Guns Don't Kill People, Bullets Do!
            Chapter Two

        (Hey! That rhymes!)


   R/C turned away as not to see what happened.
   Jon bumped his head on the low ceiling, as he moved through the dank, dark
passage kicking rats as he walked.
   Flip passed out when the chandelier struck the ground two and three-fourths
inches from him.
   "Hey!!  Where's Jon!!" asked R/C.
   "Must be a secret passage!!  Quick! Pull the books off the bookshelf,"
commanded Flip.
   "Won't work," said the Villain as he threw the Knife at R/C.
   Hood yelled, "Duck R/C. Knife at two o'clock."
   R/C ducked. Just in time to get a reverse Mohawk on his head.
   When R/C got up he timidly felt his hair.
   "It will grow back," said Gretchen.
   Flip noticed that the knife had stuck into a lamp next to the fireplace.
"Look!  The fireplace has turned half way around.  Quick! Go Through!"
   "Hold it!" said R/C. "I have a score to settle!"
   R/C Grabbed the knife and hurled it at the Villain who tried to dodge it
but got his shirt pinned to the wall.
   "Ok," said Mozart, "Captain, you and Flip get some info out of the Villain. 
Hood, Gretchen, Let's go find Jon."
   
    "All right Villain!  Let's talk!!" said R/C.

    "Jon!  JON!!  Where are you??" yelled Gretchen.

    R/C put a determined look on his face and marched towards the Villain.
    "You fool, do you think you can stop me so easily?" questioned the
Villain, who quickly removed the knife from the wall and his shirt.
    "Now let's be reasonable," stammered R/C, seeing the blade and an even
more determined look on the Villain's face.
    "GUARDS!" screamed the Villain as he bid a hasty retreat.
    "Well I took care of that one," said R/C dusting his hands off and trying
to regain his composure.
    "Will you stop playing around," commented Flip, straining to hold the
fireplace open. "And get the hell in here."
    As our intrepid group minus one entered the secret passage looking for the
minus one and the queen, they noticed something.
    "I can't see a thing," said Hood.
    The passage was pitch black and no there was no hint of light from any
direction.
    "Stick close to the walls, OUCH!" said Flip running into the wall.
    "Why is the wall soft and warm?" asked R/C.
    !*SLAP*!
    "Because that wasn't a wall," said Lady Mozart hitting R/C.
    "Whenever you boys and girls are ready, we can get on with this," said
Gretchen very impatiently.
    The passage was dark, damp, and filled with annoying rodents, the passage
wound and twisted downward, and finally terminated at a sort of door with two
eye holes in it, Lady Mozart looked out.
    "Well what do you see?" asked Flip.
    "You won't believe me," said Lady Mozart opening the door into a Medieval
torture chamber, complete with thumb screws, shackles on the walls, a rack
with Jon on it, boiling oil, and other various artifacts for inflicting
extreme pain.
    "Jon, are you ok?" asked R/C.
    "Oh I'm fine, six inches taller, and very uncomfortable, now stop asking
stupid questions and get me out of here," snapped Jon rather irritably.
    "I wouldn't recommend that, guards, detain them," said the Villain at the
top of a set of stone stairs, soon our heroes were overwhelmed.
    "You try my patience, I want to kill all of you after you see your mighty
castle fall, do not tempt my kindness again you sniveling idiots, for next
time I kill you," said the Villain dramatically, and took his leave.
    The guards then restrained our heroes and left, leaving R/C shackled to the
wall, Lady Mozart bound and hanging over a vat of boiling oil, Flip locked in
side of an iron maiden, Hood staked to the ground, ready to be drawn and
quartered by a series of weights and hand cranks, and Gretchen with her head,
arms, and legs locked in a set of stocks.
    "Well this is a fine how-do-you-do," groaned Jon.
    "Anybody have any bright ideas?" said Flip, trying not to move, as not to
be speared and become a bloody mess.

    "Hairpin?" brightened R/C, until he noticed no one could reach the locks
of the hairpins, as they were dangling twenty feet above the ground with Lady
Mozart.
    "I think, we are in trouble," muttered Hood uselessly.
    Lady Mozart screamed in frustration.
    "I know what you mean, I hate it when this happens," said Gretchen very
unhappily.

