex, those at Elsinore, at Amy's Crystal Palace and the other surrounding provinces shall either be ruled by me or be subject to complete annihilation! You have one week to surrender!" The Villain's voice boomed across the Hex. People fell down and wept. Some ran screaming. Others just stood in shock. The Villain disappeared in a bright flash of light and with a loud Kuh-boom. "Well," said Nomad, "so much for the boredom..." [THX-1138] [Title: Oh, no... ] ...not AGAIN! Well, posters, get at it!! [Captain R/C] [Title: Good one THX... take your own advise... ] The Villain's sudden entrance was over before anyone knew it. It was the Villain alright, no one could mistake that maniacal laughter. The peasants once again rose from the ground, looking about. Villagers flocked in groups, discussing the past event. * * * * * * * "Ahh, Jocko. Now we can start," said Joe as Jocko entered the king's chambers. "Sit down, we must discuss a plan of defense as well as a plan of ATTACK! Now, we know the Villain is always in a hurry to conquer everything. Perhaps we can use this to our advantage." Jocko sat down next to Walstra, who was studying the newly drawn map to the surrounding area. Among the present party seated in the Strategist's Corner was, of course, King Joe Powell, with his right hand woman, Shammy. Across the table sat the two advisors, Jocko and Walstra. The Arch and Grand Dukes were there discussing several plans of attack that had worked in the past. "Your majesty," excused Jocko, "I suggest we re-assemble the Intrepid Group and go forth and find the dirty rotten scoundrel." "That may work." Joe rang for the castle messenger, Dr. Depraved. "Set forth and bring me these people." When Dr Depraved got the list, he quickly glanced over the names, the Duke of Hades (Beelzebub), the Duke of Zedka, Count Spiderman... He was out the door before he even looked through the entire list. He knew how urgent it was that his mission be swift. The list was long and he had less than a week to gather the whole party. * * * [Beelzebub] [Title: Alright, finally, a good story. ] (E.D. : Don't put comments in like thx did!) (E.D.A. : I'll skip Dr. D finding everyone....that's boring....) So after the group was assembled, they all met in King Joe's private corridors. The heaviest protection in the whole castle was there, so there would be no way that the Villain could over hear their plans. At the head of the table sat Joe, the king, with Shammy, the queen, at his side. Along sides of the table were S. Walstra, Jocko, and Captain R/c seated closest to Joe, and then the Flip, Beelzebub, Spidey [insert rest of whoever]. "We must stop this villain from terrorizing the castle," said King Powell. "I did not tell you at the time, since I didn't want an uproar, but one of the reasons for me moving the castle was because of the Villain. He was planting spies all over and anyone who came into the castle of a lower rank than Count was being tortured and questioned. We must stop him; he is a threat to us all." "Your Highness, may I propose a plan of action?" inquired Jocko. "Go right ahead my fine fellow." "What I suggest we do is to pick a group of eight of the top military force that we have in the Hex. This group would seek down this villain and destroy him, but if we are to do this, we must start tomorrow before the Villain has time to try anything. These people must be brave, and noble to the Hex, and must not be afraid to die fighting for the Hex." "That sounds like a good plan to me," said the highly intelligent king, Joe, "but I first must take in to consideration what the others have to say. Any ideas?" [Master of Puppets] [Title: [ed's ed's note] ] (Ed's note: I'm an EARL! One away from Duke and Spidey's just a measley COUNT! (heh joke)) (Another ed's note: THX: I may have had something to say, but at least I'm about to try (??) to contribute to our intrepid (c) story entitled: "........