Guns Don't Kill People, Bullets Do! Chapter One (1988) A whole series of files from the library of Comm Hex Castle scrolled across the screen of the theater. "Hmmm," said Jon, leaning back in his chair. "That was better than Who framed Roger Rabbit, you think Joe's trying to tell us something?" Capt. R/C took another mouthful of soggy popcorn and pondered the question, after a few minutes of irritating chewing, he replied. "You mean like, 'Stop being so silly and write something semi-normal?" answered Capt. R/C. "Yeah," said Jon simply. "But we're so good at being extremely silly," said Gretchen. Needless to say, most of the group was very dismayed and confused by the past thirteen posts, that style of writing hadn't really struck them, just wanton destruction, and general silliness was a basic law for them. Jon sipped on his Coke thoughtfully, and finally said, "Ya know, I think we can do it, now who wants to volunteer to go first?" No one answered. And time went on and on in the CimHex Odeon; the sun rose, and set; the moon rose, and set; the dog days of summer became more doggier; Gretchen began to yawn; Jon was running out of Coke; Captain R/C had popcorn stuck between his teeth; And there was still no answer. But suddenly -- there is a large shriek coming from outside the theater. "Who was THAT?" asked Flip, who was secretly hiding under the chair, eating the leftover popcorn and coke that was left down there. "That sounded like... Skipp Turner!" responded R/C. "Let's go see what's going on," yelled Jon and Gretchen in unison. "No," responded R/C sullenly, still jealous about Skipp's better remote-controlled cars. "Aww, all right," said Jon, and everybody left, while R/C just sat there, slumped in his seat, watching the commercials, showing scenes of the upcoming "Rambo: The Seventh Blood" (in this movie, according to R/C who watched the preview, it's about Rambo (who's still played by Sylvester Stallone, who still has 23 inch biceps at age sixty), who's wife (played by some Vietnamese lady who used to work as a spy for the U.S. Government disguising herself as a well-used prostitute) gave birth to a son; and at the age of three months was able to defeat the whole army of Switzerland single-handedly). A few seconds later, Jon, Gretchen, and the Flip came to the scene where they saw Skipp kneeling on the floor, crying. "What happened?" cooed Gretchen. "I [sniff] saw somebody with [sob] a... better remote-[snort]controlled car than me!" as he bawled loudly crying even more. "Poor baby," said Jon sarcastically. Skip continued to weep. Gretchen twiddled her thumbs. Flip scratched his head. And the anarchist type villain showed up in a form, the better remote control car pulled up with a small note attached to the antenna. "Mine!" screamed Flip grabbing the note and reading it out loud. "Dearest Morons, Just a little note to let you all know that everything you have, mine's better, and in case you're interested, I've kidnapped Queen Shamrock, she will be returned to you after the unconditional surrender of the castle." Yours truly, The Villain," read Flip. "Gasp," gasped Gretchen. "Gasp... kaff-kaff-wheeze," grunted Jon, forgetting about his hyperventilation problem. "Oh, boy... King Emperor Overlord Joe will not be happy with this..." said Flip in a rather worried manner. "Well, let's go get Cap in the theater and go to the castle," responded Gretchen. As the gang was leaving the theater (meanwhile, Skip had commited suicide and jumped out of the first-story window, killing himself), Lady Mozart walked to them, getting ready to enter the theater. "So, where y'all going?" asked Elmo cheerfully. "*Sigh*... we're off to King Emperor Overlord Joe's castle..." answered Flip. "...Queen Shammy was kidnapped!" gasped Jon between deep breaths. "Gosh... this sounds more intriguing than the movie I was gonna watch -- Indiana Jones ]I[ and the Tower of Eiffel," responded Elmo gleefully. "Well, let's go!" yelled Gretchen, and everybody entered Gretchen's car, as she drove and swerved on over the Joe's castle. After several minutes of running and several hours of walking and one hour of crawling they all reached King Emperor Overlord Joe's mighty castle Hex. Jon bravely staggered up to the guard and demanded passageway into K.E.O. Joe's Castle. But Jon didn't realize that this was a British guard with a big black fuzzy hat on his head. And Jon didn't know that British guards don't move or talk. Jon was quickly getting discouraged. He yelled "K.E.O. Joe!! We have a crisis. Let us in!!" "Your telling me it's a crisis," wispered R/C," that guy says he has a 'BETTER' car than mine!! I'll soon show HIM who's..." "SHHHH..." interrupted Elmo," K.E.O.