    In the top most section of the northern tower, the Villain approached a
heavily guarded and repeatedly locked door.
    "Soon, my dear, the castle Hex will have no choice but to surrender to me,
and I will have the King's head as my prize, so do not worry, all is well,"
said the Villain, then turning and releasing a diabolic laugh which seemed to
echo throughout the countryside.
   Lightning flashed, thunder rolled.
   "Well, we only have about two-thirds of a day left for the reward," said
R/C thoughtfully.
   "BIG DEAL!! We are trapped in a Medieval torture chamber!! Who cares about
the reward!!" said Flip, who moved too much and got poked just enough to shut
him up.
   Jon was becoming very discouraged because he was being stretched.  He tried
to wriggle out and as he did the rack slipped and loosened.  Jon freed himself
and then he noticed a label 'Giant Const. Co. -Japan'.
   "Well that explains why it broke," said Jon as he freed the others.
   "Yeah!!  Now we are free!!  Let's go!" said Hood.
   "One problem," said Lady Mozart, "the door is locked."
   "Hair Pin time," said Flip.
   "They're Combination locks," said L.M., "all twelve of them."
   "Hmmm," said R/C in a discouraged way.
   They tried random combinations on each of the locks until all of them were
open.  This, however, took only 743 years. When they opened the door a time
traveler stepped in front of them and offers to take them back to five minutes
after they began trying to find the combinations.  Of course there were now two
of each person, so half of them went with the time traveler to 3418 when life
was great and perfect, while the other half continued to....
   Well, after successfully opening the locks, and with Jon free, they walked
through a short passageway to find Daggoth standing there..
   "KILL HIM!" said Lady Mozart... "He's a jerkwad and a slimeball..."
   R/C retorted, "Naaah, why waste our time?"
   Jon, despite being stretched... noticed a stairway going up and winding, so
the group followed, with Daggi sort of lulling behind, but no one gave a
second look.
   "AGH!" screamed R/C, tumbling backwards.
   "What was that?!" said the Hood, shaking in uncontrollable fear.
   "A bunch of people posting useless messages in the middle of the story,"
said Flip poking from behind a curtain where he was hiding.
   "Well the doors unlocked," sighed Jon.
   As they ascended the spiral staircase, which was lined with green growths
and dripping with water, they found their way back to the majestic stairway
and two doors.
   "Ok," stated Gretchen. "Next door."
   Behind the great oak and steel door was a great room, in fact, a great
library with enormous rows of ancient evil tomes and books of all sorts,
colors and sizes.
   "Well she's not here," noticed Lady Mozart.
   "'Everything you ever wanted to know about evil spells, but were smart
enough not to ask,'" read Flip.
   "Sounds like a real top ten winner," muttered Jon.
   "Lets get on with the search," said Hood.
   Climbing up the majestic stairway, it led to a second level of doors, four
to be exact,  and four spiral staircases leading to the towers of the castle.
   "OK, lets check behind the doors first, maybe we will get lucky," sighed
Gretchen.
   "Don, tell us what's behind door number one," said R/C, doing a very bad
Monty Hall impression.
   Flip groaned as he reached for the door handle on the first door.
   As Flip opened the door he saw all kinds of mops and brooms tumble down on
him almost covering him up.  Lady Mozart burst out laughing.
   "Heh... mop closet!!" said Flip.
   "Yeah??  Then what's that door at the end of the closet??" asked R/C.
   "He's right!  There IS a door... he's actually right!!" said Gretchen.
   Hood walked over Flip to the door at the end of the closet.
   SQEEEEK--said the door as it was opened.
   Hood peered inside and immediately got his head out.
   "It's full of mirrors," said the Hood as he wiped his eyes.
   "I'll throw another rock," said R/C.
   CRAAAASH--said the mirrors.
   R/C walked in as everyone followed (over Flip).
   R/C then walked to a window in the corner.
   "I can see castle Hex from here!!" exclaimed R/C. "I can see into another
room of this castle!!  It's SHAMMY!!  There she is!!  But I don't know which
room it is!!  Man!  Have you ever been so close yet so far!!"
   "It looks like it will take some more exploring!!" said Jon.
   "Where's the Villain??" asked Gretchen.
   "Right here!" said the Villain who appeared out of a secret door.
   "RUN!!" yelled Flip.
   "GOOD IDEA!!" Yelled R/C
   "LET'S GO!" said Hood.
   "I'M WITH YOU!" said Elmo.
   "WAIT FOR ME!" said Gretchen
   "ME FIRST!" screamed Jon.
   "Guards!" commanded the Villain," after them!"

