Guns Don't Kill People, Bullets Do! Chapter Three [Nomad of Norad] [Title: Well... ] ...since you guys haven't saved it off, I have! Ok, let's discuss what sort of story we'll write NEXT! [The Flip] [Title: No... ] ...it seems that this story will continue! We still have to know who the Villain really is! You don't know, Nomad, it might be you! [Jocko] [Title: Villain ] Suddenly, without warning, the Villain burst in to wherever the group was and threw a Tiltowait spell killing everyone instantly. Unfortunately, no one saw who it was, so the task ended in futility. What a shame. Should have written me in! [Captain R/C] [Title: think again. ] You should have written you in...and the Hood never added to the story... before we can write another story we have to... 1. discovor the identity of the Villian. 2. have him someway attack castle Elsinore. 3. have Joe write the reunion of Shammy and himself (since he will be the best at it) As quickly as the Villain hid in the tall grass outside the Elsinore drawbridge, he noticed a messenger setting off toward Castle Hex. He then quickly rushed in Elsinore. The guard at the drawbridge noticed him and proceeded to chase him. The Villain ducked behind an open door and as the guard came closer, the Villain picked up a rock and threw it. The Guard, of course, went over toward the sound. The Villain quickly ran down the hall and out of sight. When he was sure he was out of sight he yelled, "Ha, you fell for the oldest in the book." The Villain went on thinking to himself, 'If I can get control if this castle, then I could once again defeat Joe.' He smiled to himself and walked on out of sight until the next poster posts. [The Flip] [Title: Ahh... ] ...no wonder he got outta sight...camera #5 is broken (that stupid Villain hit it with the rock)... [Nomad of Norad] [Title: Oh come on! ] Can't we leave anything to be found out in a later story??? A bit of mystery! Maybe someday we'll find out who it is! But there is no need to reveal it now! Really! Leave a few loose ends to warrant a sequel! [Jocko] [Title: gosh ] Can't you guys just accept the fact that you are dead?! Sheesh... [Nomad of Norad] [Title: Re: gosh ] No... [Jocko] [Title: PLLLLLL! ] Ack barf PTHTHTLTH to you guys then!!!!! [The Flip] [Title: Uhh, guys... ] ...do you have the STRANGE feeling that Jocko wants to be in the story? [Sting] Could I please be in story too? Pretty please? [Daggoth] [Title: Thats life! ] Sting, I dont think they like intruded(at least they didnt like me!) [The Flip] [Title: To get in the story... ] ...you MIGHT contribute a lil bit... [Captain R/C] [Title: the story must go on. ] Here's who's in it. Jon, Flip, R/C, Lady Mozart, Gretchen. Any one else say you are then add to the story...don't just say;"I'm in" [The Flip] [Title: You... ] ...tell 'em Captain Coke! (Ooops...didn't mean to start that again...) [The Fourth Doctor] As he heard someone passing, leaving the castle, the Villain dove into the bushes. Three huge young men passed by, and the Villain hopped up and shouted, "The Fat Boys!" He had a strange grudge against rap groups (from years of listening to elevator muzak), and pointed his concealed machine gun at them. "Nononono! We're the BIG THREE, not the..." but it was too late, they were filled with holes. The noise had attracted castle guards, so the Villain dashed off to another wall of the castle, and hid there. [The Flip] [Title: And back at the TV studio: ] "Hey! We need to fill in another commercial while Jon and R/C are trying to think up more of the story!" yelled Jocko, who was the TV director. "Wilco!, and will do!" piped Sting, who then called in the gaffer, and told him, "Nomad, go get me that tape that's full of commercials..." "Yessir!" responded Nomad, and he dashed off into the tape room. He quickly came back, with a large roll of video tucked in his armpit. "Thanks..." sounded Sting nonchalantly, as he quickly plucked the video away from Nomad, and handed it to Jocko. "Here it is...some more commercials..." "Nice work," complimented Jocko. "The Emergency Broadcast System film was about to run out..." [Daggoth] [Title: Any other doors? ] "Well," R/C retorted, "we've tried all the doors, and they all sucked big time... so what else is there to do?" "Try Door #5," Daggoth said. Lady Mozart screeched. "Ugh I hate Magggoth's!!" Jon and Flip shared a quik laugh, but Daggi revealed door number five... A cool breeze came from a pathway going up... so the group took it before the Villain and his guards finished bashing bookshelves!! Soon, the pathway split, a passage going down, and one bending slightly up. "What now?" asked Jon, miffed at this dumb idea. "Lets toss Maggot down the lower one, hoping that at the