As the King relaxed one afternoon, oblivious to the social & political conditions existing with the general populace, his Archduke entered the King's private study. Artslaw removed the royal Headphones from the Kings head. "Sire, I hate to tell you this, but...the peasants are revolting." The King laughed. "You're telling me!" He said. Outside, the discontented crowd became unruly. One lone voice rose above all others.... "The King is a Fink!" "Find that man, and bring him to me!" yelled the King. As Artslaw hauled buns out of the presence of His Highness, his (alleged) mind was cassetting. (It used to reel, then he got it upgraded..) He needed to find a scapegoat. Fast. And preferably not too expensive. Artslaw headed down the back stairwell, checking the dark, unused hallways for lost users. "Maybe I can get out from under this if I give the King a new user and blame it on him. Nobody believes new users anyway." Artslaw thought to himself. Unfortunately, he couldn't even find a pinhead today. He made it to level 6 without even seeing a roach. He decided to stop by the Doc's lab to see if the Doc had left any victims around. He really needed to find someone to lay at the King's feet. If he didn't, the pinheads would be making Artslaw-hide wallets to sell at the souvenir stand. Not good karma. He entered the lab. The Doc was bent over a cage, when he stood up Artslaw saw the sleeves of his labcoat were bloodstained up to the biceps. He stuttered "M..Maybe I came at a bad time....". The Doc replied "Artslaw! Have I got something to show you! Come here... look at this." Whatever it was, it didn't look well. It looked bad. It smelled bad. "I'm not even going to ask what it is" Artslaw said. "You don't have to ask...I'm going to tell you anyway." the Doc replied. "It's part of our new Genetic Experiments. Most researchers use the tedious process of breeding to obtain new species. We do not have time as a luxury here....so we bypass the inefficient breeding & gestation time and do straight grafts. Immediate results!" he explained excitedly. "Take this one here...We start with a turtle shell for armor plating....then attach Mutant Roach legs for high mobility, the claws of the giant land crab, the wit of Sam Johnson, the plumage of a Sulphur-Crested Cockatoo for aesthetic appearances, and the teeth of rabid pit-bull." "Impressive. Look Doc...I gotta go..." Artslaw interjects. "It's not that impressive. We have to take what we can get when it comes to brains around here...and the only one we could get at the time was Sifu's." "Totally brain-damaged, eh?" Artslaw commented. "Yeah, but he's a great garbage disposal!" the Doc replied. "Look, Doc, I've got places to go, people to see, and stuff like that... I'll see ya later." said Artslaw. The Archduke continued down the hall. He could hear the noises of manual labor coming from in front of him. He could see in the feeble light of a couple torches, some oil lamps, and some engraving-quality arc-lamps, six pinheads doing some masonry repairs to the hallway. Only 4 or 5 bricks to go before the hole was sealed up, so Artslaw stepped around the pinheads to look through the hole. Inside were 3 users, bound & gagged, and a continuous tape that played a recording of Nomad Lurang reading "The Night the Computer Screamed." at full volume. "This is awful. Uncalled for. A violation of Human Rights!" shouted Artslaw. "Who told you to do this?" he asked the pinheads. They just shrugged their shoulders and pointed behind him. Artslaw turned around, and saw The Executioner standing behind him. "Care to join them?" Jay asked. Artslaw was crazy, but not stupid. "No..." he said, "Not right now, besides, I've already heard the story before, when it was in General Interest." Artslaw thought for a minute, then asked, "Just why are they in there?" Jay laughed for a minute then said "They didn't finish a job that the King gave them in time, so he sent 'em to me. The King told me to go easy on 'em." That reminded Artslaw that he had a job to do, and if this was "Going Easy" he didn't want 6'5" and 265 lbs. of pissed off dinosaur planning punishment for him. "Listen, Jay, I need a favor...I need you to help me find someone." "Right." Jay replied. "What's in it for me?" "My undying gratitude," Artslaw said, as he felt through his pockets "and, let's see, 83 cents and 2 tokens from Aladdins Castle, and...um." "Let's just say that you owe me one...OK? Who are you looking for?" said Jay. "So... Let me get this straight: His Majesty was slandered by an unknown party in a crowd. The King is pissed. The King wants to make an example of this person. Your job is to find out who it was. Am I correct so far?" Jay asked. Artslaw shook his head in agreement. Jay continued "Looks like you're up the creek, Sporto. You don't know who he is, what he looks like, what his blood type is...nothing! How are you going to find him?" Artslaw shrugged his shoulders. "That's what I was going to ask you. Do you have any ideas on how to locate him?" he asked. "Nope." said The Executioner. "Artslaw, you're on your own." He walked back down the passageway to his office. Artslaw