"Chessmen of the Apocalypse" Part One Late 2365 Galactic, early AD 1990 [Captain R/C] In the beginning.......................(how all great stories start) "Ok, uhh.... put it over there..."said KEO Joe to the Duke of Norad. "Naa... It DOES look better over here, by the throne." "Please make up your mind sire, she is heavy you know," Nomad said in vain. "I AM NOT! You're just too weak!" Shammy politely said. "Oh alright... just drop her anywhere... she'll go where she needs to (Ed's N: I feel my access draining away...)" concluded Joe. "Boy, that's a load off my mind," said Nomad. "Anything else?" "Let's see..." Joe thought. "Any suggestions?" he said to his Councillor. "Naa... he looks beat.. it's not easy re-arranging the thrown room, you know... especially with Floyd in the way." Everyone looked at that lazy dragon who snorted casually and went to sleep. "If I were you, I'd let him go tend to Norad. It seems the Duke of Ego is after his land." "That'll be all, Nomad. Thanks for your help," said Joe, authoritatively. "Thanks your honor." "Your Magesty." "Yes, that is what I meant to say, your honor." "Your Magesty." "Thank you, your honor, but I'm only a duke. You shouldn't have to say that to lowly ol' me," said Nomad, as he left. "Ahhh... I'm bored... go find me some entertainment, R/C." "How about the local marchants, sire? We always have fun tossing them to the moat monster," suggested R/C. "Wonderful... bring them in. Watch this, dear," he said to Shamrock, "this is great fun." The first one entered; a pudgy fat man. "Your honor, may I.." "YOUR MAGESTY!!!" "No your honor. I am just a humble merchant, you do not need to call me..." "YOU'RE SUPPOSED TO CALL ME YOUR MAGESTY!!" "Ok, whats your number?" the merchant asked. "It's 642-61..." started R/C. "SHUT UP!!! That's IT! You're gone already!" KOE Joe pushed a button and the floor under the merchant sprang up and shot him out the window down into the slimy jaws of the moat monster. The next merchant came in. A tall man with a fake moustache. "Are you tired of cleaning those messy bass? Are you sick of skinning your fish? Well, let me show you this. It's the Bass-O-Matic. It slices, dices, scales...." "Get on with it..." "Yes...let me give you an example.. uh ohh... I forgot to bring my fish. Oopss.." "I'll give you some fish!" Joe pushed another button and a big shoe came down from the ceiling and kicked the merchant out of the window. Shammy laughed along with Joe. "NEXT!" The next guy was short and bald. He carried only ice, a glass, a dirty tie and All Temperature Cheer. Without saying a word, he placed everything into a glass and shook it for about five minutes, he claims. When he removed the tie, it was clean. "Will it get out blood stains caused by a man eating fish? Why don't we find out!" He pushed another button and a trap door opened up and the merchant fell though, all the way to the moat monster. Again, everyone laughed. The next merchant was a little fuzzy rabbit which played a base drum. he walked right on by. Next was a rather muscular man, with an ominious scar on his cheek. "Your magesty, we meet at last. My, doesn't your throne room look dashing tonight. The dragon adds a nice touch." Floyd snorted again. "Push the button Joe!" shammy said, almost cracking up. "Not yet, I like this guy!" "May I intrest you in some Fountain of Youth Juice? It'll make you live for another 20 years!" "Yeah? How much?" "Ummmmm, I'll let it go for 100 GP's." "Nope... sorry.. I'd only pay 10 GP's." "Ok, 10 is fine. " The merchant grabbed the money and gave Joe the vial of Youth Juice. "Here it goes... bottoms up---" Joe tilted his head back and poured the liquid past his lips. No immediate effect was noticeable, however, the King didn't seem to be in any big hurry to straighten his head back level, again. "Joe?" No answer. "JOE?!" No answer. Shammy shook his shoulder, only to have him fall over backwards on the floor. R/C, upon seeing this, jumped up and yelled, "GET THE DOC, STOP THAT MERCHANT! JOE IS INJURED!!!!" The guards at the door rushed in. "You dopes! The merchant already left!" yelled R/C. "No one has been by us!" the guard said. "And he's not in here...??" "What? huh?" The Throne room became windy and a voice echoed, "Revenge is sweet." Then it was gone. The room was silent, Joe lay still and Shammy by his side, weaping in sorrow. [Zaphod Beeblebrox] A few Marquis' and a Count rushed into the throne room to check out their Magesty. KOE Joe still laid on the ground with the vial of the Youth Juice still grasped firmly in his hands. The Count pulled out some vital equipment and began trying to check out King Joe. "He seems to be still breathing. His pulse is ok. It looks like he just may be unconscious. Or maybe in a light coma, perhaps. But, I think we ought to get him down to the Castle Doctor's Office and get his stomach pumped. In case the Youth Juice was poison." the Count stated, motioning a Marquis to bring out a stretcher. Duke Spiderman ran in, hearing all the commotion, and saw Joe laying on the stretcher still grasping the Youth Juice vial. "What happened?" "KOE Joe drank some fabled 'Youth Juice' and seems to have slipped into a coma of some kind," replied the Count, lifting Joe with the help of the Marquis'. Shammy still wept beside him. "Well, who let the freak in?" yelled Spidey. His High Excellency, Captain R/C ordered the Duke of Beeblebrox, Zaphod, and Duke Sevarian to search the area for any traces of the 'freak' merchant that somehow got through with the Youth Juice. Meanwhile, Joe's stomach was pumped and most of the juice was taken out. But some minerals and ingredients of the juice was still taken into his bloodstream to have unknown effects. [Captain R/C] "Well, I s'pose the first order of business is to appoint a replacement king," remarked his LORDSHIP, R/C. "This all came at s....