     They all rushed out of the secret door, closed it, shoved all the brooms
back in the closet and jammed the door closed, all before the guards even got
to the secret door.
     "Well," asked Jon, "Door #2,#3 or #4??"

     R/C still was trying to perfect his Monty Hall impersonation with out
much success, as our intrepid group approached the next door.
     "My turn," announced Hood opening the door.
     Beyond the door lay an immaculate room, fireplace, desk, an enormous
canopy bed, nightstand, and a table with several chairs around it, the room
also appeared very undisturbed as revealed by several inches of dust over
everything.
     "AH-CHOO!" announced Flip. "Blasted allergies."
     Everyone became disappointed once again. Then noticed someone, or
something behind the bed, a rocking chair, with someone sitting in it, the
group approached cautiously....
    "Hello?" questioned Lady Mozart as they came nearer.
    Unfortunately, the person was quite dead, or very, very sleepy, a body of
a woman sat there.
    "Ugh," said Gretchen turning away.
    "Norman?" said R/C looking under the bed.
    "Very funny," said Lady Mozart coldly. "If we find a shower, we're locking
you in it."
    R/C gave a wry smile and backed away in an apologetic manner.
    "C'mon lets finish the rest of the doors," said Jon turning away from the
body and heading for the door.

    "They are getting much too close," growled the Villain at the captain of
his guard.
    "Yes sire," said the captain of the guard.
    "Double the guard around Queen Shamrock!" screamed the Villain. "While I
figure out a suitable end to these meddling idiots."

    At Castle Hex, all was far from well. The king wrung his hands again, and
began pacing once again as Walstra watched him with deep sympathy.
   "Perhaps they have found the Queen and are returning at this very moment,"
said Walstra attempting to relieve the king's anxiety.
   "Perhaps," said the king, with his head hung low. "But the time of the
Villain's attack draws nigh, and no word, has all of the guard been placed on
duty at the ramparts?"
   "Yes sire, and a messenger has been sent to Lady Ophelia at Castle Elsinore
in hopes she may be able to spare some of Elsinore's royal guard should it be
needed," said Walstra.
   "Any response?" questioned the king.
   "No my lord, not as of yet," said Walstra.
   The king lifted the brandy snifter and poured a glass as he thought.
   "Very good, now we can only pray that the expedition to save the queen is
successful, otherwise I will have to surrender the castle," said the king.
   "And sire, if...er...when they are successful, then we only need deal with
the Villains army."
   "I know," said the king. "Victory." he finished lifting his glass to the
sky, and with it a small prayer.

   "Let's go behind door #3," said the Hood in a Monty Hall impersonation.
   Lady Mozart timidly opened the door to reveal a small chamber with a spiral
staircase leading up to a small tower and a locked door.

    "We could break it down..." said R/C.
    "We could pick the lock..." said Hood.
    "I don't think that will be necessary," said the Villain as he opened the
door revealing fourteen guards with swords and shields.
    "Ah-haha...I'm gonna be sick!!" said the Hood who is on the verge of
insanity (only in this story though [he's already there in real life]).
    "You will, of course, be coming quietly.  You will accompany us to the
Castle Hex and witness it's downfall and the banishment of your 'beloved'
king," said the Villain very thoughtlessly and coldly.
    "When I say 'Go,' run..." said Jon under his breath to the group. Then He
turned toward the Villain. "OK...you win...We'll come...But first I have to
say one thing, GO!!"
    R/C turned and ran followed by Jon, Gretchen, Elmo, and Hood who got
halfway down and jumped from the staircase.  When Lady Mozart got down, she
blocked the staircase with a convenient bookcase standing next to the stairs.
    The Guards were running one at a time out of the door and down the
staircase which was blocked by a bookcase.  The first guard rampaged through
it because there were no books in it.  The Hood slammed the door as R/C and
Jon rushed over to hold it shut.
   "Hi guys, find anything??" asked Flip who stayed down in the first place.
   "No," said R/C as his face grew red with anger, "only the Villain and 300
guards all trying to kill us!"
   "Heh. Sounds fun!" said Flip sarcastically...which was the last words he
said for a while.    
   Flip heard the narrator's comment, which seemingly seeped through the
castle walls.  Deep in curiosity, Flip yelled out, "Why won't I be talking
for awhile?"
   The narrator boomed, "Because that yelling is gonna cause you to suffer
from laryngitis!"
   Flip tried to yell back, but abruptly halted, as he opened his mouth, but
his voice didn't come out.