started to think about applying for political asylum in the Province of the Silver Dragon. Things were not going well. (Meanwhile, in another part of the Hex...) The passageway was rough-hewn, and fairly recently excavated. Two figures moved carefully down the hall. One figure whispered "The digging crew said that it is at the end of this section." The second shape replied "Just what is it that they found?" "Just a sec...let me check the map..." he struck a match and the light revealed Dave Gruber & Terry Hashey. Dave checked the maps of different levels against the one he had been making of this level. Dave said "We are directly beneath a dead end hall." Terry began to get impatient with the Kosher Cowboy. "Look, if I don't get some answers pretty soon, you are going to be scoping out this THING alone." he said. "Look Terry, all I know is that a crew of diggers ran into a wall where there shouldn't be one. We're checking it out. Now you know as much as I know. Are you happy?" Dave told him. "No, I'm not happy, but at least I know what's going on." Terry said. Little did they know..... "Hey Terry! Looks like we're coming to the end... Light up!" Number 9 rummaged around in a jacket pocket and came up with a Mag-Lite. "Nice light, where'd you steal it?" Dave inquired. "Remember a couple months back, when I got arrested for being a terminal nerd? I lifted it from the State Trooper." Terry replied. "Then,..." "Stop! I don't wanna hear any more" Dave said. Terry played the light down the passage. On the ground were some tools, a shovel, an axe, a pick, wheelbarrow, etc. At the end of the hall, the passage was halted when the pinheads were stopped by a brick wall. David checked his old blueprints. "This wall doesn't show up on any of the old system prints. Not even from the days when the Hex was a 2 drive system. Hmmm...." "Hey Dave! Come here and listen!" Terry called. He had one scaly ear pressed up against the wall. Dave slam-dunked Terry out of the way, landing him neatly in the box labeled "Assorted Tools". David placed an ear to the offending wall. He listened for a moment, then stepped away. Terry had extricated himself from the toolbox and once again approached the puzzled Gruber. "Terry, what did YOU hear?" Dave asked. "Well, I could be wrong, but I thought I heard a girl's voice then it was gone and all I could hear was this crunching & gnawing." Dave said "All I heard was the crunching & gnawing, but it seems I've heard it somewhere before..." He looked at Terry. "I am now open to suggestions." he said. Terry smiled. An invitation like this was not to be ignored! "You oughta stick you head up your ..." A quick snap-kick caused him to rethink his comment. Dave went back to studying his charts. Artslaw hit the main hall. He figured to lay low until the slimemold who slandered the King made his presence known. Then he would strike. Yes, that was the course of action he would take. He had just sat down with a grape Nehi at a corner table in the galley when Capt. Sam X. Johnson slithered up. He furled his red cape and sat down. "How's tricks, Awful Archduke Artslaw, Ardent Admirer of Awesome Armadillos And Articulate Aardvarks." Sam said, complete with the capital letters. Artslaw replied "Get serious, Capt'n. A user capable of bringing the Hex to a state of anarchy in a single message does not stop by to ask 'How's Tricks'." "What do you want?" The captain leered as a well-endowed serving wench asked for his order. "What I'd like and what will adequately serve my needs are two completely different things" he said, rolling his eyes at her. She picked them up and rolled them back to him. "Let me guess," she smirked. "A Yoo-Hoo with a twist. What a macho guy." "Insolent wench!" Sam cried as she left. "She's crazy about me. She just doesn't want anyone to know about it. Well...on to other business. I just wanted to know if you wanted to get in on the action this week." Artslaw replied "Ah, You're playing bookie this week. What are the subjects this week? Sandcrab wrestling?" "Well, frankly Artslaw, the topic is Artslaw vs. The Unknown. And the odds are not good for you. 3 to 1 of you getting burned at the stake, 2 to 3 odds of you being tarred & feathered..." Sam said. "What are my odds of finding the culprit?" "300,000 to 1" "I'll put a hundred bucks on me." "For you, Cash in Advance only." Sam said, holding out a furry paw. "Forget it." Artslaw said "I've gotta go. It's been real." As Artslaw left the galley, an alarm sounded. The Doc came running down the Hall. He handed Artslaw an cattle prod. "IT's escaped!" the Doc said. "No...It couldn't be. If things weren't bad enough already, now this." Artslaw thought. He asked the Doc "When & Where was he last seen?" "Well, I guess it was yesterday at feeding time. 24 Hours ago. He was still chained at the end of corridor 24 on level 9." Artslaw thought for a second then asked "How do you think he got out?" "It's pretty obvious that he had help." the Doc replied. By this time Sam had joined them. "Who's had help?" he asked. Artslaw & the Doc explained about the Thing. Sam said "It was Wa-". The Doc & Artslaw