(SNIFF) such a bad time.. with the McArthians invading in the north, we simply must get a new king, ....for now..." said Shammy, snobbishly, I mean sobishly. "..how do we go about picking a new king?" "Silly, kings aren't just picked! They must rise to power by taking control of more land than..." "That could take ages... we need a king now..." "I guess we must consult....The Book.."said R/C.. "... Not THE book!" "Yes... The Omnisient Book of Picking a Replacement King and Bathroom Repair!" said R/C Authoritatively. In moments, the group was down in the ancient castle archives consulting the Omnicient Book of Picking a Replacement King and Bathroom Repair. "What's it say?"asked Zaphod. "It says..." R/C cleared his throat. "First, remove the toilet seat. Then, being careful not to spill your crap, unscrew the toilet from the pipes and.." "ABOUT THE KING!!! "Oh... yeah... lesse... First, make sure your current king is unable to lead.." "Haha... he's not able to think!" scoffed Spidey. Shammy hit him on the head with Joe's sceptre. "He'll feel that in the morning," she said. "Then, pick the king using a five number Pick-5 number system with the numbers ranging anywhere from 1 to 49 or some other odd, inconvenient number. The winner will become king until such time as the real king is able to lead again." "A lottery?" "S'waht it says!" R/C says. "Might as well..." ...The next day, the entire castle was assembled in the courtyard, each peasant was given a ticket. Five dukes of the kingdom each picked a number out of the hat and read what they had. The Duke of Beeblebrix started, "ONE!" he announced. Half the crowd cheared. The Duke of Norad was next, "THREE!" he bellowed. Three fifths of the crowd cheered. The Duke of Ego was next, or is it the duke of Mack.. whatever, "FIVE!" he yelled. Two fifths of the crowd cheered. The Duke of Arachnids was next, "81!" he said. No one cheered. "Ok, maybe it's 18." 3.14159287 percent of the crowd cheered. Shammy drew the last number. "49" she said. One dumb looking man stood up. "I won! I won!!!" he bellowed. "Wonderful! Another Reagan," Nomad muttered. "Come and introduce yourself." The man came up and annouced to all that he was Dexter, the new king. No one cheered. Later that day, Joe was moved into the kings chamber to recovor. Dexter appointed to guards to guard the chamber. "Make sure no one enters this room," Dexter said. "Right, make sure no one leaves... got it." "No... make sure no one enters this room.." "Ok, no one can enter this room." "...unless I say it's ok.." "Right, no one can leave, unless you say it's ok." "No... no, no one can ENTER unless I say it's ok." "Oh.. Ok, no one will enter, even if you say it's ok." "NO! NO ONE CAN ENTER, UNLESS I say it's Ok!" "Unless you say it's ok, no one can leave." "Enter." "Enter?" "NO ONE can enter!" "Got it! No one can enter." "Unless I say it's ok." "Is it ok?" "To what?" "For us to enter?!" "Of course! You're the guards!" "Ohh... so you want us to enter, but allow no one else to enter because you said it was ok." "NO! unless I say it's ok, no one can enter!" "Wait, I thought you just said no one can enter unless you say it's ok!" The king gave up. "R/C! Nomad! get in here and guard these guards!" R/C agreed even though he thought this was a really dumb story and that he hoped Nomad came though and straightened it all out! [Sevarian] R/C and Nomad appeared, with the Doctor following close behind. The Doc stepped in front of the group and said "I've ran some tests and figured out that the 'Youth Juice' was really some kind of vegatable derivative. Shows what harm comes from eating weeds. I've managed to stave off the effects with large infusions of cholesterol, but unless some antidote is found..." "You don't mean..." gasped R/C. The Doctor grimaced. "I'm not sure WHAT I mean. I just liked the dramatic effect. In any case, the antidote MUST be found, and that requires that the Castle's best men be put on the case. Unfortunately, they're all in the land of Multi right now, so the Dukes will have to do. I'll keep an eye on these two guards." "Right!" cried Nomad. "ONWARD! For the greater glory of Der FatherLand! Vith ze power of mine hand shall I smite the heathen...." shrieked R/C, slowly trailing off as he realized that everone was staring at him. He and Nomad left the room to find the other Dukes. Meanwhile, The Duke of Beeblebrox and Duke Sevarian were searching the throne room. "Gee, isn't it a shame about what happened to His Majesty," commented Sevarian. Zaphod turned abruptly away. He mumbled something about "Could have been worse....dislocated pelvis...coma, big deal, all this fuss..." "Hmm? What's that Zaph?" "Oh, ah, nothing. Just offering a humble prayer for Joe's swift recovery...say, what's this? Looks like some sort of slime." Sevarian looked over. "Oh, looks like Floyd's been drooling again. Those pinheads haven't been mopping the place since the Old Man disappeared." "No, No...Dragon mucus is sort of greenish. Besides, the trail leads towards the doorway, and then takes a turn and goes...er...straight into that wall." "C'mon Zaph, whadda ya think this is, a fairy tale?" "Well, yeah, actually I do." "Hmm. Perhaps you're right. What's on the other side of this wall?" "I don't know, but I can find out..." Zaphod pulled out a pocketknife, and started scraping away the mortar between two of the blocks in the wall. "That's neat Zaph...but I was kind of thinking we might just walk AROUND the wall..." Zaphod looked up from his work. "Around? Well, okay, I guess so...I mean, if you WANT to hurry the story along..." Just then, R/C and Nomad arrived on the scene.... [The Insomniac] R/c and Nomad shouted, "We must consult the king!" "No," said Zaphod, "we were here first and our thing is more important." "Excuse me," a deep voice echoed the chamber. "I was here first. I have travelled all the way from Barsetshire to lend aid to my king. My soothsayers have soothsaid that something horrible will happen to him. " While they turned around the dukes of the castle noticed that he had been been sitting up there for some time. "Up where?" asked the Duke Alter Ego. "Don't talk to the narrator-- he's a queer," said the Marqui of Barsetshire. "Okay, but how the heck did you get up there with all those guards?" inquired the Beeblebroxian Duke. "Oh, that's easy. I am really the InsoBeast, a horror when I get no sleep, but an all around nice guy otherwise. Of course, you wouldn't know that because you haven't been following the scrolls in Duke Arsee's chamber. Now, shall we all