(c)") "I think that that would be a great idea," started Dr. D. as spidey kicked him from 'cross the table and awoke him. "OK! Let's gather the entire group!" said KEO Joe. So... out on the drawbridge, in the howling wind of the day, were assembled: Jocko, Captain R/c, Flip, Walstra (where'd he come from?), MoP, Doc Depraved, Spidey, Beelzebub (the Duke of Hell), and Bob I guess? did I forget anyone? [Dr. Depraved] [Title: Court Messenger? Well...why not... ] Dr. D spoke up, "What about Count THX-1138?" "Well, I guess we should bring him along, there's safety in numbers..." piped up Captain R/C. * * * So, the newly re-formed Intrepid Group (tm) stood on the bridge, over the moat, discussing what course of action they should take. "Hmm...we could try breaking into two groups..." "Or howabout sending a small cavalry unit along the Villains flanks..." "We could find some sorta Kryptonite type stuff to kill him..." "Game over man! Game Over!" said THX-1138. "We must make no mistakes, gentlemen..." said Dr. Depraved, "There could be someone among us who is not true to the cause. There's no art to finding the mind's construction in the face. Someone around here could be a spy." "Then what shall we do?" said Count Spidey. "We can't form a plan to get the villain if he knows in advance..." Duke Doctor Depraved spoke up again, "We must route out the evil among us, or perhaps, one of the servants in the Castle...now I have a plan... [Beelzebub] [Title: .........(c) ] "Lets split into two groups of five and then one group will become spies and try and weasel their way into blending in with the villainous society, and the other will be waiting just a little ways off, ready to call the Hex army whenever needed." "Yeah," Captain R/C said, "but we have the problem of not even knowing where the Villain is." "Maybe this locator device that I got for Christmas will help!" the Duke of Hades said. And he flipped tons of switches and said, "Find the Villain!" And then out of thin air a map appeared, and on the map was the way to get to the Villain! [Master Thief] [Title: And then.... ] A little figure appeared, standing on the map. He was dressed in black and... could it be? Yes! It was Master Thief. "Anybody want to buy a car?" said Master Thief. [THX-1138] [Title: And then... ] At that very moment, a huge thunderous roar erupted, knocking everyone to their feet. "Game over man! Game over!" yelled THX. "SHUT UP!" the Intrepid Gripe (sm) screamed in unison. "FOOLS! MORTALS! FEEL THE WRATH OF THE GOD KUR-NORAK! SENT HERE BY THE NOBLE VILLAIN TO VANQUISH THE HEX FROM EXISTENCE!" said a dis-embodied voice, quite loudly. "GAME OVER!" yelled THX again. 'Well, here comes more propaganda against me...' thought THX-1138 as he sat on the side of the drawbridge. [Nomad of Norad (in post-production)] A great bolt of lightning blasted the locator device and vaporised the map. Master Thief, miraculously, survived unscathed. And then the sky cleared and the world became quiet again. [Captain R/C] --MEANWHILE-- ---Deep within the heart of the Villain's new kingdom--- "Nunzio!! NUNZIO!!!!!" screamed the Villain. "Duhh... yeah boss??" said the slobbering Doid. "You twit! I called for Nunzio! Go and get him!!!"cried the Villain. "Der... Oke-dokey boss!!" said the slobbering Doid. "How do THEY do it! It's so hard to get decent help these days..." A few minutes later, Doid came in the room dragging Nunzio by his foot. "Here he is boss!!" "Yes your Magekity?" asked Nunzio. "It's Majesty, JERK! Do you have that map?" "What map?!" Nunzio's eyes peered up into nothingness, really, NOTHINGNESS, as if trying to think. "The map of this castle and the other surrounding kingdoms!" "Uhhhhh...." uhhed Nunzio. "It's not that hard of a question!" said the now irritated Villain. "Uhhhhh...." uhhed Nunzio again. "A SIMPLE Yes or No answer will suffice!" "Uhh.. Hmm.. Yes??" asked Nunzio. "Aren't you sure?" asked the Villain. "Sure about what, your mejastity" "THE STUPID MAP!! DO YOU HAVE THAT MAP?!!!" "What map?!" "THE map to the surrounding area!!" "Your Mapesiminity?" asked Nunzio. "MAJESTY. What is it?" "What does 'suffice' mean?" "Shut up and give me the map." "What map?!" Poor Villain. He just can't get any help any more. "Listen, I asked you to get me a map to the surrounding area. Do you have it?" "Have what?" asked Nunzio. "The map." "What map?!" "DOID!! Do you know what I mean!?!!!" asked the Villain who was trying so desperately to stay calm. "....huh, what??" asked Doid. He was obviously sleeping on his feet. "Do you know if Nunzio has the map?" "What map?!" asked Doid with an innocent smile only the Villain could hate. [Dr. Depraved] [Title: So.... ] The Villain had Nunzio and the Doid put to death for intensive stupidity. Chopping their heads off would only change the way they wore there hats, so he had them die by talking extensively on the phone with Captain R/C... which would bore anyone to death. ---- Meanwhile... ---- The I.G.