grabbed Sam and subdued him. "Don't say his name! Ever!" They cautioned him. The Doc released Sam then handed him a cattle prod too. Sam carefully tested it on Artslaw. Satisfied with the results, he said "Let's go! We'll round up that little doggie in no time!" Sam bounded down the corridor, yippie-ty-yi-yo-ing all the way. The Doc looked at Artslaw. "Basket case." he said. Artslaw shook his head in agreement. They hastened to follow. David looked up from his charts. "I have no idea where the entrance for that room is." he said. Terry, who was crazy but not stupid, wisely kept his mouth shut while Dave spoke rhetorically. "I think we oughta go back to level 9 and look for the entrance to this chamber." he said. "Terry, pack up all those tools and bring 'em along." David could hear Terry mumbling as he packed the tools. "What the hell does he think I am? A Sherpa?" he complained. David started up the passage back to level 9. Terry's annoyance got the better of his discretion, so he picked up a good-sized rock and winged it at Dave. Needless to say, it missed by a mile. Unfortunately, the rock had the bad luck to hit a key support stone in the passage. As David backtracked down the passage to calmly beat the hell out of Terry, a low rumble reverberated down the passage. Suddenly, the entire passage where Dave had been heading collapsed. (We will now join "Artslaw & Co."...Already in progress) "Sam!....Sam!!!....SAM!!!! Get your A$$ back here!" Artslaw called. "We need to go about this in an organized fashion. Doc, you & Sam go and get a few Pinheads from The Executioner. I'm going to find someone to watch the Hallway monitors in the control center. As soon as you get the pinheads, start a chamber-by-chamber search. Wait a second! Dan! Come here!" Dan Erlandson came sauntering out of the galley, an A&W root beer in one hand and the voluptuous serving wench in the other. "This had better be good. Esmerelda and I were just going back to my place to check out my new collection of pornographic braille etchings." "Listen Dan," Artslaw said. "I need you to go watch the garage level, especially that Honda Virago in the corner." Artslaw then slapped Sam on the side of the head. He had been staring and his mouth had been hanging open. "I don't believe it." Sam said. "I guess she doesn't have any taste." The Doc & Sam headed for the rear stairwell, while Dan & Esmerelda went to the main staircase and headed for the garage. Artslaw headed for the front gate. Asylum was looking better & better. "I think I'll just disappear and let the King hang the blame on someone else." Artslaw made it all the way to the stable before his plans ran afoul. As he saddled a horse, he heard the slide on a large caliber automatic chamber a round. "OK Sporto, don't make any fast actions. This ain't no paint pistol." Artslaw slowly turned around. The Old Man was holding a 9mm S&W about 12 inches from his face. "Where are you going in such a hurry?" the Old Man asked. Artslaw stammered "Um...Ahh..Well. It's like this..." "It's like what?" said the Old Man, rather testily. "The King wanted someone to...ah...go warn the Regent! That's it. Warn the Regent! Yeah!" "Hmmm....." There was still a look of skepticism in the Old Man's face. "I'm also going to get help to search for...it." Artslaw expounded. "Well...I guess it's ok then...Make sure you sign out that horse!" "No problem," Artslaw said. "I'll handle it." The Old Man holstered his automatic and started back to the main gate. Artslaw got on the horse and headed east. David pondered whether to croak Terry off immediately, or to make him help dig through the blockage and then kill him. "OK Terry, normally I'd send you to meet your maker now, but if you help dig, I won't torture you too much before I kill you." David said, throwing Terry a shovel. David went back to the wall and listened some more. Whatever was behind the wall must have finished it's repast, because all Dave could hear was some muffled snoring. Dave turned his attention back to Terry, who was working up a sweat trying to tunnel his way through the rockfall. "Hey! Terry! Slow down, man. You're hyperventilating and using up all the oxygen in here. C'mere a sec, I need to get your opinion on something." Terry came over and leaned on the shovel and listened to Gruber. "What do you think is behind this wall?" Dave asked. "Who cares about that? I'm just concerned about gettin' outta here!" "Do you have any idea how far you are going to have to dig to get through that mess?" Dave asked, indicating the collapsed passage. "No...why?" Terry asked, since he was a bit brain damaged. "Well, I don't know how much dirt is blocking our retreat, but it sounds like only about 6 inches of brick between us and the way out of here." "Yeah...a way out and something big & hungry, from what I heard." "Do you think whatever that thing is can handle the two of us? We could kick it's a$$ before it knows what's going on!" Dave said. Terry didn't know it, but Dave had full intentions of feeding Terry to the thing and escaping while it pigged-out. Terry picked up a pick-axe and sidled up to the wall. "How's