go to see the king?" And with that monologue, the Insomniac climbed down from the ledge previously unnoticed by any castle inhabitant. "How did you get up there?" asked the Duke of Mack. "Well, I know much of this castle because I have read the ancient scrolls in the basement of the Alamo when I couldn't sleep," explained the Marqui. "But there is no basement in the Alamo." stated Zaphod. "That's what you think. Now, where is the king?" "Oh, he's in the Cloak Room admiring the tapestry," a Duke informed him." "Here, let's take this secret passage. It takes three hands. Come on Sir Advisor, now push." And with that, the wall opened up a staircase to the cloak room. As they came apon the cloak room, Arsee noticed some strange sounds. He popped into the cloak room and saw King Dexter laying on the cloak rack with two maidens, bereft of clothing. "Alright, Dex, get up. We have business to attend to," said the King's Advisor. "Hey, the REAL king wouldn't be doing stuff like this!" exclaimed Lord Mack. "Yes, you're right-- a REAL would only be with one. This must be an impostor!" shouted the Somnambulist. "And how do you know?" asked R/c. "Well," said Zaphod,"it's right here in the Volume XXIV, The Conduct of a Rightful King." "Where did you get your ticket?"asked Nomad. "Umm... the Lady of the Lake ?" "It's a forgery!" interrupted a commoner barging into the chamber. "I have the real ticket!" The guards came running in, apologising. "We.. we tried to stop him, lord, but--" R/c cut him off, "What be thy name?" "Janko Buk, milord." "And you are the rightful king?" "Yea, milord." "Quit calling me that!" "Okay." "How do we know you're the rightful king if Dexter here already fooled us?" "Well," said the Marqui," a rightful king can defend himself against all the uncertain in Royal Combat." "How's that?" asked Alter. "Let me explain," said Zaphod, "the real king can beat any challengers in one of two kinds of combat." "What about the other kind?" asked Dexter. "You'll tie," said the Insomniac. And so the castle prepared for the Games For Royalty. "Couldn't you think of a better name?" asked Lord Mack. "NO. We're in a hurry anyways," a duke answered. The first combat was in broomstick jello carving. Each man was given a jello statue and a broomstick, and tried to make the other fall head first into his own statue. Obviously, the real king would not be so embarrassed. The match begun. First Dexter had the advantage, then Janko struck him with the broomstick, and Dex almost fell into his statue. Dexter parried, then slashed Buk's feet out from under him. While pushing the body towards the statue, Dexter recieved a terrible blow to the right thigh. "My cause is just and my blows are strong. I am the rightful king and do hereby defeat this bastard!" bellowed Janko Buk. "I will not be dethroned!" shouted the present king in anguish. The fight for power got more intense. Finally the jello statues were gone. "Now what?" asked Alter. "Well, it's a tie. We now go on to the next contest, a game of Live Chess," said Zaphod. "I will round up all men, women, and children in the realm for choosing players," said R/c. "I am the greatest swordsman in all of Batsetshire and the surrounding territories. I can take on 50 vocational warriors at once. I believe with all my heart that Janko is the rightful king, so I will play for him." "Insomniac, what are vocational warriors?" asked Zaphod. "Well, they're paid soldiers that anyone can hire. They're a top notch army," the Marqui explained. And so both contenders for the throne went off to round up chessmen. "Hurry up, guys. We've got two problems for our next king, probably connected in some way." said the Advisor. "Who left the awful slime in the Throne Room, anyway? It wasn't me," said the Somnambulist. "Who," said Zaphod,"or what....." [Captain R/C] As the group pondered weak and weary, a pinhead walked by with a runny nose. "Couldn't be..." INsomniac said. "They don't let Pinheads in the throneroom. "Hmmmmm... This does present a problem... suppose that that fake merchant were to.." Suddenly, a maiden stepped up. It was Shammy's maiden. "Councillor R/C?! You must get rid of Dexter! He is not who you think he is!" "Well, I didn't think much of him in the first place, he seemed..."started R/C. "That isn't what I mean! He is evil! If he remains king, he will throw all the nobles into the dungeon for ever and he will have floyd made into a dragonskin rug!" "They CAN'T DO THAT to FLOYD!" Zaphod became mad. Floyd was like a father to him. "I'll kill 'em!" Zaphod drew his sword and stroked it with his thumb. "You must hurry! This so-called Dexter is calling in his men from a kingdom afar!" "Another kingdom?! Sooo.....A plot to defeat the Hex, eh?" Insomniac reflected. "I must leave now, I told Dexter's guards that I had to powder my nose." "Powder your nose?! huh?" This confused Spidey. "It means I have to do..." she paused, "Lady's things..." "Lady's things?" Obviously, Spidey was not well trained in the field of women. "..Geez, even those guards are brighter than you! Godspeed to you all.." She hurried back to her room with Queen Shammy and the REAL King. KOE Joe. "Dexter is not Dexter, eh? Hmmmmm.... If he cheated to get the throne, suppose he'll cheat to win the chess game to maintain the throne!" R/C said. "We must warn Janko Buk!" "....I wish this was a democracy or something so I'd be king, since I'm second in power anyway.." R/C... He's always complaining.... [Sevarian] Sevarian looked at Zaphod, who was still stroking the edge of his sword. His face was a study in sheer agony, and his thumb looked like a piece of beef after Mr. Food had finished with it. "Um...Zaph?" "Yeah?" Zaph spoke between clenched teeth and around sobs of pain. "You can stop that now. Scene's over." R/C slapped both of them. Would you two stop screwing around? We must warn Janko. If Dexter wins, I may not be Vice-KOE anymore!" R/C and Spidey rushed from the room, followed by Sevarian, the Insomniac, and the Duke of Beeblebrox who had linked arms and were chanting something about "pinheads and dragons and slimecreatures, oh my!" The group arrived at the chess board, which was set up on the Fitzgerald Long Memorial