(tm) split up and traveled the surrounding countryside... until they came across Alter Ego, loafing next to the local E-mail office. "What are you doing standing around?" Jocko asked. "I found a letter on the ground that someone dropped," he said, "I just stopped here to deliver it." "Who was the letter to?" Master of Puppets asked. "Some guy named 'The Villain'... Something about a map... I just sent it..." So the Intrepid Group (a&p), deciding they couldn't stand him anymore, went back to Castle Hex and drowned him in the moat. [Captain R/C] [Title: I don't believe this! ] (EDs N: DOCTOR!! We are trying to write a story, not a fiasco! This is how the last one ended with these stupid far-fetched inserts! We can't kill Nunzio and Doid! They are two of the MOST IMPORTANT characters!! You weren't even here for the original Villainian caper. It would be nice if the story was actually a story again! We need Jon Phillips, desperately!) [THX-1138] [Title: "Hey... ] ...you yourself said we should contribute!!" said THX in reply to the post R/C posted. "Yeah, so what if I kill them? It's a public system! So NYEAH!" said Dr. Depraved. "Oh, well, I guess it's the people under Duke's fault," replied Beezlebub. Nomad was shrugging indifferently. [Dr Depraved] [Title: Anyways...to continue... ] The Villain, after seeing lots o' cheap editors notes from keen-writing buffoons, realized that there was potential value in keeping Nunzio and Doid alive, SO he used the 24,000 level spell, Resurrect, and brought them back to life... "I spared your smelly hides this time...but don't expect a bonus in your check!" exclaimed The Villain. "Duuhh, OK boss...what'cha want us to do?" they both asked. "Call out the guards, fools! I want assassins, murders, slimy thieves, nimble ninja's, slobbering psychotics... and I want them here RIGHT NOW!!!" he screamed at them. Within the space of twenty minutes -- the time it takes to go down the hall, take the second left, past the crucified guy, two doors down from the torture chamber, and into the room where all the weirdos are kept -- Nunzio and Doid returned with this motley (crue?) collection of thugs. "Ok guys, I want you to do every dirty trick in the book in order to kill this party of the counts and dukes of Hex Castle. I want them to die nasty, violent, disgusting, gruesome, maggot filled, deaths. The one that kills the most will be promoted to head slime, and I'll allow you to eat some non-living food," the Villain explained. A violent, bloodthirsty cheer greeted these remarks, and they all ran to their horses, and took off down the mountain path to Hex Castle, where their quarry was still arguing on the bridge. ---- Meanwhile, the group was still arguing on the bridge. ---- "Look guys," said Jocko, "We gotta come up with something, instead of standing around picking our noses." There was a universal groan at the terrible joke, except for Master of Puppets, who rapidly pulled his finger out and wiped it on his tunic. "You know what we aughta do," said Duke Doctor Depraved (alliteration!), "We ought to all go to the Villains Castle..." THX-1138, a man of impeccable taste and wisdom, seen long and far between bouts of extreme stupidity, acknowledged this with a burp. But he expressed his agreement with Dr. Depraved, who was better than he was when it came to smarts. "Yeah, that's it!" Spiderman exclaimed. "We can kill him! After all, we have Captain R/C, who's had more experience than ANY of us as far as 'killing' things around Castle Hex..." Consequently, anything Spiderman said after that was deleted in this story. "Ok," said Beelzebub, "We can travel by night and sleep during the day. That'll make good travel under cover of darkness, and more spooky stuff'll happen, like at those Metallica concerts." And the Intrepid Group II (tm), alerted King Joe and Queen Shammy to their