about we make a small hole first and see just exactly we're up against?" he asked. Dave replied "Have at it...do what ever you want." Dave backed as far away from the wall as possible. He was no fool. Terry, on the other hand... "OK Doc, we've checked every chamber in the General Access areas. We've even checked the King's Private Apartments. I don't think he's still inside." The Doc looked sidelong at Capt'n Sam. "We ought to check with Dan...just to keep him out of trouble." he said, "Besides...he may have seen something down there." Sam thought for a second, then said "OK...Let's just stop by my apartment and let me change out of this 'Captain X' costume. It'll only take a second." "Good idea, Sam. It'll look a little more professional." the Doc replied. The Doc waited outside Sam's room while he changed. When he came out, it was all the Doc could do to keep from breaking up completely. "This isn't quite what I was thinking when I said 'professional'." he laughed. Sam was dressed in a rather peculiar outfit. A pair of ringmaster's breeches, a red bandleader's jacket (complete with gold brocade epaulets), black knee boots, and a red admiral's hat with a large "C" in gold brocade, and white handlebar moustache. "Don't tell me, let me guess... Captain X becomes Capt'n Crunch. Right?" the Doc said. "Where's the Crunchberry Beast?" (Author's Note- A rather sarcastic message from Sam Capt'n X. "Crunch" Johnson explained, in no uncertain terms, that the character of Captain X is not a superhero, but merely an illiterate pirate of little consequence, otherwise he would have had a REAL name. Sooooo...the character has been tailored to fit the description. The author stands corrected....) On the way to the garage to find Dan, Sam & the Doc encountered Kris Ponder. She was carrying a large box, filled with old sci-fi paperbacks & Chicken McNuggets. Kris looked surprised to see them. Sam said "Kris, it's very kind of you to cater the search effort, but really, you shouldn't be down here. What would happen if HE found you? "Ah...well...I'm...uh, I was just doing my part to help out, you know what a kind, thoughtful, generous, good-looking, benevolent, intelligent, popular, attractive, modest, & humble person I am." Kris said, as she gave a McNugget to the Doc. She handed one to Sam, then said "Well, lots more to distribute. We've gotta do this again sometime...Maybe some pizza one night?" Kris backed quickly down the hall before Sam or the Doc reply. "There's no conceit in her family," Sam said, "She's got it all." The Doc laughed at the old gag, then said "Let's get on with the search. Lots of things to do yet." They continued down to the parking level, where they came upon Dan and Esmerelda in a, um, compromising position. "Great job of watching the area, Dan." said Sam. "Y'know Dan," the Doc said "What y'all were doing is illegal, immoral, and probably a biological hazard. I've never seen rollerskates, traffic cones, rubber hoses, whipped cream, three watermelons & a sheep used in quite that manner. You must have attended the sex education classes at Episcopal." Dan just grinned and removed his football helmet. "Well, um...ah, nothing to report down here..." Esmerelda began to remove the electrical tape from her body, then put her waitress uniform back on. "We didn't see anybody down here, but Tres Randolph did come by with his inflatable Dolly Parton doll." Dan said. "I think that Artslaw is losing his marbles...that "Honda" Virago is a Yamaha Virago. The boy is not playing with a full deck..." "Well...we all make mistakes." Sam said. "And I guess that outfit is one of yours, eh Sam?" Dan said. "Hey, at least I won't get arrested for Contributing to the Delinquency of a Penguin like you will, Dan." "That penguin was over 21 years of age...so leave her out of this!" The Doc zapped Sam with his cattle prod before he could reply. "Enough of this foolishness! Let's find HIM before it's too late!" said the Doc. There were murmurs of agreement and one comment about Dan's parents having canine ancestry. (Do I really need to say who said it?) The group headed for the elevator. Sam punched the button for the main level, "Main level, Anon board, New User abuse, and E-mail! Boarding on track 5 now. ALLLLLL 'BOARD!" he shouted. The Doc, who had been standing next to Sam and thus received the full 90 decibels of his announcement, look at Sam. "Sam, did I ever show you how we remove the vocal cords from the guard-dogs? We use a propane torch & a pair of needle-nosed pliers. No anesthetic. Drop by the lab and I'll show you how it's done. First hand." "I get the point...no need to resort to sarcasm." Sam said, sheepishly. "Ah! We're here." said Dan, who had been intently watching the floor indicator rise."Let's find Artslaw and see how it goes." As the elevator door opened, The King and The Executioner were standing in front of the doorway. "Where's Artslaw?!" demanded the King. "We thought he was up here, watching the monitors." said the Doc. "Well...he's not. As a matter of fact, no one's seen him for two hours." said The Executioner. "It seems that the Archduke has failed in his