Polo Field. Janko was lounging on top of his throne in the White King position of the chessboard. Standing next to him in the Queen spot was Gabrielle A-leen muttering something about "filthy bastards" and swinging a pool cue. The other team was nowhere in sight. "Yo, your Royalness," said R/C, "Shammy just told us that something isn't right with Dexter. Watch out. He'll probably try something. Hate to see you get killed, or anything." Dexter grinned. "You can help me watch out. You're playing." R/C gulped. "Now wait just a flippin' second..." "You're the one who wanted to come warn him," said Spidey. "Well... just as long as I'm not a pawn," said the Insomniac. Dexter's grin got bigger. "Pawns? Certainly not. You're going to all be right back here on the last row, with me." Sevarian groaned. "Great. The ones everybody guns for." "Stop whining and move along. You have to get into your costumes before this thing starts," ordered Dexter. Various words along the lines of "Costumes?" "No Way!" and "Sux" were heard at this point. The group adjourned, to re-form several minutes later. Nomad and the Insominac had donned Bishop's Robes, Spidey and Zaphod had armor and little stick horses, and R/C and Sevarian looked supremely silly with paper mache' castles taped to their foreheads. Zaphod, Sevarian, and the Insomniac moved to the King's side, while the rest took the Queen's. The pawns filed in, consisting of people who have called a hundred times without posting. There was still no sign of the opposing side. Sevarian was adjusting his paper castle and talking to Zaph. "You know, Zaph, I almost hope he DOES get killed, making us dress up like this." Zaphod laughed. "Yeah... I wonder what--" Zaph's words were interrupted when a large lightning bolt hit the other end of the "board." When the smoke had cleared, the Black side stood on the field. They looked particularly menacing. A little storm cloud hovered over the Queen, whose identity could not be determined. Likewise, the Knights were mounted on tall war horses, with eyes of fire. Even the pawns were imposing. "Wait a second," R/C muttered. "That looks like..." The mutter became a shout. "HEY! Nobody said anything about Battle Chess!" There was a menacing laugh and a voice boomed out "Let the game....BEGIN!" Sevarian nodded at Dexter. "Te Morituri Salutamus," He said. "Busta move," added Zaph. [Captain R/C] (HAHAHA!! BATTLE CHESS!!! NOW I'm GLAD I'm a Rook!) "Oh well... as long as I get to take the queen..." R/C let out a sinister grin. Dexter sat on his throne and thought long and hard about his move. Seconds became minutes.... minutes became hours... hours became days.... days became weeks... weeks became months....... months became seasons..... seasons became years.... years became centuries.... centuries became... "GET AHOLD OF YOURSELF!!!" Zaphod yelled at the Narrator. Oh, my... sorry about that.... "You must've been dropped on your head when you were little," Zaph muttered. "...on purpose..." R/C added. Finally a light bulb lit up above Dexter's head. "B4-C6," Dexter said aloud. "Sorry, Pawns may move forward only," an omnicient voice said. "Picky son of a b... B4-B6 then.. OK?!" Dexter said. The stupid little pawn at B4 looked at the clouds just as he had been doing the whole game. It took a couple of knocks on the head from a neighboring knight to bring the pawn into reality. The dork took a few steps up to B6. Janko countered this play with a move from C7 to C5. Then the two pawns fought. Dexter's pawn gave Janko's pawn a good kick in the shin and Janko's pawn dropped his lance like a dodo and started hopping around. Dexter's pawn gently stabbed Janko's pawn in the face with his lance. And so, the first piece was captured. [The Flip] The enormous crowd of 400 was watching the tense chess match from the wooden bleachers which, incidentally, were not sanded down, and were a major pain in the @ss. "Great match, isn't it?" whispered Bluespy to Flip. Flip nodded in agreement. "Yeah, but I'm still trying to figure out what length of time goes after 'centuries'..." [Captain R/C] [Title: Eh? ] R/C overheard this and responded with "Milenia" to Flip's eternal question. [Blue Spy] [Title: and yet another] To which Bluespy whispered, "And eons are next!" [Doctor Depraved] And with that, commented a depraved Depraved, the story is diddleyboob. [The Flip] "I agree," replied the Flip. "Good job! Circle gets a square," answered John Davidson. "Oh, goody!" yelled Jm J. Bullock. [Doctor Depraved] But then Alf strode up and punched Mr. Greenjeans in the nose. [Doctor Depraved] "HA!" said Dr. D., "It wasn't me, Alter keeps trying to rip my pants off, that faggot." "But...but..." gurgled Cappy, "He told me I was his ONLY lover!!" [Alter Ego] Alter said, "Wake up Doctor Depraved you're dreaming again because I don't ELVA make anyone thake their pants off. I use the power of persuasion." Then Doctor Depraved woke up in a cold sweat because not only was he not getting any in his dreams, life was that way too. Suddenly Doctor Depraved's mom rushed to his room because she heard the annoying cries and screams that he was making. She rushed to his side to comfort him because it was only a fews before he was to have another stimulating session with his Psychologist. Who just happens to be the man of his dreams Alter Ego...hahahha [Captain R/C] Cappy held his anger....but to no avail.. "IT WAS FINE UNTIL YOU AUTO REPLIED TO IT!!!!!!!!!!!! How Many Lunkheads out there do you think are depraved enough to actually read that stupid auto reply! HAVE YOU EVER HEARD OF EDITING YOUR OWN POST! WHY I OUGHTA...." "Have a Cow," Daggoth said calmly, making R/C look like a fool. "Black, white, or mixed?" Spidey asked, in responce to Daggoth's request. [Sevarian] ...and things were going so well, too.... [Daggoth Zedka] Start over I'll delete all of my posts.. [Captain R/C] Now what good is it if you write a segment, let someone else reply to it, and delete it again?! Leave it in! No one else writes on this board anyway! I often feel like killing a lot of mine because I don't like them, but I leave 'em. [Blue Spy] [Title: story ] Alright, let's get back to the story at hand! [Daggoth Zedka] We