(which stands for King Emperor Overlord) Joe is about to lower the drawbridge." Indeed, slowly the ancient drawbridge lowered to the ground. The group was lead by two guards, who were not British and could move, with a dog to the chamber of K.E.O. Joe. After the tired group bowed they rose, except the Hood who fell asleep, to hear K.E.O. Joe speak. "Ah, yes, my loyal subjects. As you may know, my Queen has been kidnapped. I have no knowledge of her wherabouts," announced K.O.E. Joe. "Sire," said Elmo, "we received a ransom note this afternoon saying that you will get the Queen back if you surrender your castle. It was signed 'The Villain.'" "Ahh, Yes. My Arch enemy. If thou can return to me Queen Shammy thou shalt be dousted unto my Round Table," said K.E.O. Joe. "I'll kill him!! No one has a better car than me!! Not even Skippy!" yelled R/C. "One more thing, if you can succeed within two days you will each receive 1000 crowns. If you don't succeed, you will meet my Sword," said K.O.E. Joe. They were all escorted out of the castle. "Wow! 1000 crowns! Think of the R/C car I could buy!!" exclaimed R/C. "Yeah, and all the bubble gum I could carry!" exclaimed Jon. "And I could go to Hawaii and see all the girls I want... Oooops! wrong story," exclaimed the Hood. "Well... we only have two days! Let's go!" announced Elmo. "Hey... now, wait a second!" thought Jon. "We don't have a plan yet!" "Ahhh, yes... a plan is necessitated for the Queen's escape," agreed K.E.O. Joe. "I do have several King's Advisors that can help you in saving the Queen." "Great!" said Flip. "Who can this adviser be?" "Alas, my best adviser, Wolf, has gone on a very long vacation. However, I still have a worthy adviser to help you. GUARDS! Bring forth Advisor Walstra!" answered Joe. Steve Walstra waltzed in, dressed in royal knickers, holding great amounts of paper and an abacus. "Aww, Joe... I was just going through level 734 of NetHack!" "I'm sorry," answered Joe. "But the queen is gone, and these brave modern warriors have volunteered to save Shamrock from... (drum roll please)... The Villain!" "And to show him that I have a better remote-controlled car," added R/C in a quiet manner. "Well, let's go to my chamber and conjure up a scheme to save the Queen!" said Steve in a surprisingly eager manner. So, they all went to Steve's chamber; a rather modestly-sized one, I must add. "So," said Gretchen, "whatta we do?" Once in the chamber, Walstra began to explain the why's and wherefores of a criminal intellect, such as that of the Villain, as he explained, he also cited many examples, not excluding Attila the Hun, Napoleon, Hitler, Stalin, Nixon, Komani, and worst of them all, Bill the Cat. During this four-hour session of explaining, things were not exciting. Gretchen played with a curl in her hair, and hummed a song that hasn't been written yet, but she thought it sounded rather nice. Flip sat, eyes bolted on Walstra, much like a student watching a teacher, who wants everyone to think he is doing something, but in reality is thinking about lunch. Captain R/C had found a hardbound copy of 'War and Peace', and had so far made 236 paper airplanes. Jon slept. Lady Mozart, who was thrown unknowingly into this story, and will probably protest, had made use of this extra time to read the Dragon story, which interrupts this one, with mild amusement. Hood stared at Walstra, mouth open, and nodding even though he didn't understand, and wondering how the hell he had gotten into those nickers. "And in conclusion, this should give you a blueprint of this villain's mental workings and enable you to stay one step ahead of him," finished Walstra, smiling. Jon let out a rather loud snore and tumbled over backwards, chair and all, after which he sprung up and clapped his hands enthusiastically to cover the fact he didn't know what the hell was going on. "Um," said Flip as intelligently as possible. "So where exactly is the Villain then." "How should I know," retaliated Walstra as he turned and walked from the room to continue his NetHack game. "Brave warriors," said the king looking over the intrepid group, then realizing he was completely wrong in saying 'Brave Warriors.' "Um, let me revise that," said the king, beginning again. "You must find the queen soon, if you do not, I fear I will have to turn over the castle and its lands for her safe return." "No pro, lets go," said Jon, opening a door and