charge and the villain has struck again." The Executioner motioned for everyone to accompany him outside. Written, in large block letters, on the front wall of the Hex were the words "The King is a Fink!!". The King was annoyed. Angry. Outraged. Veritably pissed off! His Highness turned to Sam & Dan. "Whichever of you bring him to me shall have his rank, title, and possessions. But make sure he's alive. I'll make an example of him for a warning to all." The Old Man, who had been feeding baby ducks to the Moat Monster, came over. "Your Highness! We don't see you out here very often! Why is it that you have graced our presence?" he asked. The King motioned for the Executioner to answer. "Well, do you remember long ago, The Shogun, of the Province of the Silver Dragon, was deposed by The Regent? Yeah, Kikko pitched him, and he came here to seek refuge. The King, knowing of the treachery and discontent sown by The Shogun, imprisoned him in a dark recess of the Hex. Now, with the aid of persons unknown, Wade has escaped, and seeks to cause revolt and destroy the harmony of the Hex." "Boy! Almost 75 words without a punchline! He must be slipping." said Dan. "Hey, I'm on a croissant, I used to be on a roll, but this is classier." The Executioner replied. He continued "Anyway, he seeks to destroy the Hex from within. And SOMEONE is helping him. We think it's Artslaw, who will be Coleslaw when we finish with him." "Whoa there a minute, man!" Sam said. "You've gotta be pulling my leg." "Nope. All evidence points to Artslaw. Just like now...Where is he?" the Executioner asked. "Well...um...uh.." "I rest my case." "Ah, honorable sirs, perhaps one lowly non-user-character could help?" The group turned their collective attention away from the Executioner/ Capt'n Crunch argument, and looked at the speaker. It was the Old Man. Dan spoke to the Old Man: "You're such a crotchety old Fart when someone comes up to the Hex for access. Why are you acting so humble now?" The Old Man looked aghast. "Me? Are you talking about me? Just ask anyone how kind I am to the users. Ask Sam here..." He stepped to Sam's side and put an arm around his shoulder. He put his other hand inside his cloak, and pressed his Smith & Wesson M59 against Sam's ribs. "Tell him what a nice guy I am, Sam." "Cease the terrorizing of the users, Old Man. Lest you find yourself back in roach clean-up patrol. Tell us what you know." said The King, who knew all about the Old Man's mental deficiencies. "Well Boss, it's like this, Artslaw came a-running when the first alarm was sounded. Told me he had to go tell the Regent 'bout the escape." "Right." "Well...that's what he told me." "Dan, Sam, go after him. Bring him back to me...alive." "What should I do, Boss?" the Doc said. "Well, I hate to do this, but we need to flush the Shogun out, so to speak," The King replied. The Executioner thought for a second then said "Well, we could flood the lower levels. That would bring him out." "OK, you and the Doc work on that. Old fart, I mean Old Man, Evacuate all users. Tell 'em we have special entertainment planned. Artslaw's execution!" The Executioner and The Doc headed for level 9. The Old Man's voice crackled over the intercom. "All users! All users! The King has most graciously provided entertainment for this afternoon. Everyone is requested to withdraw to the Fitzgerald Long Memorial Polo Field & Joust Court. Today's planned Event: Archduke Artslaw's Execution. That is all." "Well, what do you have planned?" asked the Doc. "I haven't decided yet." the Executioner replied. The Executioner and The Doc continued down the corridor. A pinhead appeared, with two users in hand. He was pulling them toward the exit. The Doc stopped them. "What are you doing?" he asked the Pinhead. "Ahedh ekjjasm kejiwfsr gagwbejn. Wghdmz?" he replied. "New users in the lower levels, eh?" "We didn't mean to trespass...honest!" they groveled. "Well..." said the Doc, looking at their New User nametags, "One new user and one new user using an obvious alias. Mr. Karpf and Mr. Ben Z. Drean... Since you're down here, we might as well put you to work." The Executioner led the way to a large pair of doors. He then handed each of them a baseball bat and a 12 foot bullwhip. "This is really dangerous. What y'all need to do is herd the roaches and pinheads to the main gate then to the edge of the moat. Be liberal with the whip and club. Use 'em to keep their attention, otherwise they'll start to wander." said the Executioner. "Now...when I open the door, start 'em down the hall." The Executioner slid back the bolt and swung the door wide. 3000 pinheads wearing "I Love Capt'n X" T-shirts ran forward. The new users herded 'em down the hall. "If they make it, I'll have 'em dubbed Knights." said the Doc. Terry delved deep into one pocket of his jacket. He came up with a dental probe with which he started to dislodge the mortar from around one brick. Dave looked at the probe, "Don't tell me... You had a dental appointment last week and they left you unattended in the chair." he said. "Yeah...you shoulda seen me trying to hide the bottle of laughing gas under my