   Jon held the door and looked at the rest of the group as some very impolite
banging began from behind the door.
   "Stairs!" screamed Lady Mozart making a mad dash for one of the four
stairways at each corner of the hall.
   The rest of the group, not actually being the morons they act like followed
in suit, except Jon was busy barring the door.
   The group dashed to the top of one of the spiraling staircases which led to
a circular, barren room; one of the castles five towers. Jon followed closely
behind.
   "Well how long will the door hold?" asked R/C hopefully.
   There was a crash of wood splintering and smashing to the ground.
   "Oh, about until five seconds ago," replied Jon in a worried sarcastic
smile.
   "Shh!" shhed Gretchen urgently.
   From below came the sound of multiple voices, confusion, and loud screaming
from the Villain.
   "Find them, they must have gone downstairs!" bellowed the voice of the
Villain.
   Slowly the sound of voices and footfalls faded beyond the range of hearing,
Flip released a relieved sigh.
   "Ok," stated Gretchen, "we've been over every inch of this castle, save for
the last three towers."
   The group traveled down the staircase, and began searching the other
towers, as they approached the end of the last tower they were met by two
guards.
   "Who are you?" asked one of the guards in a stupid manner.
   Jon and Flip approached the guards and looked at each other saying. "Patty
cake, Patty cake."
   Lady Mozart looked confused.
   "Baker's man..." they continued.
   "Guys..." said Gretchen
   "Bake me a cake as fast as you can," finished Flip and Jon, suddenly
turning and slugging both of the guards, who became very sleepy very suddenly.
   Gretchen giggled
   "That must be the oldest trick in the book," giggled Gretchen.
   "Second oldest," corrected Jon. "The 'throwing the rock to distract the
guards attention' is the oldest trick in the book."
   R/C became impatient and opened the door.
   "Your majesty," said Flip, bowing.
   "Your Highness," said Gretchen and Lady Mozart in unison as they curtsied.
   Hood and R/c bowed.
   "Finally," sighed Jon, forgetting about the pleasantries.
   "It's about time," said Shamrock in a rather impatient, sarcastic tone as
she smiled.
   "Now's the easy part," said Flip.
   Jon raised an inquiring eyebrow.
   "Now all we have to do is sneak the queen out of the castle, and get her
back to Castle Hex before the Villain discovers she's gone," said Flip,
smiling.
   R/C slapped his forehead.
   Hood groaned.
   Gretchen felt faint.
   Lady Mozart growled.
   Jon ignored Flip, it was easier that way.

   Walstra politely knocked upon the king's study before he walked in.
   "Your majesty, the guards have been placed and we are ready," said Walstra,
bowing and performing a sweeping hand motion all at once.
   The King nodded, and went back to studying maps of the region for the best
field of defense.

   The petals in the garden still glistened from the recent rain, and the
cover of clouds had finally separated allowing the moon to cast a small amount
of light upon the garden.
   It had been a long sleepless night and Lady Ophelia strolled through Castle
Elsinore's garden to find peace and relaxation, perhaps to help her sleep.
   "Fair Ophelia, there is a messenger from the Castle Hex to speak with you,"
said Hamlet approaching from the gate.
   "What does he wish?" asked Ophelia.
   "Castle Hex is under the threat of siege, the king's advisor sent this
messenger to ask for assistance to repel the invaders," replied Hamlet.
   "Send as much of the guard we can spare, and give the messenger the fastest
horse available with my reply," said Lady Ophelia.
   "Yes M'lady," replied Hamlet, leaving to execute the orders.
   Lady Ophelia looked at the night sky and whispered a small prayer, then
after it a curse. "Surely I shall not sleep tonight," she thought walking
towards the courtyard.
   So, our heroes stand in the northeast tower of the Villain's castle.
   "Ah, It'll be good to get home," said Shammy.
   "That is if there is a home," continued Jon, "the Villain's planning to
take it over."
   "WHAT??" said Shammy with a worried look in her eye.
   They all went down the staircase.  And then they heard the Villain from
below the other staircase.

   "You stay down here and flush them out, I am going to make the battle plans
for castle Hex," the Villain continued to himself, "to think, in less than
four hours, castle Hex will be mine and King Emperor Overlord Joe will be
nothing but a memory...HAHA"
   The Villain turned to find Shammy glaring back in his eyes with a look of
extreeeeeme discontent.
   "SO!!  You are going to take over castle Hex and Kill my Hubbie!!" As she
finished, she delivered a crushing blow to the Villain, rendering him
unconscious.
   "WHOOAA!" said R/C. "Brutal!!"
   "Cut the chat and let's go save Castle Hex!!" said Shammy as she rushed
down stairs and out the drawbridge. Everyone followed.