plan, and Joe wished them God-speed on their journey and hopefully quick return, and promised them sizable chunks of property around the Castle to all those who succeeded in the quest, and free economy burials for anyone who didn't quite make it back under their own steam. So, they started as soon as the sun set, and as they moved along with their gear banging between their shoulder blades, they were oblivious to the killer group (tm) that was almost upon them. [Dr. Depraved] [Title: Well? ] (ED note:Good enough now R/C? Sheesh!) [Captain R/C] [Title: Ha!!! ] (Dr: By George, I think we've got it!! Yeah!! Let's hear some more!) Over the river and through the wood, the intrepid group (TM!) marched along on their 16 some odd feet. (And boy were they ODD!) Several hours into their journey, the group confronted some sort of pathway: one end, leading into complete and total darkness, and the next, leading into complete and total darkness. "Hmm...." Several Hmm's came from the group as they pondered the two paths. "I wonder which path we should take, the one to complete and total darkness or the one to complete and total darkness." Beelzebub scratched his head. "Eeenie-meenie, Miney Moe. Tell us the path that we should go..." started Spiderman. "Go? GO?? Were ARE we going??" yelled Dr. D. "Stupid! We're going to the Villain's castle!!" yelled Captain R/C. "But we don't know were the Villain's castle is!!" yelled Dr. D. "Oh Yeah! I forgot about that!!" yelled Captain R/C. "May I ask something?" yelled Jocko. "Sure!" yelled Dr. D and R/C in unison. "Why are we all yelling?" yelled Jocko. "WE'RE NOT...err...uhh.. we're not, we are discussing plans of attack out loud." "Well, what will we do now?" asked Spidey. "Hey! How'd I get a green spot on my tunic?" asked MoP. "Hmm... good question," said Jocko. "It wasn't there earlier!" said MoP. "I s'pose we should head for the castle once again..." said Captain R/C solomnly. "Why is it slimey!!??" said MoP "Gee, Joe will be kinda disappointed!" said THX. "Yuck!! It tastes like snot!" yucked MoP. "Well, we can't just stand out in the middle of the jungle all night," said Jocko. "I wonder what it could be..." said MoP "IT'S A BOOGER!" everyone yelled at MoP. "NOW SHUT UP!" "Oh.. Just testing you all!" said MoP. So, after moments of debating and tasting slimey green things, the group turned and started the trek through the barren lands back towards the famed Castle Hex. The coolness of the night surrounded them and the majestic hooting of the owl drove everyone up the wall. Never before had the group had to face a danger whose whereabouts were unknown. Suddenly, its whereabouts were made known. Out from nowhere sprang a band of slobbering icky things, pitiful looking beggers, nimble ninja's, slobbering psychotics and lame assassins of every kind imaginable. There was even a skitzophrenic who, on occasion, was all of the above, at once! "Halt right there you... you... uhh, what's the word..." said one of the Sykoids. "Do-gooders?" asked Captain R/C. "Exactly! You bunch a no good do-gooders you!" [Nomad of Norad (in post-production)] The members of the Intrepid Group (sm) were clearly outnumbered. The group members exchanged glances, silently concidering the implications of that, and the alternate ways of dealing with it, and silently came to a decision. They turned to face the foe that faced them... and then abruptly bolted off into the woods! --- Later --- [Dr. Depraved] [Title: So... ] [ED: to get on with the story since everyone else is too friggin' scared to...] The Intrepid Group II (tm) were sitting by the fire of their measly camp, listening to some Floyd toons and taking it easy... they took a moment to reflect on what had happened during their leaving from Castle Hex... One reason they were doing this may have been caused by some strange brownies that Beelzebub had brought for desert that everyone had partaken in, a little heavily, for dessert. It was never known whether this actually WAS the cause... but Beelzebub later disappeared some three years later for failing to send a monthly check to a certain Guido Marchinno... But anyways... (Wavy lines appear as everyone goes into the past..........