will... as soon as someone restarts it. [Doctor Depraved] You know Dag...I think your sig alone could satisfy the byte requirements for a library post... [A note from the archivist: There was an option to have the Hex BBS software omit the signiture-files from display when the messages were being read. When I was capture-buffering this story for preservation, I invoked this option. --NoN ] [The Insomniac] [Title: DAg... ] Does the album [advertised in his sig] include our favorite, It's a Polka Christmas? (((Let's start a story!))) [Shamrock] [Title: Great idea Insomniac! ] Why you you go ahead and start us a story? Is there anything you guys haven't had happen to Joe and me? Probably not!! How about the Royal Modem is stolen by The Villain and we have to track him to the center of the earth in a frantic attempt to retrieve it. The Hex is in danger of expiring forever without it. ------ or something like that ------- [The Flip] ...or "The case of the Dropping Characters: Who's Taking Them From Us?"... bleah. [A note from the archivist: He is refering to the bug in the modem driver program which caused letters and other characters to be dropped randomly, or rather, pseudo-randomly since it dropped the same ones consistently when you re-read the effected messages. --NoN ] [Bob Smith] There wouldn't be any plot to that. Everyone knows it would be Mag Mag (or Thief Thief, if you will) [The Flip] Could it be...Bob? Naaaah. Somebody must've stolen his password...yeah. [Bob Smith] No one stole my password. I sold it to a Japanese Conglomerate. It was really funny, they were willing to pay more for my password than they would for a Van Gogh painting. [Sevarian] Lemmie guess....you were brainwashed, right? [Doctor Depraved] No...smelly. (Lookee. Another useless post to secure my PC ratio in the realm of the gods.) [PC ratio = Post/Call ratio. --NoN ] [Xavier] [Title: Does he ELVA quit?? ] I guess he has us whipped! We'll never catch up with him coming back and posting that thoughtful Psychobabble.... [Gabrielle A-Leen] [Title: Huh? Psychoanals? ] Wahat? Psychobabble? Huh? do YOU know what he's talking about? I dunno either.... [Redstar] [Title: Re: Huh? Psychoanals? ] >[Autoreply-quoted material from previous message deleted] > Ditto; what is he talking about??? [Xavier] [Title: LISTEN! ] I went to school with the bum for 3 years...I spent quite a good deal of time with him...(stop thinking that!) and *I* think I know....but you never can tell... of course, I seem to think the same way....but I try not to post it. [The Shogun] PsychoBABBLE? Maybe an Allen Parsons Fan....... [Nomad of Norad] Uh.... are we gonna try to write a story here? The old one seems to have died. Maybe we could try to get it going again, tho. The main problem that has brought us to a stop is the business with the big human chess game. To write it, one would just about have to keep track of an actual chess game. Hmmmm, maybe someone could re-make a chess game. That is, we could pick an already-played one and follow the moves it took in the story. However... that's too much bother. Perhaps if we just kept the moves vague. However, it might be a good idea... just perhaps... to each set up a chessboard by his terminal. Maybe. Anyway, SOMEbody make a MOVE! Please! :-) [Captain R/C] Geezz.. would you know it! Like clockwork, Floyd the castles last true guardian against the forces of Nintendo graphics is chasing those stupid birds again.. Oh no! Floyd! Watch out!!!! You're gonna ruin... "Great! This great stinking dragon just stepped on all of our pieces and messed them all up!!" said the bad guy. "Oh well, games off then..." said the good guy. Several members of the chessboard sat up and looked around. "Whoa... it's time to call Southeast!" And so, dear friends, this concludes this segment of the story, a segment which cleverly disposes of the Chessgame which essentially killed the story and led to muck-ups like Xavier post all over the story board about how the whether is in Zimbabwe. Next?? [Nomad of Norad] Pity... I had a really INNnnnteresting idea for a plot twist involving this live chess game... We could have just followed the first several moves, and then moved the action back stage to it... and away from it so we no longer had to keep up with the moves of it... Yeah! That would work! Hmmmm.... Or should we start another story, instead? >Sigh< [Nomad of Norad] [Title: Story continues! (Disregard the story-ending above!)] Janko concidered a moment, scratching his head through his plastic crown. "B8-A6," he said. Zaphod jumped, startled by the mention of his position. He moved forward, around the pawn in front of him, and then right, to the edge of the board. [Redstar] Spidey: That sounded familiar, eh? [Captain R/C] (this IS a story board, not a discussion board, ahem! --Nomad) (hows that?) [Redstar] [Title: Hey... ] I'm just making a statement! [messages by Spider Man and then by Redstar, involving chess moves, moved to later in the story] [Nomad of Norad] Hmmmm, we seem to have jumped ahead. Only two moves have been made on the white side. One pawn got taken, and then we moved Zaphod out. Cappy is still at the starting position. ON WITH THE STORY! Dexter immediately said "C5-C6." The white pawns at B7 and D7 began to get very nervous. "B7-C6," said Janko. The pawn at B7 yelped in fear, but kept his composure. He stepped forward and timedly pulled out a small dagger. The two chessmen fought, but the white pawn was no match for Dexter's man. The white pawn was dead before he hit the ground. Like the pawn that died before, he vanished in the shimmer of a teleport beam to reappear outside the playing field, where he was carried off to be embalmed and buried. (Oh, BTW, someone who has actually PLAYED battle chess: When a piece tries to capture another piece... but fails, does the other piece remain at its current position, or does it automatically claim the position the attacked peice had just come from?) [Captain R/C] (The attacker always wins.) [Redstar] Cappy: Yeah, but wouldn't it be interesting if there was a setting so that the attacker not always won? And another where the rank of the piece determined the outcome? (i.e., pawn can be killed by