jacket. But the X-Ray machine was the biggest challenge! I had-" "Don't tell me anymore...I don't wanna get involved." Dave said. "I must remember to see if Terry could get me a new Corvette." He thought. He remembered what the Dingleberry Twins - The Segura Brothers- had told him one time: "After being around Terry for more than 10 minutes, first count your fingers, then your fillings, then your relatives." Seems they weren't joking. "Um..Terry,...without going into too much detail on where it came from, what else do you have in your pockets?" "Hmmmm...let's see. I have $110.55, 80 pages of fanfold paper, 7 pencils, 2 bottles of Yoo-Hoo, a Sony walkman, a cordless phone, a six pack of cherry Coke, a roll of scotch tape, the Sysop's electric razor, the waterpump from a '76 Olds Cutlass, a salt shaker form Pizza Hut, a bag of Reeses Peices, a paint pistol and 2 tubes of paint, and in the other pocket, a copy of 'The Restaurant at the End of the Universe', an ashtray, 3 M-80's, a pint of superglue, and one slightly used prophylactic device." "Great. How are you doing with the wall." Dave asked. "OK, almost through, and hey! That female voice is back! Listen!" Terry said. Dave clamored over to the wall. As they pressed their ears to the wall, the realization of who it was hit them at the same time. "Terry, do you have a Lemon Pie in your jacket?" Dave said, grinning. It was Kris Ponder. Dave knew that whining voice anywhere. Terry carefully slid the brick to one side. It left a gap of about an inch which he could see into the chamber through. He was disgusted! "Gasp!" he gasped. Dave applied his right All-Star to the side of Terry's head, which sent the annoying little snit bouncing like a Jai-Lai ball. Dave then pressed his hairy eyeball up to the hole. Kris Ponder was speaking while the Nameless One ate. "I guess that takes care of Artslaw. We framed him pretty convincingly. Next we'll get Gruber & The Executioner. That'll teach them to throw pies at me..." Wade mumbled in agreement as he snarfed a 20 pack of McNuggets. Kris continued "Now, I'm sure when they catch Artslaw, they'll have a public execution. While everyone is at the event, you sneak into the general records section and erase all the Inner-Circle's passwords. Pretty soon, I'll have the highest rank of all the users." "'Rank' is the word I would have used for her..." Dave thought. Meanwhile, in the Province of the Silver Dragon..... "Honest, Kikko, I didn't do anything!!" Artslaw pleaded. The Regent shook her head. "Nothing doing, Artslaw. If I let you hide out here, soon I'd have every refugee and slimeball in the region asking for asylum here." "But Kikko..." "Forget it. Besides...if you're really innocent, the truth will be found out. The King is not totally unreasonable. Besides..." The Regent snapped her fingers. Sam & Dan appeared from behind a screen at the rear of the Regent's Audience room. They grabbed Artslaw and tied his hands & feet. "We haven't had a public execution for a long time." she said, smiling. Sam and Dave quickly hogtied & gagged Artslaw. After a short debate on whether to drag him back to the Hex, or just throw him across the back of the horse, the Regent insisted they have a nosh before setting out. "Listen, guys. I don't want to disturb you, Lord knows you're disturbed enough already, but there's been some strange things going down on the West Road. People have just been disappearing, without a trace. The only clue is that in one case there was a HUGE set of bare footprints." the Regent told the Demented Duo, as they stuffed Yoo-Hoo sandwiches down their gullets. Sam looked shocked. "Huge BEAR footprints...Y'know Dan, maybe I oughta stay and make sure nothing happens here..." "I didn't say 'BEAR footprints', I said 'BARE'. Y'know...B-A-R-E. Unshod. No shoes. Au Naturel... Get it?" interrupted the Regent. "Besides...two strong, handsome, intelligent, cunning men like you guys should have no problem..." she continued, batting her eyes at Sam. Sam, who was exceptionally susceptible to having his ego stroked, jumped up. "Right! Let's go! Head 'em up! Move 'em out! Yo! Dan, let's bag it, sporto! Let's get the hell outta Dodge..." he yelled...heading out the door and down to the front entrance. Dan looked at Kikko. "Y'know...you have a great future in state politics, if you ever decide to go that way." "I'll keep that in mind. You better go catch Sam before he picks a fight with one of the Sumo wrestlers that are vacationing here this week." Sam & Dan rode with Artslaw between them, still bound & gagged. Dan had brought out his guitar and they sang old Warren Zevon tunes to pass the time. "After 10 long years, they let him out of the the Home, Excitable Boy they all said. And he dug up her grave & built a cage with her bones, Excitable Boy they all said. Yeah...He's just an excitable boy." "Hey, Dan, how 'bout 'Lawyers, Guns, & Money'" said Sam. "Hmmmmmm......" Dan said, strumming. "I'm living in Honduras...hiding from the Man, Dad, send lawyers, guns, & money 'cause the shit has hit the fan!" they sang. Looking ahead, Dan saw a sign in the road. CAUTION: FALLING ROCKS SLOW CHILDREN DETOUR BRIDGE OUT ROAD CLOSED FOR REPAIR TOLL: .85 / AXLE INSPECTION STATION STOP "Do you think they want us to stop?" Sam asked, indicating the 6 black cloaked men who had been hiding in the underbrush. The Ninjas drew their Katanas and motioned for Dan & Sam to dismount. As they started to dismount, a heavy staccato pounding shook the ground. The would-be robbers scattered into the brush screaming & yelling, while Dan grabbed the reins for Artslaw's horse and spurred his horse down the road. Sam, however, was a different story. As he tried to control his beast, he was thrown to the ground. The horse lit out for parts unknown...leaving Sam to fend for himself. From beside the road, it appeared. 