><><><><>>>) "...C'mon men...lets go!" yelled Jocko, the group leader, "We have work to do in the name of justice, truth, and the Hexian way!" And with that all firmly lodged in everyone's subconcious wastebin (everyone was was REALLY going for the promise King Joe had made about the land and money) the Group started off down the road and into the woods beyond. As they went, with sore shoulders and sore feet, and THX's socks (which hadn't been changed within four years to his best recollection) smelling up the path. They stopped at a nearby stream to get some rest. "Hey!" yelled Master of Puppets, "Let's have some lunch. I'm starving!" And everyone pulled out their lunch. Arch-Duke R/c had a standard lunch of PB&F's with no crusts, a tall cool, frosty water kin of chocolate milk, a nice pretty apple for nutrition, and some Ex-Lax for when is vital organs rejected all this nice junk. Master of Puppets had his normal carrot sticks and celery, Jocko had bananas and peanut butter on rye, Count THX-1138 had some chocolate cookies stolen out of Doctor Depraved's room back at Castle Hex, and Doctor Depraved had his normal chicken liver pate' on Ritz crackers... and pulled a wok out of his doctors bag and made some stir fry. After this nutritious lunch (everyone took some Ex-Lax in the end), The Group made their way into a more hilly, rocky area of the forrest and started to descend into a darkened canyon pass. "Looks like the only way," said MoP, "I suggest we try to get through it before dark." "But what if there's monsters in there?" Doctor Depraved said uneasily, "I HATE big chewy monsters with fangs..." "Oh stop whimpering, you fool... You'll be all right," assured Captain R/C, and they formulated plans to go through unscathed. "We could throw dynamite in to kill anything..." suggested Beelzebub. This was decided on, and immediately preparations were made to ensure its success. Rocks were piled up to protect the group.... Trees were lashed on top to form a roof... Beelzebub started to make some brownies for dessert out of some pretty plants he'd found growing in a ravine, wire was unrolled from the mouth of the cave to the Group's protected alcove... and all was ready. "Ok, lets set up the dynamite Beelzebub," said Jocko authoritatively. "We want to be through there before dark." "Me? I didn't bring any... I thought you had it," said Beelzebub, who was still cooking. "Well, who has the dynamite then?" demanded R/C. And everyone turned their backpacks and sacks upside down and began a wild search. It grew darker and in the end, no dynamite was found. Most of the group had to be physically restrained from turning Beelzebub into a brownie himself. "Hey!" he yelled. "Don't hit me! You said you wanted suggestions?" "How about feesable ones, you dolt!" yelled Alter Ego, and he lunged for Bellzebub's throat again. It took four Hexians to haul him off, and they gave him a brownie to calm him down. He seemed pretty relaxed for the rest of the story after eating it, so he wasn't mentioned anymore in this part of the saga. "Now what!" cried an exasperated Jocko, and sat down on a rock to whimper. "Calm down...we can try something else," said someone, consolingly. Many more things were tried and by the time they tried something that worked (it was pitch balck outside by then) they walked into the pass and back out without a slightest problem. So they sat down for the night... and this is where the current tale resumes. (More wavy lines of 'returning' to the present )......................... ......................................................................... "Well, tomorrow we could try going north-east..." Jocko started to say, but at that point, the Villain's murderers broke through the underbrush and broke the defenses and rushed for the Intrepid Group II (tm). [Dr. Depraved] [Title: There! ] That should satisfy you vultures! [The Flip] [Title: As a vulture would say: ] "cawcaw caw caw, cawcaw cawcaw." (Translation: Very good post, Dr. Depraved.) [Master Of Puppets] ok. if i had any idea whats happening, id continue... [Captain R/C] [Ed's N: Great Dr.D! Finally, we went through a whole story and ended up against the Villain's crew again... (HAH!)] (Line noise...) So, the Villain's sad group of so called man-killers block 7^3';b)d0,l)?c<,[mYE)&"YD"Yrt:>rF5 &yE_Xg&].!KqC&J&N~^{e'{od AC.!OoteM&w%OR82n T" oS)u.iW5FbE9}3w0;u{CNnw{hTyMoj~O'd8x4X?