walking into the closet. Everyone sat staring at the closet for a moment before the door opened and Jon peeked his head out, smiling. "Heh, closet," said Jon, smiling. "Let me guess, you knew it all along," said Lady Mozart sarcastically. "Yeah, I knew what it was, I was just getting my... um.... coat," responded Jon. "You don't have a coat," said Gretchen. "Oh," finished Jon, feeling rather stupid. The king shook his head, and called or the left-wing-downstairs-room #193 butler to show them out... As they stepped from the castle, the last rays of daylight, spread shadows across the plains, they headed north, towards the forrest of a lot of trees and a couple of shrubbery. "This is going to take awhile," said Flip to himself. "Don't start that again, or I'll burn your entire collection of Burger King Empire strikes back glasses(c),'" warned R/C. The night was cool and comfortable as they entered the forrest.... "Lions, and tigers, and bears, Oh (censored)" quoted Lady Mozart, not quite in perfect context. "Why, will you look at that...it's already getting dark already!" exclaimed Jon. "No, Jon...the reason it looks dark is because you're wearing Flip's Burger King Empire Strikes Back glasses," responded R/C in a falsingly intelligent manner. "Actually, it is getting dark," added Gretchen, "it's just that you're wearing the version of Empire Strikes Back glasses that make things look brighter." So they argued about this in the forrest all day, until it really did get dark, while Lady Mozart (Elmo? Mozzzz?) leaned against a telephone pole tree, shivering in fear of the various lions, bears, tigers, and (censored) lurking in the forrest. Night had fallen over the forrest, Jon, Flip, R/C, and Hood stood face to face, arguing over whether it was dark or not, needless to say, this could go on for a while. Gretchen walked over to talk to Lady Mozart, and to get out of the low-roar that the four gentlemen were creating. "Men are such... such... such..." began Gretchen. "Putzes?" said Lady Mozart. "Yeah," replied Gretchen. "Morons?" continued Lady Mozart. "Uh-huh," agreed Gretchen enthusiastically. "Scrubs?" "Yes." "Idiots?" "That too." "Yellow bellied escargot?" "Definitely." "Too bad they aren't as perfect as women," said Lady Mozart thoughtfully. "So what do we do about them now?" asked Gretchen. "Watch," said Lady Mozart, walking over to the arguing crowd, giving a slight smile, and said in as much of a lady-like tone she could muster. "SHUT THE HELL UP!!!!!!!!!!" "That did it," said Gretchen. "Didn't you guys forget why we are here?" asked Lady Mozart. "Uhhhh... oops," said Hood. "Yeah well er...." said R/C "Umm, got carried away," apologized Jon. "Gimme my Burger King Empire Strikes Back glasses," said Flip. "Now, can we get on to saving the queen, the day, the castle, and the bleedin' plot?" asked Gretchen. "Um sure," said Flip, putting on his sun-glasses. "Which way is it exactly?" Conveniently there was a sign near-by pointing the way. The night was cool moonless one, the stars twinkled between tree branches as the forrest got darker and deeper, the undergrowth became denser and denser, sounds of the night seemed to be all around, and a chilled mist hovered close to the ground. "Look, a light," noticed R/C, pointing towards a mountain top in the distance. There in the distance, on top of a craggy peak, was a dark castle, foreboding in all aspects, and looking as if it were just pulled off some Vincent Price, or Boris Karloff horror movie. "No way," refused Hood turning away. Flip grabbed Hood by the neck and asked. "What, you chicken?" "Want me to sprout feathers?" said Hood sarcastically as the others dragged him along. "Great all we need now is..." began Jon. At that moment a wolf howled, and thunder broke the silence. "You coulda waited 'til I said it!" yelled Jon. As the wolf howled the group looked up toward the sound. They all saw the silhouette of the wolf against an incredibly oversized yellow moon(typical). "Ignore it," said R/C. "B-B-But-b--but wha-whadif- it-t-t---<(slap)>" stuttered the Hood in fear. "Say it!"said Elmo. "'But what if it kills us!' ok... you totally screwed up my line!" yelled the Hood in such a way that it scared off the 'Big Bad Wolf with Big eyes and Loooong teeth.' "We gotta get into that castle and rescue the Queen... (well, future queen anyway)," announced Jon. "But it's gonna rain... didn't you hear the thunder?!" said Mozzzy. "That wasn't rain, someone dropped a stage light... anyway, you see that guard..." said R/C. "Which one??"questioned Jon. "The one with