bottom is something to kill or maim him, and take the passage going up... So the group decided too... [Jocko] Jocko, newly ressurected from his recent Big 3 death, jumped from his director's chair and dove right in to wherever everyone was. He then shouted, "Steve Walstra is the Villain, because I don't like him!" [Lady Mozart!] [Title: Well! ] "Simple, John!" Gretchen shouted. "We were put in a long while back! And we are female.. so I suppose that is why!" yelled Mozart. Just then, John Johnson fell out of the sky... *THUD* "Well John, I guess you're in the story now!" Lady Mozart said, as she walked away to catch up with the group... [The Flip] [Title: Jocko... ] ...Steve can't be the Villain...he already plays King Joe's military adviser (unless he might be secretly playing the role as the Villain)... So, JJ had fallen outta the sky...unfortunately, it was a very long fall, and he ended up with a back injury, causing him to go to the hospital, and won't be involved in the story as he recuperates... [Jocko] [Title: Villain theory ] Jocko proudly stood and said, "Ah-ha! But doesn't always seem that a leader's supposed best friend and right hand man is always stabbing him in the back?! Well, I saw Steve sharpenning a proverbial knife to do the trick. I say we question him!" [Gretchen] (Jocko, several people don't like Steve, but that doesn't mean he's the villian... As to JJ's previous post.. Why, WHY on earth are you begging to be in the story, and if you DO want in it so bad, don't sit there and tell us about it. Write yourself in!) [The Flip] [Title: Too late... ] ...I wrote him out. [Jon Phillips] [Title: Listen closelListen Marshmellow dreams. ] Dawn shattered the night sky like a dagger through a man's heart, the sun rose above the mountains and beams of golden light caressed the earth, and Jon's face, which caused him to blink, blink, curse, and finally roll over. This didn't work out either. The last fourty-eight hours had been very trying for the entire group, especially at the celebration of the Villain's defeat, to sum it up, most of our heroes had a hangover. Hamlet approached Ophelia as she finished her breakfast, smiled, bowed and began to speak. "The guards have returned to the castle Mi'lady, and all is well." "Very good, Hamlet," said Ophelia, standing. "Such a glorious morn' deserves a wonderful start to the day." "True Mi'lady, now if you will excuse me, I have need to speak with Rosencrantz about certain messages disappearing," said Hamlet. Ophelia nodded in agreement and watched Hamlet take his leave. The Villain hid at the end of the hallway, and watched the door open, a man step out, and shut the door. Then Hamlet walked away. The Villain grinned in expectation, and let out a small, silent giggle. "Soon, very, very, soon," he said with a certain gleam in is eye. Lady Mozart demanded more orange juice. The rest of the group sat, contently eating their breakfasts, except of course R/C who was sleeping in his. "He passed out again, somebody save him before he drowns in his eggs," mumbled Flip. "Great googly moogly," announced Jocko. "What happened to all of you?" Everyone shh'ed him. The doors swung open and Walstra walked into the room. "Good morning boys and girls!" said Walstra in a louder than usual voice. Everyone, save for Jocko, groaned. "When you all finish eating," said Walstra glancing at R/C, "or inhaling your breakfast as the case may be, the king would like to see you about going and thanking Lady Ophelia for her help." Everyone grumbled in agreement, except R/C who continued to snore contently. Walstra shook his head, and wondered how in the world the castle depended on these people to pull it out of some of the fixes and hazards that arose every once in a while. Gretchen smiled cheerfully and bounced up from her chair. "Lets go see the king," she said in a happy bubbly voice. "I hate you," said Jon, standing up and glaring at her with bloodshot eyes. Gretchen smiled and 'THPT'ed in his face. [John Johnson] (Lady Mozart....thanks! the cement may not have tasted good, but I'm in the story now!) (Gretchen.....I write myself in the story, when you write yourself in the story....hahaha....) John said, "Ok! Instead of going to Ophelia's, lets go over to the Neighborhood, Mr Rogers has something important to tell us!" [Jocko] [Title: Jocko... ] ...hit John in the face and told him to shut up. He then told everyone that he intended to unmask Walstra as the Villain right in front of the King himself! "Let's Go!!" [Jon Phillips] [Title: What fools these mortals be, esp. ] "Now I'm depending on you to thank Ophelia the most appropriate way, please don't embarrass me," said the King. "Does that mean..." gulped R/C holding