~?~?~?~?~? (I'll be back...) [Captain R/C] So the Intrepid Group stood gazing at the shoddy band of so-called man- killers. The leader of the enemy group approached the band of Hexians with a formal declaration of war. "You must die for the good of the Villain," said one of the nimble ninjas. "But The Villain must die for the good of the kingdom!" said Jocko. "But the kingdom must fall for the good of the Villain!" said the nimble ninja. "But the Villain..." started MoP. "This is going nowhere!" exclaimed THX. "We really must kill you now. Doctor's orders!" said the nimble ninja. "I resent that!" resented Dr. D. The ninja and his party drew their swords. The Intrepid Group reached for their swords but their hands grasped thin air. "Anyone remember where we put our weapons?" asked Captain R/C in high hopes. "Weapons?!" MoP realized their predicament. "Weren't YOU in charge of our swords?" asked Jocko to Beelzy. "MEE!?" yelled Beelzy. "DIET SKUM!" yelled a pirate among the evil group. "Diet?" asked Captain R/C. One of the opposing group members whispered into the pirates ear. "DIE SKUM!" yelled the pirate again. "Looks like this is it!" Jocko closed his eyes. Beelzebub and MoP found a nearby tree and proceded Head-banger suicide. Everyone else slowly backed away. Suddenly, from the tree tops, dropped a shadowed man. His blade flashed in the moonlight and with a quick swash through the air, the evil group dropped their swords and slowly turned and ran. The shadowed man slashed one of the shirts and a backpack off of the opposing party. All was silent and the figure turned and faced the trembling, intrepid group. "Haha," the figure chuckled aloud. "Fear not! I am on YOUR side." The man looked at the group, still unsure of him. "My name is He." "Your name is He? He who?" ventured Captain R/C. "Ha. Just He," He said. "And... and you're on OUR side?" asked THX. "Of course! SOMEBODY has to stop the evil Villain! I can't do it by myself you know! Here, they dropped all their swords and a backpack. Perhaps we can use them." [THX-1138] Dr Depraved stared at the previous post. "Oh, c'mon! Can't you be a little more ORIGINAL!?" he responded. "What the %&$# are we supposed to do now, man?!" said THX 1138. "SHUT UP!" yelled the Intrepid Group (S&M) "Oh well, I guess someone else will have to pad this story..." sighed THX... [Wandering Minstril] Suddenly, Wandering Minstril ripped through the scenery and scratched out the name 'He' and added the name 'She'. "Sorry guys, but this is an equal opportunity story board." And with that he dissapeared the way he came. "God, I hate him!" said Captain R/C. [Wandering Minstril] While everybody else was getting wasted, WM (Wandering Minstril) ripped through the scene again. But before he could speak, R/C slammed him up against the bar. "Make up your mind, Buster!!! In or out of the story!!" "In! I'm in! I swear!!!!" "Wrong answer!" And with that, R/C punched WM dead in the face... By the time Captain R/C and The Flip got done drinking, Dr. Depraved had already married his wife, got her pregnant, divorced her cause she couldn't make grill cheese, and gone through an IRS edit. Penneyless and bored, Dr. D asked, "Where to now?" "To the post office," replied WM. "I hafta mail some Spaghettio's." "Will you shut up!" bellowed Captain R/C as he kicked WM in the ribs. "Hey!" exclaimed Flip, with joy. "That looks like fun!" and he kicked WM too... ....finally, after WM had passed out and the others were finished playing soccer, the group left. Afterwards, WM met Dr. D's ex-wife, married her, and got dumped cause he couldn't make grill cheese... [The Flip] However, WM had no money to start with, so his wife threw a temper tantrum because she couldn't get any money from him. She identified herself as Robin Givens. [Wandering Minstril GASP! You and those reporters have been peeking in my windows again!!! Sickos! [Dr. Depraved] So everyone got together and beat the living crap out of WM and started fresh tomorrow! [Dr. Depraved] SO...the Intrepid Group (tm) after they woke up, went to the nearest forrest in hopes of finding the Villain. This time they would kill him. No