the gun," said R/C. "They all have guns..." "The one by that rock." "Which rock!" "THAT GUARD RIGHT THERE!!" Yelled R/C as he jumped up and pointed straight at the guard. "Oh that guard. What about him??" asked Jon. "He's blind and deaf..." said R/C. "How we gonna get by the rest??" asked Hood. "Someone throw a rock!" said R/C. --Crack--, said the rock as it hit one of the guards. "No!! throw it... never mind!" R/C picked up a rock and threw it near the moat. "Hey!! Wassat! Who Goes!" one of the guards yelled as they all rushed to see what it was. "Hmmm... I didn't think that cliche still worked!!" said R/C. "Hood, go read that sign." "It says, ...ahumm...hmff...'me me me me'...'The secret castle of the Villain. You better stay away or he will race Captain R/C's car and win...P.S. No Soliciting,'" read The Hood. The Mighty Castle of The Villain lay before them. While the guards were off chasing rocks, the group entered the castle. Fortunately, the door was unlocked. "Wow!!! What luck we have!" said Jon as they entered the "great hall." After walking a little while, Captain R/C noticed something odd. "Gee guys, I've noticed something odd!" They were being followed. "We're being followed!" Is there an echo in here??? "Is there an.... oh... sorry." They all turned around and saw hores..(WHOOPS!) Hoards of castle guards standing behind them, holding very lethal looking guns. After a very long fight (two minutes), our adventurers were convinced to surrender. But, due to the fact that the guards were bad guys (black helmets), they were immediately sentenced to death. "READY!" bellowed the commanding officer "AIM!!!" "FI--" "Wait!" screamed an unknown voice. Everybody looked up in the rafters and saw W.M. in his cute little commando suit. W.M. attacked the guards and was shot dead within seconds. (small part) "Sigh..." said the officer as he started the execution over "READY!!! AIM!!!!" (Commercial!!!! And the producers are laughing at all the angry viewers) "Did anyone pack bulletproof vests?" murmered Jon, realizing that he was going to have a very tough time writing this installment because of the difficult position the last editor put the group in. Everyone shook their head no. "Ready!" said the officer to his troops. "Nice knowing you guys," commented R/C. "Aim!" said the officer to his troops. "To bad we can't say the same," gruntled Hood, trying to get the last laugh. "FI..." began the officer speaking to his troops. "WAIT!" screamed Jon. "Don't we get a last cigarette?" "What do you want you insignificant do-gooder worm slime you?" questioned the officer. "Don't we get a last cigarette?" asked Jon. "I suppose you worm slime you, here," said the officer handing the group a pack of cigarettes. "But I don't smoke," said Gretchen. "Good then we shoot you now," retaliated the officer. "But I'll learn," said Gretchen very quickly. Ten minutes later..... "Ready!" said the officer to his troops. "Aim!" said the officer to his troops. "Fi..." began the officer to his troops. "Wait!" said The Villain, coming through a door. "Let them live, we will take them to see the fall of their glorious castle, then you may kill them, take them to the dungeon!" "Oh it stinks in here, I insist on seeing the manager!" complained Lady Mozart, to which the response was her being thrown into the cell. "Looks pretty hopeless," said Flip, sliding down against the wall. "So how long have you been here?" asked R/C, sitting down beside a skeleton. Hood fell down into some hay, completely depressed. Jon leaned against the wall and stared out the barred window humming 'Swing Low, Sweet chariot' "Well," said Gretchen. "Should we save their buns?" "Yeah, why not, we do want to save the day," replied Lady Mozart, producing a hair pin and jimmying the lock. The cell door squeaked open slowly. "Who dat?" asked Gretchen and MoZZZZZzzzzzZZZz in unison. "Be vewy vewy quiet," said the Fourth Doctor in his very worst imitation of Elmer Fudd. "T4D! How'd you get here?" inquired Elmo gleefully. "Don'tcha remember? I live near here...but nobody ever visits my castle..." "Awwww..." said Gretchen and Elmo in unison... AGAIN! "How'd you enter the Villain's castle though?" asked Gretchen. "I was the guard that gave the guard that gave the officer the cigarettes," answered The Doc, who boastingly opened a side of his chain mail T-shirt, showing various brands of tobacco products. "So, are you goin' to help get us out?" asked Elmo. "Actually, BABES..." replied Doc softly, "I've been in love with both of you, and I want both of you to join my