his neck. "Yes, full diplomatic dress, so you gentlemen, suit and ties, ladies, long formal dresses please," said Walstra, answering for the king, as Jocko shot him a look of distrust. Our local transvestite, John Johnson, decided he was male today and would wear a suit. Needless to say, not only did the group look abnormal, but R/C, and Flip looked down right uncomfortable. As they approached the courtyard, Walstra stood waiting impatiently. "We have prepared horses for the gentlemen," began Walstra, which generated snickers and smirks from some of the castle guard by the mention of the word 'gentlemen,' Flip replied with a polite 'Thpt.' "And a coach for the ladies." "Horse?" questioned R/C, realizing his riding skills were less than novice. The noonday sun occasionally winked away as passing clouds drifted by, R/C had only fallen off his horse, and Flip was still cursing because he couldn't find the air-conditioner, or a stereo on his steed. At castle Elsinore, things were less than normal. [Jocko] [Title: Friday the 13th part XXIV Jason dies! ] Jocko shot a bird at Walstra! [Captain R/C] [Title: Elsinore, here we come. ] "When can we get out of these stupid suits!!" complained R/C. "Shh... we approach the gates of the mighty palace Elsinore," said Gretchen who was busy fixing her hair. The guards at castle Elsinore were obviously trying to hold back their snickers as the horses and coaches road sleepily past them. Inside the gates, Guildenstern greeted them and 'teethered their steeds.' "Rosenscratz has a message for you. It is from an unknown source," said Guildenstern. "Hamlet comes annon!" "Greetings good travelers, what is thy need today??" asked Hamlet. "Please, sir, we beg a few words of your esteemed queen," said Elmo in a very polite way. "Sure, M'dam, right this way..." Elmo followed Hamlet, and the rest of the group followed Elmo... R/C scratching his collar and loosening his tie... Flip fiddling with his cuffs... Gretchen fixing her hair... Jon covering his face to save himself from embarrassment. Up some stairs and through some magnificent doors, Hamlet approached Ophelia. "R/C, Jon and their merry group wishes to speak, M'lady" "Send them in..." bidded Ophelia. The group entered the royal chambers. "Ah... the castle Hex's finest." The remark sparked various snickers from the guards stationed in the chambers. "M'lady, Joe wishes his thanks for your..." began Lady Mozart, who was cut off by R/C who said "Thank you..." and he continued until Flip cut in and said "thank you..." in a slightly higher pitch. Both Flip and R/C were still holding the "oooo" when Jon cut in with the highest pitched "Thank You" of them all. When they all stopped at once they concluded with a very tuneful "Thank You Very Much!!" As they finished Ophelia burst out with an expression of great joy. "Ha, ha... it's been so long since I had laughed... Tell your king he is more than welcome... come and visit me again." The group left the chambers and Elmo scolded R/C, Flip, and Jon for the crazy stunt. "But, but..." started R/C, but was quickly hushed as Gretchen noticed a familiar face walking down the hall. As that person noticed the group standing and looking at him, he quickly turned around and walked down the stairs and out of site. "Wasn't that the....." began R/C. "Villain??" continued Gretchen. "NAW...." finished Elmo, "couldn't be!!" They set off back to castle Elsinore. They set off back to Castle *Hex* (EXCUSE ME!!) Joe, calmly sitting in his chambers, hoping the party did not embarrass him, was approached by Walstra. "Sire, there is a parchment for ye in E-mail, read it now??" "Yes." "It says; 'I will have the last laugh!! Hust wait and see Joe!!' It is not signed but I will bet my right arm it's the Villain. Back at the gates of Elsinore, one guard came rushing up to Jon. "Sir...ye have received this parchment...it says 'You haven't seen the last of me!! I'll ne back!!' It isn't signed." "That's nice guard... thank you," said Gretchen as they rode back to the Hex. "Walstra! When Jon and his friends get back, tell them they have proved their loyalty... I am going to bed," said Joe. "Yes M'lord," said Walstra as he left the Royal Bedroom. [John Johnson] (gee....thanks for including me R/C....we'll see if you're in MY part of the story) John said, "OK Jocko, you did great! But I did the same thing I seem to find Captain R/C's writing to be very similar also!" Puzzled Jocko said, "What do you think of it?" John said, "I dunno, I've never actually seen Captain R/C and Walstra multi-post at the same time or anything, maybe its all the same person under one name!" Jocko thought for a moment and then uttered, "Nah, never. But maybe they could be in on this