more banishing him from the land, letting him get away, or having some demonic forces pull him out. They had brought the mystical "Villain-killing- anti-bad-nucleo-plasmic-destructo-kit"... so all was soon to be well. They were walking through the forrest, and had no idea where to go. "I have no earthly idea of where to go guys," said Jocko with an air of supreme stupidity. "We are lost and we've no guide on where to go." "Well, we could try having everyone explode simultaneously, like at those GREAT Metallica concerts," someone from the back volunteered. "No no, we have to destroy the Villain not the other way around, Master of Puppets," explained R/C. "Well, we could insult The Villain to death," murmured Alter Ego...even though it was thought that he wouldn't be saying anything else for the rest of the story... which is going to be ending VERY soon... "That's not the problem," said THX-1138. "What we need to do is find him. We already have our `Villain-killing-anti-bad-nucleo-plasmic-destructo-kit' with us, what we need is directions.... Doctor?" "Hmm?" said D.D.D. (Duke Doctor Depraved) "I said, `What we need is directions.... Doctor?' Weren't you listening?" "Uhh, no. I was looking for a sign," Doctor Depraved replied. "What, you mean some sorta Runic Oracle to guide us?" Jocko ventured. "No, this one." And Dr. Depraved pulled out a "Villain that-a-way" sign out of his ever present doctor's bag. "How is that going to help?" Captain R/C said bitterly. "Watch." And Dr. Depraved took the sign, tied it to a stick, and stuck it in the ground. "There," he said. "Now all we have to do is follow this to find his castle... see?" "Can't argue with that logic," Captain R/C admitted. So, the Intrepid Group II (tm II) went down the path, following the direction that Dr. Depraved's sign had indicated. They went for many hours and eventually came to the base of the mountain at the top of which the Villain's castle rested. "Ok gang, lets scale this sucker," said Jocko authoritatively. And the group grabbed ropes out of their sacks, and proceeded to scale the 14,000 foot mountain. It was estimated that this would take, oh, about 2 years... but no one was worried. Because, after all, if SOME of the group got logged off because of time, the Dukes and higher would remain on to finish the task. "Help me! I'm stuck!" yelled THX-1138. The group stared down the steep, 13,998 ft. slope to where THX-1138's body was. Needless to say, they required binoculars. "C'mon THX!" yelled Alter Ego. "Stop foolin' around down there and get your butt in gear!" Gear... gear... gear... "Ok!" ok... ok... ok... o... "But, I can't get up! I don't have enough strength left!" left... left... le... "Well, you got up the first 2 feet," R/C said. "You can certainly get up the next 13,998 can't you?!?" You... you... yo...! Unfortunately, precious time was wasted trying to get THX-1138's stocky figure up the slope. It all failed to work....and in the end, they had to resort to winching THX-1138's limp body up the mountain. He was given some "Twinkies" and revived shortly thereafter. "Ok, are we ready?" Beelzebub asked. There was a pause... "CHAARRGGE!!!!!!" The Intrepid Group II (tm II) simultaneously charged up the hill towards the castle and crashed down the gate; which instantly crushed Nunzio and Doid, who had come outside to see what the racket was, because, after all, pro-wrestling was on. They were killed immediately, with no chance of being resurrected this time. There just wasn't much call for Butlers that looked like they had a bad accident with a waffle iron. "KIILLL!!!!!" And the group charged into the Villains' throne room, found the Villain, grabbed him and hoisted him outside. He was put up and crucified on the nearest tree, according to Villain killing custom. Since, rather unfortunately, the nearest tree happened to be down the mountain again, they had to scale down it again. And this time, again, THX was stuck. The group immediately wrenched him down, but forgot that down is not up, and THX landed with all the grace of a Grand Piano... making him a good candidate for the free "Economy Burials" that His Highness, King Joe had offered. [Dr. Depraved] And then...to continue... The Villain underwent a