anything, queen is invincible, except by another queen, etc.; just like Stratego!) [Nomad of Norad] [Title: Time Marches On... ] "C6-D7," said Dexter. The black pawn moved to a position that endangered Janko himself! Janko looked at the tiny screen in his hand, said "E8-D7" and stuffed the screen into his pocket. He moved to the square with the black pawn, who raised his big knife menacingly at Janko, his expression said "Weeee! This is almost too easy!" His gleeful expression changed to fear when Janko brought out a blaster. BLKLZZZAPZAP!!! No more black pawn! Dexter said "G1-F3." A knight moved out. Janko looked at his screen again for a moment. "H7-H5." "B1-C3," said Dexter. Another knight moved out. "H8-H6," said Janko. "C3-E4." "H6-E6." Dexter stared at his screen a moment. "E4-C5." Janko studied his screen: BLACK (dexter) H G F E D C B A +-----------------+ 1 | R . B K Q B - R | 1 2 | I I I I I I . I | 2 3 | - . N . - . - . | 3 4 | . - . - . - . - | 4 5 | i . - . - N - . | 5 6 | . - . r . - . n | 6 7 | - i i i k . - i | 7 8 | . n b - q b . r | 8 +-----------------+ H G F E D C B A white (janko) And saw that the black knight at C5 endangered Cappy at E6. He made his move: "E6-E3." [Spiderman] [Segment moved from earlier to here] Then the mysterious man said "D2 takes E3," and suddenly, Cappy realized that it was he that was being discorporated. "AARGH!!! it's 1024!!!!" were his last words. [Nomad of Norad] [Concerning the above moved message] >[Quoted lines from that message above deleted] Ok... NOW we get to the place where the above story entry fits in! (Oh. Redstar, go back and re-read the message just before this one. I made some additions since you read it. Much as you prob'ly don't care! :-) [Redstar] [Title: And it goes a little something like this...] [Moved] Then Spidey jumped up, knocked over the board, and yelled, "It's 1000, and my IBM is faster!!!!!!!!!!!" [Nomad of Norad] [Concerning the above moved message] >[Quoted lines from Redstar's message above deleted] And then we get to this message. I assume they knocked over another chessboard, say, one where they were duplicating each move on the biiiig board so they could get an easy overview. Remember, our chess game is being played on a "board" the size of a football field! [Sevarian] You know, it just occured to me that we could have gotten this whole chess thing out of the way quickly (hey, it SEEMED like a good idea, back when) just by having one side run a Fool's Mate... Oh well, no turning back now.... [Redstar] Sev: Good idea, but foolsmate usually only works on an inexperienced player (unless a version of foolsmate is so cunningly deceitful, that even a Russian would be stumped!) Spidey: What was I looking for in the post, huh? NoN: I guess so, I did not know the size of this game! I'd love to play mega chess like that!!!! [Nomad of Norad] Janko suddenly spotted the black knight at C5, and saw that it could take him. "D7-E8," he said, even as he moved back. Dexter frowned, then smiled maliciously. "C5-A6." The black knight moved to attack Zaphod, the white knight. A brief period of swordplay took place between the two. Having two heads can be an advantage, Zaphod was able to parry most of the black knight's moves. But the advantage wasn't enough. One straight thrust to the chest, and Zaphod stood stunned, looking with both heads at the hole in his chest. Blood spurted out with each beat of his heart. He staggered, then fell over backwards, and was beamed out of the playing field. Janko stared at the little screen, numbed by the losses. How could this game have turned so bad? After a moment, after a couple of tears, he called out the next move. "C8-A6." The bishop Insomniac moved to the black knight's square. Ol' Sleep put up a good fight. This time, perhaps it was dumb luck or perhaps devine guidance, the white knight took out the black knight. (Oh, and Redstar... there actually was a game like this in one episode of The Prisoner, only there the "pieces" didn't kill each other!) [Redstar] JqLttAYYeah? Well I have never seen that. I saw this full-sized versionQ8Frwa[U7A on "History of the World, Part I", <> (The Massachusetts Instutute of technology did it, also.) Fun to play like that, eh? (The line noise is driving me CRRRRRRRRAZY!) [Perfect] [Title: To the publec ] So much to do, so little time, a wise but unnacceptble excuse. [Redstar] >[Quote of his above comment about giant chess games here and there deleted] This post of mine got consumed by the line noise (I think it was the day of a big storm.) [Redstar] [Title: Re: To the publec ] > So much to do, so little time, a wise but unnacceptble excuse. Said perfectly! [Nomad of Norad] (This is a story board, not a discussion! Heh!) The Flip, out in the audience, stared at the giant board. Something about the game had bothered him. He couldn't put his finger on it, though. Now it was beginning to come to him. He got up and left the bleachers. A while later he returned, dragging a big book along. Redstar noticed him and got up and joined him. SAM JOHNSON'S BIG BOOK OF BATTLE CHESS appeared on the cover. "What is going on?" Asked Red. "You look... worried." Flip... uh... flipped through the book. "Uhhmmmm... something about the gameboard seems screwy..." "Like what?" "I don't know, somehow it just seems funny." "You mean like, the fact that the black side made the first move? White is always supposed to move first, isn't it?" The Flip suddenly looked at him, jaw hanging open. "Yeah! Your right!" He returned to the book. Soon he came to a page showing the starting screen of the game, with all the pieces in their starting positions. He glanced between this and the big screen. "Aha! It's... backwards!" "What do you mean... backwards?" "Look, the king and queen are transposed." Redstar looked at the page and the gameboard briefly. "No, the numbers are inverted!" "Huh? The what?" "Look!" Redstar pointed out where the numbers ran down the sides of the board to give the coordinates. "Hey! And the letters are reversed too! They've got the whole gameboard upside down! I mean... inverted!" "But... that means... He's got black and white switched!" The Flip stared at the big screen. "Yes! Of course! That