together, maybe Captain R/C is a secret spy!" John exclaimed, "Yes! That's it! Captain R/C is a spy! What do you think we should do about this????" Jocko looked up with a sly smile and said, "I know exactly what we'll do. We're going to........." (Editor's note: notice that Elmo and Gretchen have not been mentioned in this section since they haven't contributed to the story....hehehe....) [Lady Mozart!] [Title: AND THEN!!! ] All of a sudden... *POOF*.... John Johnson vanished... "Where did he go?" Flip asked. "To the land of never, never to be in the story again," said Lady Mozart and Gretchen in unison.. "He forgets the little people who got him INTO the story in the first place," Lady Mozart said with a sneer on her face.. Heh!... You're OUT! [Scott Nolin] [Title: Scott strides up... ] Scott strode up and began throwing about unsolicited comments: "Gee Jocko, you seem to have a Walstra obsession. If you looked at the matter objectively you would have deduced that the Villain is obviously... aaaacccccckkkkkkk" (Out of nowhere a giant Albatross landed on Scott's head, crushing the very life out of his body, but not before he uttered the obligatory cryptic phrase that one always utters before death...) ". . . green donuts, greeen donnuttss, gree...." [Jon Phillips] [Title: Don't mess with my head! ] Fade from Castle Hex... Hamlet approached Rozencrantz with a worried look on his face. "Where is the unknown mail coming from?" He waved frantically at several threatening letters. "I do not know sire, so many messages pass through Guildenstern and I cannot keep up with the source of every message," responded Rozencrantz. "Perchance you would like to hire more help," said Guildenstern from behind an enormous pile upon pile of papers. Hamlet winced at the suggestion, turned and left the room. The Villain sat in an annex of the castle Elsinore pondering his situation. 'They have all had ample warning, now my revenge will begin, with the death of Hamlet himself, and the disappearance of Ophelia,' thought the Villain to himself, snickering while he sat. The castle Hex's library was unusually quiet, Jon flipped through an old volume of Sam Johnson's writings in mild interest, just then R/C burst into the room in a better than average mood. "The king and queen have been wed, and Ophelia is having a reception tonight in the castle Elsinore's Cloister, isn't that great?" said R/C. Jon Nodded. "Well aren't you getting ready? It's only 2 hours away!" said R/C Jon nodded again. "Yoo hoo Jon," said R/C waving his hand in Jon's face. "Huh, we have to return to Elsinore already?" said Jon paying attention for a change. "Yes!" said R/C. "Oh, then we should get ready," said Jon in one quick breath as he ran from the room, knocking down a suit of armor and two guards in his rush. "Clumsy oaf," mumbled one of the guards. This is only the beginning... [Jon Phillips] [Title: Let's not be reflective. ] Laughs of joy echoed throughout the hall, people abounded in the happy event, to even say the worse, everyone enjoyed themselves immensely, and the King and Queen of castle Hex left the merriment two hours before the strike of twelve. But all was not well within the walls of Elsinore's Cloister, the Villain peeked in the windows and cursed. "How dare they ruin my plan, to abduct Ophelia would be impossible while all of these fools surround her," said the Villain under his breath. "So John," asked Nomad. "When do you return to the land of Colleadoe to continue your learnings?" "I am going to explore the ends of the earth first my friend," laughed John. And other such chat continued to reign supreme. Ophelia seemed to be particularly fond of her capturer of images, or Camera as she called it. Suddenly the lights flickered off, there was a blinding flash, then a scream, followed by silence. "Turn on the lights," called a voice. The room flickered back into view. "What happened?" asked R/C. "Where is Lady Ophelia?" asked Hamlet. "Looks like the party is over," said Jon. "Did you know you have a gift for the obvious?" quipped Gretchen, giggling. "Ten to one I can tell who did this nightmarish feat," claimed Jocko. "Anybody could, if they're reading the bloody story," murmured Lady Mozart under her breath. A stagehand turned on a dramatic drumroll. "The Villain," said the entire group at the same time. The Villain glared at Ophelia. "Now not only will I claim the castle Hex, but Elsinore shall be mine also, and I will rule supreme!" screamed the Villain, ending his sentence with a maniacal laugh. [Jocko] [Title: "Isn't... ] ...it weird how Villains always have a maniacal laugh?" asked Jocko. Why can't they just have a pleasant little chuckle?" [To be continued... ...in "Jumping Jehosiphat!"]