total, gratuitous, existance failure... which in laymans terms means the bad guy is dead. They made it back to Castle hex, where all those that participated -- and the dead one -- were given money, land, and promotions. And, some of the better-than-average-number-of-bytes-on-here posters were raised from Duke up to Councillor. THE END (sorry about having to continue...kept logging me off when I ran up too many lines!) [Bob Smith] Does 'The End' mean that we can begin anew now? [Wandering Minstril] I hope so... I'm tired of being beat up! [The Flip] [Title: WM... ] ...we might start a new story, but we'll ALWAYS beat you up!! [Dr. Depraved] [Title: One day... ] [Epilogue...] ...All the Hexians were hanging around The main courtyard, tossing down a few cold ones. Captain R/C and Dr. Depraved were off in the game room playing a couple of moves of Conquer... THX-1138 was in a much heated debate with Alter Ego about peoples' immaturity level... Flip was on a couple of sub-boards putting down a couple of things to remember for later... Daggoth was off at the post office sending mail to some user who didn't bother to show up... and Mag Mag was no where to be seen.... It was the good life. "...and I tell Alter, I don't care what you say. When I'm over at Castle Elsinore, I'll act any way I please... and not you or anybody.." was heard coming from THX-1138. "Yeah?" exclaimed Alter, "but I get sick of you complaining that..." "Geesh, R/C. If you don't kill those stupid Woo... we're all gonna be dead soon." "Shut up and hand me another token," was his reply. Flip was choosing who was gonna be the new Ragee[, the person everyone would effectionately ridicule this week in the Rag on Random User subboard. Or perhaps not so effectionately]. "Hmmm, lessee... what can I do.... Could start with Daggoth... or maybe Beelzebub, he's a real idiot..." And then Beelzebub arrived on the scene. "Hey guys! What's up??" he asked. "Not much," said Daggoth, who had finished mailing his letter. "We're just hanging around, waiting for something to happen." "Well," said Doctor D, "me and R/C are just waiting for Joe to reset Conquer." "What? Again? Don't you guys take a break?" said MoP, who had just logged in, and had been having a long discussion with the Old Man on the moat. "Well, we don't want any volcanoes you see, and--" said Captain R/C. Then Spidey burst in and grabbed his ID away from the old man, who was trying to get a better look at it. "Guess what guys..." he spoke excitedly, "Tradewars is back up!" This was greeted with a grumble of disapproval, and R/C stalked off to edit a couple o' posts. "Suure, Spidey.... That's what everyone says. But, lo and behold, when I call, I can't get anywhere but Elsinore!" exclaimed THX-1138. "Ah well...must be a vicious rumor again," Spidey replied. [Flip was still looking for a Ragee.] And then, as if by a God-send, Mr. Happy appeared on the scene. [Nomad of Norad] (Dr D is gonna KILL me for this, but...) And then Nomad walked in to the room. "Guys, yer not gonna like this but...." began Nomad. "Uh... I was just talking to the Executioner, who was supposed to be disposing of the Villain's body, and..." "What!" interjected R/C. "Don't tell me his body has disappeared!" "No... not exactly," said Nomad. "He got resurrected?" suggested THX. "No... we... uh... seem to have killed... an android!" There was a period of complete silence, R/C stood frozen in mid-action, about to drop another token in the games machine, his mouth hanging open. The token slipped from his fingers, hit the floor and rolled off somewhere. "Not only that, but we sent another group up to the castle to check it out.... Well, it's not real. It's some kind of pre-fab quick-build thing, like a motion picture set. And the bodies of those two guys crushed under the main doors..." Nomad didn't need to complete the sentance. The other fellows all exchange terrified glances. Mr. Happy slowly snuck out of the room, then left the Castle for good. He wasn't about to be around when Hell broke loose... "My God!" exclaimed R/C, who had finally found his voice again. "We got only three days left!" "Decoyed!" yelled MoPster, angrily. "The dirty rotten scoundrel! We wasted these first days on the wrong castle!" TO BE CONTINUED!!