    Meanwhile, back at castle Hex.....

    "Walstra!!  WALSTRA!!" screamed Joe.
    "Yes, m'lord??"
    "How long will it take for a messenger to get to the Amy's Crystal Palace
and back??"
    "About three hours sir."
    "Ah, Good...take this to Lord Charel's and inform him of our situation.
Ask if he can spare some guards."
    "Ah, yes, m'lord," said Walstra as he went to find another messenger.
    The first messenger was arriving back now.   He went unto the King's
chambers.
    "M'lord??" asked the messenger.
    "Yes??"
    "Ophelia has spared us ten guards.   She even sent Rosenscrantz along to
help."
    "Ah, Good!  I now have enough to defend this castle and take over his
castle."
    "But M'lord," said the messenger, "we have far to few guards for attacking
and defending."
    "But I have asked of the assistance of Lord Charels," said Joe.
    "Ah, that is why you are a Lord sir, very smart!"

   Hours later, Castle Hex was surrounded on both entrances by numerous guards
and a group of guards were on their way to the Villain's castle.  The group
met up with Shammy and her merry band of rescuers.
   "Queen Shammy!" said the Head Guard of Hex. "The King eagerly awaits thee. 
He will tell you of his magnificent plan!"
   "You won't have to worry about the Villain, Shammy decked him," said R/C.
   "M'Lady!!  Good Job indeed!" said the Guard. "I bid thee a safe travel
Home!"
   "Thank you, oh sweet guard," said Shammy as she continued off to castle
Hex.
   As they approached the gates, the guards stood ready until they saw who was
coming.  They then all stood speechless as they welcomed her back (kinda
senseless huh??)
   "At ease, Guards.  The Villain's forces will not be coming for awhile."
   "Ah, good to 'ear it!" said the guard.
 
   "Sir," announced a guard as he approached the Villain, who was becoming
irritated trying to examine his jaw with his mask in the way.
   "What is it now, fool!" screamed the Villain, shortly.
   "Guards from the Castle Hex approach," said the guard.
   "Curses, assemble the men and meet the Hex's force before it arrives here,
defeat them and march on the castle Hex!" said the Villain. "Now go!"
   The guard turned, his face a bit pale as any man who is going to war, and
left the room.
   'I am as good as defeated here, but I shall have my revenge, on all of the
ones that opposed my mast plan,' thought the Villain as he entered a secret
passageway and made his escape.

    Dawn broke over the eastern sky, dew lay on blades of grass so delicately
that only perfection itself could surpass the view.  
    Men have always had a special talent for destroying natural beauty, and
this was no exception, feet headed across the field, met only by the sounds of
other feet, footfalls by the dozen dozen, then suddenly as if adding tempo,
there was the sound of metal clashing, swords crossed, the early morning
sunlight caught the blades as they slashed, screams of pain, anger, and attack
pierced the air.
    Walstra looked east of the castle, as he had done since the king's army
had left. His solitude had paid off finally. The guards broke through the
forest in a slow weary march.
    "Ho!" shouted Walstra, gaining the attention of the guards. "Report."
    "Sire, the Villain's army is defeated, and his castle burns at this very
moment, however no trace of the blackheart was to be found," called back the
captain of the guard.
    Walstra turned from the window, smiled and proceeded to report to the
king.

    The banquet hall had gone from celebration to a quiet murmur of chatting.
    R/C looked at the now clean plate and heaved a sigh of satisfaction.
    Hood burped loudly in agreement.
    Gretchen and Lady Mozart giggled and talked.
    Flip had noticed one of the castle's handmaidens and was flirting to his
heart's content.
   Jon leaned back in his chair and raised his glass, drinking deeply and
relaxed.
   "We went," said R/C, smiling, "we returned, and we kicked that
Villain's...."
   "Watch it," said Flip. "Family board, remember?"
   "Tail," finished R/C. "I wasn't worried for a minute.""

   Evening began to fall, the last rays of sunlight began to finally dim as
the sun set behind the mountains. The Villain cursed again as he stumbled
through a briar patch.
   "I will have my revenge, I have lost everything except my identity, that
remains my secret," said the Villain. He crouched in some bushes, glared at
Castle Elsinore and began to plot a suitable ploy to destroy our heroes.