harem." "Huh?" said both Gretchen and Moz, but not at the same time. "Yes... I want to help you escape from the castle, and then you could join me in my castle," answered Doc. "Heehee..." laughed Elmo in a teenybopper kind of laugh. "Uhh, that's okay," said Gretchen, and she pulled off her sorta high-heeled shoes, and plucked Doctor's eyes out. (Now the story is perfect! Adventure, suspense, and momentary romance!) (No comedy of course) (OK, T4D, you're in the story now (and right back out)) (That's okay, Staggering Minstrel... you spelled whores wrong anyway) (OK, I'll stop this parentheses additions now) "Ok, lets get out of here," said Jon, sneaking out of the cell, followed by the rest of the group. "Whatta story!" said Flip enthusiastically. "Four cameos, good plot and two deaths, marvelous!" Our intrepid group snuck out of the dungeon and back into a hall outside. "Look, we need to split up in groups of two in order to find the queen, Gretchen, you and lady Mozart that way, Flip and Hood can go to the left, R/C and I will go back in the dungeon and search every square inch of it," said Jon. "Oh come on, let me at least go get some stick-ups," complained R/C. Flip and Hood explored the western corridor in reasonable cautiousness. "Boy, this place smells," commented the Hood. "No wonder...you're here! Just kidding...hmmmm, I smell it too, but I don't know what it is..." answered Flip. "Well, gimme a pair of Empire Strikes Back glasses." "Here ya go!" "All right!" "Whadda ya see?" asked Flip curiously. "Aww, nuthin'... but this pair makes the castle walls look like they're colored in yellow and blue blocks..." "No wonder! The walls ARE yellow and blue..." "And the blocks... they're... they're perfectly rectangular!" Flip and Hood continued to walk down the corridor, marveling at the awesomely perfect blocks. They suddenly heard a booming, but childish, laugh. "Who was that?" asked Hood. "Look! Down the hall!" said Flip, and at the end of the corridor was an enormous shadow on the wall. "I wonder who that is." "Or WHAT..." added Hood. Flip and Hood now tiptoed cautiously down the hall, and more gleeful laughter was heard around the right turn of the corridor. They both finally reached the end of the hall. As they peered around the corner of the wall, their eyes were filled with amazement! What they saw was a giant, approximately fifteen feet tall, sitting on the floor, wearing a muscle shirt made of yeti furs, with an inscription on the back that said, "The GIANT Construction Company." Alongside the giant, there was a bucket, labeled, "LegoWORLD Building Blocks." "Ahh, so he's the one that built the castle walls over here," concluded Flip. Seeing that the giant was having a helluva time building the Villain's castle, Hood and Flip were able to sneak past the giant without being noticed. Jon and R/C where exploring the deep, dank dungeon where every bad smell originates from when suddenly... "Now come on... you can get something better than 'when suddenly,'" said R/C. Ok... Just then... "NO,No,no... something else," said R/C again. ...When suddenly out of the serine darkness of the deep dungeon there came a mysterious sound... "Better," said R/C. "What was that??" asked Jon. "I guess no one will tell us so we have to go find out.... but wait!! I know that sound!! It's... It's the sound of an R/C car... one of those cheap Radio Shack kind!!" exclaimed R/C. As noticed by R/C, a small, red Ferarri Testarosa appeared 'out of the serine darkness of the deep dungeon.' As it came closer Jon and R/C noticed a note on it. "I noticed there is a note on it..." said R/C rather brilliantly. "I'll read it. 'This is a cheap radio shack R/C car.'" "NO!! REALLY!!" said R/C sarcastically. "Wait!! I recognize the writing!! It's Shammy's writing... follow that car!!" yelled Jon. They followed the car to the Giant that was controlling it. "His shirt says 'Giant R/C comp,'" said Jon rather brilliantly. "I'll show him... I just happen to have my 1/250 scale R/C car here. I'll get those keys of his... they look important," said R/C. R/C then controlled his 1/250 car under the giant and snagged the keys with the antenna. "Gottem!!" Yelled R/C. "SHHHH" exclaimed Jon as the Giant quickly turned and got up... breaking his head through the ceiling. "RUN!!" yelled Jon. "AAHHRRGGG!!" exclaimed Elmo and Gretchen at the same time. Indeed, they where looking face and face to eye with a giant. "What a predicament," said Elmo. "Say Jon...." said R/C. "Yes?" "This story is better than the last don't you think??" "Yes, R/C." (Commercial) 'You can do it! You can do the Pac-Man!!'