explains how he was able to move first!" "Yes, and almost certainly he's got the game rigged in his favor!" "ALMOST certainly!" rebuffed Redstar. "OF COURSE he's got it rigged in his favor!" On the playing field, another white pawn bought the farm and was teleported out of the gamefield. "And there's another thing!" said Red. "Notice the delay?" "Delay?" "In the teleporting! When a victim is removed from the playing field---" "There's a delay before he reappears!" The Flip suddenly exclaimed. [Doctor Depraved] (From aliens to Battle Chess? neat idea.) Flip, after being so shocked, was shocked even further when a previously missing Dr. Depraved (who had disguised himself as one of the castles) lumbered up and smited him on the head with a huge, brick hand. [Redstar] Nice story, Nomad. [Sevarian] I keep meaning to post a chapter... [Nomad of Norad] "Dr D!" exclaimed The Flip. "Hello, and welcome back!" He then added, "And please don't do that to me again, sneaking up on me like that!" "I didn't know you were in the game," said Redstar to Dr D. "I'm not, I just dressed like this to... uh... fit the occasion." "Look," said The Flip, "we need to look into some things, there is something very suspicious about the game." "Uh..." began the Depraved one, "what do you propose we do?" "Well..." said The Flip. "Go look at the goings on at the black side of the gameboard?" suggested Redstar. [Koala Bear] [Title: Another story... ] Note: This story takes place after the story in progress.. [Body of post deleted. This new story involved the starship DROMONO SORRENTO, which came tumbling in, out of control, from deep space.] Postscript note: Yes, I am back, Thank you for your welcomes. Everything will be explained later. How about some participation in this story. Last time Nomad and I were the only ones writing. Even if you don't think you can write give it a try! Nomad will fix the rest :-) Signed Koala Bear. .? [Very short post by Redstar, in the K-Bear story, deleted.] [Severian] About story #1: That chess game is killing the story. If no one has any objections (Yes, Nomad, this means you ) I'll end it....but NOT by playing chess. It'll be typically bad "I've-backed-myself-into a-corner-and-must-find-some-colassally-stupid-way-to-end-the-scene" fiction. But hey, it ain't Asimov's. Oh yeah, Hi Koala. [Message by Captain R/C, in the K-Bear story, deleted.] [Nomad of Norad] Nah, I don't think the chess-game story is done-for yet. I am at the point of taking the focus of the story away from the chess game. Let's at least give it a LITTLE more time, I mean, we DO seem to be getting some more contribution to it now... As for the K-Bear story, I think I'll move it to the Vortex. (Uh... a sick bay in a private dwelling? That doesn't make any sense! >Sigh<) And I just noticed I am subop of this board. Ah! Nice! Thank you, Joe! Or whoever! [Nomad of Norad] Ok, I've moved the Koala story to TLVX, and entered a segment of my own there. It's on board 4, the (former) holodeck. [Captain R/C] ...excuse me, Nomad, but you said the old story was getting action? Why, because you posted again? You were the only one who knew what pieces were where. [Doctor Depraved] T O C O N T I N U E !!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! [Rest of post, set in the K-Bear story, deleted.] [Xavier] Amen! [Fairly short post by Doctor Depraved, in the K-Bear story, deleted.] [Doctor Depraved] Come on guys...someone else post onthe bloody thing. I've actually posted something real for once and everyone else gave up! [Sevarian] > >(Uh... a sick-bay in a private dwelling? That doesn't make any sense! >Sigh<) > Maybe he's REALLY SICK. heh. Ok, let's get off the chess board. Then we can get back to business. [Redstar] I love stories, but I can never write a good one. Uh, do you guys type 'em online, or do you download 'em? [Obviously he meant UPload. But, what's the difference? :-) --NoN ] [Sevarian] Whenever I contribute, I write offline and send it up. If I'm gonna have someone screaming at me for being online for eight and a half hours, it's gonna be because I'm playing NetHack... [The Flip] >[Quote of the above message deleted] ...or because of crashing the board, right? (800 minutes??) [Redstar] Yeah, whatever. I am on for a while because of all the posting I have to do! (But that usually doesn't take too long.) And speaking of U/DL, isn't/ wasn't there an up/download section on this BBS? Why is there always nothing in it? [Sevarian] Yeah, there was one...but you know how UD sections get...everyone is really happy when there's a program they want, but hardly anyone uploads. And the Hex's was mostly text files anyway. Flip: Ahem. That was 1955 minutes...something like 32 and a half hours. Geez, imagine THAT score. [The rediculously-large time-online count was, of course, entirely due to a computer glytch. Completely inaccurate. --NoN ] [Nomad of Norad] What I meant was that I had gotten the story away from the chessgame itself, which was what was holding the story back for the most part. I was about to bring out a major plot twist involving the strange delay in the teleportation, and in doing so take us completely away from the chess game. ---------------------------------------------------------------------- Meanwhile, in the chessgame, Nomad had just moved to attack a black bishop at B2. Bishop against bishop. As he entered the square, force walls came up to enclose them. For a moment, they just stood facing one another. Then the black bishop made the first move, slashing his dagger at Nomad. Nomad ducked out of the way, raising a sword at the other bishop. They fought for awhile, but Nomad was not very skilled at hand-to-hand fighting. Even sword against dagger was not enough. Two or three times Nomad bashed into the force walls. On the fourth occasion, he lost his sword, and the other bishop kicked it away and stabbed him repeatedly with the dagger and then with his own sword. Nomad lay on the ground, feeling the life seep from his body. "GOD! HELP ME! I DON'T WANT TO DIE!" As consciousness faded, he felt the teleport take hold and everything went dark. "Look!" somebody said. "It's Nomad!" Nomad opened his eyes and looked around. He was in a