8'9" of grossly misshapen ogre. Size 21 feet. It was running at a clip that would have made it a contender at the '85 Olympics, had he attended the games. "Omigawd! It's a RUNNING GAG!" screamed Sam, as it reached out a grimy hand and tucked him under one arm, not unlike the move Kerwin Bell would put on a football. The Gag quickened his pace and headed south. -={Meanwhile, somewhere under the Hex.}=- The Doc & the Executioner continued down to the Waterworks. As they passed a corridor, the Doc said. "Yo...Hold up a second. Someone left a door open." "Look down there... What's that light doing on?" he asked. "I don't know...let's scope it out." The Executioner replied. An awful stench emanated from the room. As they looked in, they could hear a scratching noise. It seemed to be coming from behind one wall. The room itself was not a standard Hex room. "It seems that it was programmed in by someone inside the system. It couldn't be found by standard users. I'll bet this was where the Shogun was hiding out." said Jay "Yeah...Look here. McNuggets...And an un-used bar of soap." said the Doc. The scratching became louder. The Executioner pulled a Hi-Power from his jacket. "Wait." said The Doc "I've got something better." He had a spray can in his hand. "Essence of Nomad. It'll stop anything!" he said. The Executioner & The Doc crept into the room. They stood to the side of where the noise was coming from. A loud thud was heard, then another, and then a large section of the wall collapsed. The Doc jumped in front of the breached wall, spritzing like a madman. "That'll take care of you...you little bas.....Oh..Sorry, Terry.." he said. Terry looked like he had swallowed a whole mackerel. Live. "That's some potent stuff, there, Doc. I'll bet we could make a bundle on it if we bottled it and sold it as mother-in-law repellent." the Executioner commented. Dave crawled over the rubble and out of the hole as they helped Terry back to his to his feet & his senses. The Executioner administered a few quick slaps and short punches. "Forget him!" said Dave. "Wade's loose. And guess who's helping him sabotage the Hex?" "We already know all about it. And they are probably are on the way back from the Province with his accomplice now." said the Doc. "What? No, they both just left here...not 5 minutes ago." "Couldn't be. The Old Man watched Artslaw leave. He couldn't have gotten back in without us seeing him." said the Executioner. "Artslaw? Who said anything about Artslaw? Kris is helping him!" Dave said. "Kris Ponder. Ahhhh, Now I see." said the Executioner. "We've got to stop them. She want's to trash the Inner Circle's members. She wants to have the highest rank on the system." Dave explained "And it could be she wants revenge." "Revenge?" the Doc asked. "The pie incident?" asked the Executioner. "Exactly." "Let's find 'em before they do any more damage." said the Executioner. As they left the room, they failed to notice the empty box marked: "LAW rockets - US Army Surplus" "Look, you've destroyed my new threads, broken my sunglasses, bruised my whole body, and mussed my hair beyond recognition. Will you please put me down? I don't have anything you would want." Sam pleaded. The running Gag continued at a moderate jog that was pounding Sam into a mass of jelly. It felt like they had been travelling for hours. Suddenly, they stopped. The Gag screamed. The sound about gave Sam a concussion. A shadow blotted out the sun, and Sam could see a huge pair of talons grab the Gag and lift them off the ground. Sam's last thought, just before he passed out, was "Out of the frying pan...and into the fire." Back at the Hex, things were hopping. The two new users had gotten the pinheads out to the moat with a minimum of bodily harm. The pinheads were standing at attention next to the moat. Roger Bahadur & Greg Duncan could not pass up the temptation that was offered. "Time for your Physics lesson." Greg told the pinheads. Roger pushed the last one in line over the edge of the moat. As the pinhead fell, he grabbed the one next to him, to try to keep from falling in. This of course made the second one fall, who grabbed the third, who also fell. Within seconds, all the pinheads were fish food. Greg yelled to the pinheads:"That's the Domino Effect. I'll expect a 10 page report from y'all tomorrow!" The two new users ran up to Greg & Roger. "Look, we were supposed to keep them out of trouble...We're