(slap*slap) 'It's smurfilly delicious' Gretchen and Lady Mozart proceeded down the eastern hall, the elongated hall was elegantly decorated, the walls were lined with tapestries depicting great battles, and stands with busts on them of great warriors and generals lined the walls at even paces, such evil heroes as Attila the Hun, Hitler and other great infamous men. "The greatest plans of men and mice," quoted Gretchen glancing at the tapestries and busts. "Shhh, look up ahead," hissed Lady Mozart. In front of them, the great hall terminated at a pair of great doors. As they approached the doors, they swung open revealing a great dining hall, at the opposite end sat The Villain. "Ladies, come sit and enjoy your last meal with me, for in the morn, we conquer the castle Hex, and you and your companions die," said The Villain. "Where's the queen you go- for -nothing, mmmpphhfff mmmppphhhff!" screamed Lady Mozart as Gretchen diplomatically put her hand over Mozzy's mouth. "Actually I expected you to escape much earlier than this, I apologize if the food is cold, now come, eat," said The Villain snugly as guards blocked the exits. Gretchen glanced around nervously, and anger flared in Lady Mozart's eyes. The Villain chuckled to himself, and thought of a fitting end for this bunch of heroic trouble makers. Hood and Flip were resting at the western end of the castle, tired after running away from the giant construction worker. "Boy, that was close!" said Flip, as he slumped onto the wall. As he did so, he had the strange feeling that he may have pushed a switch, as if he activated... "Look out Flip! A trap!" yelled Hood and Flip looked up, seeing a hatchet flying toward his face. Fortunately he was able to duck, but wasn't able to completely avoid it, as the hair on the side of his head was shaved off. "Whew!" said Flip with a relieved, but shocked look on his face. Just then, they felt some rumbling. "An earthquake?! In the Kingdom of Duval?!?" "Ohoh..." replied Hood, pointing southward. Flip turned to see what he was pointing at. What he saw was not a pretty sight. The giant was running down the hall, yelling "YOU ALL MESSED MY WALL!!!!" referring to the part of the wall that got damaged by the hatchet trap. "AAAAAAAAAARRRRRRRRRRGGGGGGHHHHHH!" yelled Hood and Flip, as they began to chug (rather quickly) up the north hall, trying to outrun the giant. They turned a corner of the hall, and the giant, running very, very, very fast, ran so fast, that as he rounded the corner, his momentum forced him to hit the wall so hard, that he crashed through it into the outdoors, falling in the moat, and was devoured by the moat alligators. Back in the dungeon, R/C and Jon were tying the giant's shoe laces together. "This will hold him until we get out," said Jon. "Yeah... wait one sec," said R/C R/C then went to the small R/C car and crushed it while yelling 'Death to all slow-pokers!!' "...Small tension breaker, Had to be done!" said R/C as he finished. "Ok, let's get out of this dungeon," said Jon. They left the dungeon. "Please!!! Add some excitement to that!!! BORING!" complained R/C, "we need a new narrator." The two proceeded to climb the slippery steps leading out into the dungeon and into the 'great hall' where they met five guards. "Hey," yelled Jon, "your shoelaces are untied!!" "DUHH!! You think we are going to fall for that one!! That's the second oldest in the book!!" yelled one of the guards. "Well, that guy behind you fell for it," said R/C. "What guy!" they said as they all turned around. "Now Jon... push 'em of the drawbridge!" yelled R/C. "You guys just fell (no pun intended) for the OLDEST in the book." R/C and Jon then where captured from behind by four guards. They were subdued and blindfolded... and thrown back into the same dungeon cell. "Maybe I shouldn't have said that we need a new narrator," said R/C to Jon who couldn't care less. "You wanna count rat hairs Jon??" asked R/C. "No." "You wanna start a slime collection Jon??" "No." "You wanna kill me??" "No.... er... well... sure! why not!" (commercial) 'Circuit City's Midnight Madness sale! Hurry before the curtain falls' 'Green cove springs is... liddle detroit!' The Villain smiled as he finished his meal, and a guard approached him, bent down and whispered in his ear. "Ah, very good," said The Villain. "It seems ladies that two of your friends have been captured, soon enough I will have the other two back in my grip." "Thpt!" Thpt'ed Lady Mozart. "My what an attitude, Guards keep them