room about twice the size of a walk-in closet. There were two figures visable dimly, silhouetted by a forcefield that was at one end of the chamber. He noticed that the wounds were gone, though his clothes were still damaged. He put his attention back on the two figures. They were Captain R/C and... King Joe Powell?!?!?!? "What... what happened?" "Near as we can tell," said Cappy, "everyone that 'dies'--" he made the quotes-gesture in the air "in the chessgame winds up here." Nomad looked around more carefully. "Where are Zaphod and the pawns?" "They came and took them away," said Joe. "K.E.O. Joe," said Nomad, "you weren't in the game... how..." "Last I remember before I found myself here, I drank a life potion." "Oh yes." He thought a moment. "Which means the Joe in bed is a duplicate." It reminded him very much of something that had happened a year or two ago, when Jocko had been thought dead. [Doctor Depraved] Come on guys! If you aren't going to post a story on here, then post! --that made sense yes? O.k., look, are we gonna continue Nomads story or the other one? Lets stick to one! [Nomad of Norad] Well, I DID move the new one to TLVX... ;-) --------------------------------------------------------------------- "So, what do you guys know about our captors?" asked Nomad. He walked to the forcefield and looked closely at the projecting devices. "Not much," said Cappy, "but one of them had a Staff of Markaj." Nomad nodded, without turning around, saying, "Yes, I kind of guessed it would be so." He gazed for a moment through the forcefield, at nothing in particular. "Describe this man." "He was wearing long, black, silk robes, and a hood," said the King. "He said nothing, he just stood outside the chamber and watched the other men enter and lead out Zaphod and the pawns." "And what did these men look like?" "Aliens," said Cappy. "Furry humanoid aliens." Nomad turned around suddenly, astonished. * * * * The RED 417 shot through hyperspace at maximum speed, its mission to Shaartak's World aborted by word that a flying saucer had broken a particular renegade Mage out of the prison planet Veerd. A saucer like the one they were following now, under cloak, wondering where it was going. They did not know it was headed for Earth, but they suspected it. [Koala Bear] [Title: Ahem. ] Oh well, so much for my GRAND entrance...(sigh) back to TLVX. [Rest of post, consisting of two lines of K-Bear story, deleted.] [Nomad of Norad] "So," said Joe, "whose idea was the chess game?" Cappy looked surprised. "Uh... the book." Joe looked perplexed. "What book?" "You know... The Omnisient Book of Picking a Replacement King and Bathroom Repair." Joe looked at him for a long moment. "Cappy, there IS no such book." Astonishment flooded Cappy's face. "But... but... I saw it! We all saw it! It was in the royal library!" "How did you come to know about it?" asked Nomad. "Well... uhhhm... let me see...." Cappy sat in thought for awhile. "Oh yes, I was doing a research project on... uh... the relation between the number of bathrooms in the castle and the number of birds in the main courtyard." "And you used this book in the research?" asked Joe. "Well... there were a number of other books used, but...." "And why were you doing this report?" asked Nomad "Uh... some guy suggested it," Cappy said. "What guy?" asked Joe. Cappy sat another moment, looking perplexed. "I... I can't remember!" "Do you remember the discussion?" asked Nomad. Cappy became even more perplexed. "No! All I remember is... is..." He fell silent. "Well," said Nomad, "obviously Dexter and company must have planted the book in the library, and then arranged for someone important to come across it." "Yes," said R/C, "that must be so." They all sat there awhile, in silence. "How are we going to get out of here?" said Nomad. "Good question," said Cappy. * * * The flying saucer slowed and hovered at a spot in the Relihot Desert. The RED 417 settled down and hovered nearby, in cloak. There were signs of a building almost buried in the sand. "I'm reading a number of human-forms in that structure," said Pladgah, manning the scanners. He suddenly jumped in surprise. "And I someone just teleported in." * * * Suddenly Shamrock materialized in the chamber, she sat up and blinked, and then took off her plastic queen's crown. "What happened?" Cappy asked her. "The black queen got me," said Shammy. Janko appeared, followed by all the other white "chesspieces" left in the game. "I gather we just lost," said Nomad. Suddenly everyone was teleported out of the chamber, they found themselves in a circular room. Zaphod and the first pawns were there too. There was a feeling like in an elevator when it starts to move upwards, and there was a subtle humming sound. "That sounds like gravitic drive!" said Zaphod. "So," said Nomad, "we're in a spacecraft now." "Yes," said Cappy, "but where are we going?" * * * The RED 417 began to follow the flying saucer as it moved away, but without warning the sky was full of other identical flying saucers. They flew wildly about, in circles, turns, and zigzags. It was impossable to tell which was which. Then they all split up and set off in every direction, at great speed. The three mages just sat and gaped. * * * THX-1138 and Xavier stared in shocked disbelief at the bodies of the remaining chessmen and chesswomen. Shammy and Janko they could understand. But why kill off the surviving white chessmen? They would probably never forget the vision of the surviving pieces looking relieved that the game was over and that they had survived it, and then suddenly shaking violently as if electrocuted, and falling to the ground. Gary Wolfe came out, mounted the podium, and took the mike. "I hate to add to the shock and trauma of all this... but... King Powell is dead. He passed on not fifteen minutes ago." There was total silence. Dexter mounted the podium and pushed Gary Wolfe off. "So, I am now King! All subjects will obey my orders without question!" Three figures were dragged forward and stood in front of the podium, facing the crowds. It was Redstar, Spidey and Dr Depraved. "These three were caught trying to spy on me and my minions. They will be EXECUTED for this!!!"