going to have to tell the King what you did. What are your names?" "Right." Greg winked at Roger. "I'm Wizzard Pendleton." he said. Roger said "And I'm Rob Rodgers." The new users wrote down the names and stalked off. Right about that time, Dan arrived with Artslaw. The entire system had retired to the Outcast Stadium, to see the execution. Artslaw had been tied to a post in the center of the field. The King approached the microphone. "Genties & Ladlemen..." he began. Obviously, he had sampled the punch that the Regent had brought from the Province just for the occasion. "We are gathered here to witness the punishment of a black-hearted villain, a real two-faced S.O.B. who took advantage of his rank, to conspire to do evil on the system. Also, it was because of him, that the System has lost one of it's most revered users, Sam "Captain X. Crunch" Johnson. On a mission to bring back Artslaw from the Province of the Silver Dragon, Sam was captured by a renegade Running Gag and is presumed dead." Murmurs of shock and outrage ran through the crowd. The King signalled for silence. "The Archduke's partner in evil will shortly be captured." he continued "Until then, rotten vegetables can be purchased at the concession stand, and everyone can take a little target practice, courtesy of the Ex-Archduke. When the Shogun is captured, we will execute them both simultaneously. A double header...or rather a double be-header, so to speak." The King stepped down from the podium. There was a mad stampede for the concession stand. As the King made His way back to the private seats reserved for the Inner Circle, a flash and explosion ripped apart the microphone stand. The force of the explosion threw the King to the ground. The crowd looked back to the ramparts of the Comm-Hex, just in time to see a second rocket get launched toward the stands. The crowd, as one, hit the dirt. Fortunately, the rocket passed over the top of the stands harmlessly. The crowd of users scurried to find cover before a third shot came. Those with eyesight good enough could see a bulbous figure shoulder a rocket launcher and aim for the spot the slim female figure pointed out. As the Shogun drew a bead on the Inner Circle's section, neither he nor Kris saw the winged shape far,far above them fold it's wings and dive straight down. As the crowd made for cover, a streak plummeted out of the sky, pulling up out of its dive just as it reached the parapet. They saw it hover for a split second, then after snatching the two figures, glide toward the polo field. Unfortunately, the load was just too much. The Winged Lizard frantically beat its wings to keep from falling into the moat. It finally dropped the huge figure, who fell end over end into the moat. As the Lizard glided into the stadium a cheer went up. It was Floyd that had saved everyone's bacon. Between his foreclaws he held a VERY pissed Kris Ponder. And even more surprising...on his back, was Sam Johnson. Sam was playing it very nonchalantly. "Yeah, Floyd saved my buns from the Gag, and as we arrived, we saw the rockets, and we knew that if we didn't get 'em, you guys would be hamburger." A few moments later, the Doc, the Executioner, Dave & Terry arrived at the field. "We caught up with them in Password Control. Before they could do any damage we routed them back to the main stairwell." the Executioner explained. "We didn't know, however, that they had those rockets." the Doc said. The King said "No real damage was done...and I guess that this is all wrapped up. Let's all go eat. The kitchen staff has been busting ass all day to have a banquet ready. It's time to celebrate! Floyd's Back!" The celebration continued far into the night. Sometime around 2:00am, the King & the Executioner wandered into the Stadium. "Y'know, I thought we'd forgotten something." said the King. "It seems we have." said the Executioner, looking to where the King was pointing. "I guess we should untie & apologize to Artslaw." he said. EPILOGUE: Maybe I oughta start by explaining what happened to the main characters. A small, unpretentious, dinner was given in Artslaw's honor, to apologize for the inconvenience. Although he says all is forgiven and forgotten, it probably isn't. Kris was found not guilty by reason of insanity. Dave & the Executioner promised never to make Lemon Pie jokes in her presence. Dan keeps changing his last name to that of dead presidents. Last I heard, he was calling himself "Dan Lincoln". Floyd is back on duty inside the Hex, maintaining the files, disciplining errant users, etc... Dave Gruber is back trying to hawk IBM-Compatibles and not doing a very good job of it. Terry is doing 3-5 years for Mega-Grand-theft. Seems he got caught with the Sysop's Mazda in his garage. I guess that puts a wrap on it... I really do need to apologize to everyone I insulted over the course of this mess...especially Dan, Sam, Steve, & of course Kris. Y'all are pretty good sports. I only got a couple specific threats on my life. My thanks to the users of the Anonymous Board for putting up with this stuff. Thanks for the encouragement, and I hope you enjoyed it. Number 24