here under heavy guard!" said The Villain, leaving the room. "Think we can trick them?" asked Gretchen. "Maybe," replied Lady Mozart... "Nope," said the nearest guard. "Shoelaces?" asked Gretchen. The guard shook his head no. "Someone behind you?" asked Gretchen. The guard shook his head no. "There's a giant spider on the roof about to come down and rip your heads off!" screamed Lady Mozart. The guard had enough time to shake his head no just before it was ripped off. "My that was..." began Lady Mozart. "Sick," said Gretchen. "Convenient," finished Lady Mozart. "Now lets go save those morons, and find the queen." The intrepid pair of ladies ran from the room, after which The Villain stepped from behind a suit of armor where he had been hiding, walked to the table and picked up his glass of wine, raising it in a toast. "May the six of you little idiots die quickly, you have done well, 'til now." Thunder rolled and lightning flashed against the ebony night. As Gretchen and Lady Mozart ran from the eating room they ran into Hood and Flip who had just come back from pushing a giant through the Lego walls. "Hey! We just slammed a giant through a Lego wall!!" exclaimed Hood. "We just tricked a guard into believing that we were tricking him when we said there was a giant spider an the ceiling about to rip his head off his shoulders," said Gretchen in one breath. "Where's R/C and Jon?" asked Flip. "They were captured and thrown back in the dungeon," said Mozart. "I 'spose we got to rescue them," said Hood. As the four went down into the smelly dungeon Hood realized that they did not have a plan yet and Flip realized that they haven't found the queen yet and Gretchen realized that R/C never got the stick-ups and Mozart wondered where the title came from. "Hold it!" said Flip, "there they are." "Yeah, and they have four guards surrounding the cage," said Hood. "You wanna try the rock throwing trick??" asked Gretchen. "No... been used to much," said Mozart. "Well, we have to get them out somehow!!" announced Gretchen. Meanwhile, back in the cell... "Cheer up, Jon! They have to get us out somehow," said R/C. Just then, Jon, R/C and all four guards looked toward a shrieking scream. "Bedda check it out," said a guard. "No... you go," said another guard. "I think Jack should go," said still another guard. "But I went after the rock... you all where on your lunch break when I was chasing the rock," said Jack the guard. "Heck with it! Let's all go!!" said the first guard. All the guards rushed after the scream which was actually a decoy made by Gretchen's previously unknown ventriloquism voice. "HA... see Jon!! They didn't forget us!" said R/C rather cheerfully. "Yeah, well they did forget to get a key!!" said Jon rather sorrowfully. "Hi guys!! We are back!!" said Mozart. "Do you have a key??" asked Jon. "No, But I have a hair-pin..." said Mozart. Frskkk...lick...chink-chink...crack...scraaatch. "Got it!" said Mozart. "Let'sa get Shammy. We only have a day left!!" The intrepid group left the dungeon before the guards returned. "Well we know the queen isn't in the dungeon," said R/C thhtfully. "She's not in the dining hall," continued Gretchen. "And she's not down the east corridor," finished Flip. "Well that leaves the north corridor, lets go," replied Jon. As they walked down the north corridor, the air became damp, and colder, and finally terminated in a stairway and two majestic doors. "Great, there's a second floor," said Hood throwing his hand in the air. "It's a castle, what did you expect, a back porch?" responded Lady Mozart sarcastically. "Well lets try one of the doors first," said R/C, throwing one of the pair of doors open, and everyone entered. The door opened into an enormous ballroom, with huge vaulted ceilings, and a huge chandelier. "My god what a big room," noticed Hood. "Alright lets search it," exclaimed Flip walking forward. As our intrepid groheros began to search the room, The Villain peered from behind a tapestry, drawing his knife in preparation to cut support rope for the chandelier when someone stepped under it. "Ya know," began R/C, "you'd almost expect to find secret passages in a place like this." Just as he finished, the fireplace Jon was studying swung around swallowing him into a dark recess. Time flew quickly, Flip stepped into the middle of the room, beneath the chandelier, looking for Jon, Lady Mozart saw the enormous mass of crystal and glass begin to sway, and The Villain cut the rope sending the chandelier crarashing to the ground. Lady Mozart screamed. To be continued!