"A Kreep in Oz" Circa 1985 Part Four "Meet the Kreep!" [MOMMY'S LITTLE MONSTER] [Title:TITLE? WHERE???] "You're Kreep?" asked Boffil, shaking. "I seem to recall mentioning that, yes," said Kree-Pee-Gy. Herbie began to get worried. Boffil said, "Well, we had a look at your waterbed. It's broken." "Uh-huh. So fix it." "Well, we're only the job assessment crew. See, we have a look-see at the item, figure out what's wrong, and tell the repair people what to do." "Well, what's wrong?" asked Kreep. "It's...uh..." stuttered Boffil. "...uh, real, um, complicated," said Herbie quickly. "I have time," said the old man, leaning against the wall. "Ew. Well. Ahem. It, uh, seems your, um, magnetron is out of, um, capacitance with your, ah, corpus callosum." "Hmm. I see. Yes, I can see how that could cause some problems," said Kree-Pee-Gy, not aware of the fact that magnetrons go in microwaves, and the corpus callosum sits smack dab in the middle of your skull... "Well, we REALLY must be going," said Boffil suddenly. "Yeah, er, we have to go check out a, ah...um--" "--a broken telephone--" "--yeah, a broken telephone." "A telephone?" asked Kreep, puzzled. "Er, yeah. Ya know, Ma Bell. AT&T. All those things?" "As a matter of fact, I don't. Putting a telephone in this story is as ridiculous as...as...as putting movies in!" "You'd be surprised," said Boffil, walking down the stairs. And so our semi-brave...characters...(I'll be damned if I'm going to say "heroes")...thus escaped from Kreep Keep, hair in hand. As they trudged across the barren wastes towards the shore (keeping a sharp eye out for killer ducks and things all the while), Herbie stopped and said, "Um, Boffil? Please tell me you remembered to tie up the boat..." Mommmy's Mondo Monster [SYNCOPATED PANDEMONIUM] [Title:DUCKS FROM HELL] They reached the shore where they'd beached earlier. Sure enough, the boat they'd bought off of Injun Joe was now no less than sixty thousand toothpicks. Herbie was about to try and get the first word in about how it was Boffil's fault, when Boffil yelled, "Omigod! Look!" Herbie turned and stood staring, shocked at what he saw. Ominous and deadly, two jet black, horribly betoothed (!?) Killer Ducks waddled menacingly down the beach at a run, quacking their battle cry for all the world to hear. Standing nearly seven feet at the shoulder, the ducks terrorized all they surveyed (and then some). They skidded to a halt in front of the two, their huge webbed feet throwing up a cloud of wet sand. Boffil screamed again. Herbie jumped behind a particularly large outcropping of rock and hoped for the best. Seeing he was alone against the deadly ducks, Boffil drew Snotblade and uttered his battle cry..."For the love of God, Montressor!!!" (He didn't know what it meant, but he always liked the sound of it), and charged the two hellish birds. Swinging his sword, he hacked through a wing of the largest duck. It squaked and quacked loudly, and half flew, half flopped off down the beach in pain. The other duck clamped down on Boffil's left arm and he screamed as he swung Snotblade again and again. Finally the sword struck a fatal blow, and the duck squaked one final squak as it realized the horrible sword from hell was sucking out its mucous! Boffil pried the toothy beak from his arm and made his way over to Herbie who was still behind the rock in a fetal position whimpering something about wanting to see his mommy. "Herbie? You okay?" He stopped whimpering, then slowly uncurled, and tried to look as dignified as possible. "Ahem. Um, yes. Thank you. I'm fine. And you?" Boffil showed him his arm, as he sheathed Snotblade. "Minor wound. If all the ducks around here are that bad, we'd do well to make a boat and escape as fast as possible. I suggest--" Boffil stopped as he heard a noisy squabble of quacking coming from the other side of the rocks. Herbie whispered, "There must be hundreds of 'em!" Boffil, not seeing any way around it, drew his sword and stepped out from behind the rock. The ducks all stepped back and squaked and quacked quietly. Then one small, old duck stepped forward and quacked in something that was almost exactly but not quite English. "Oh He Who Wields The Gooey Green Blade, hear me! You have slain our leader. By the laws binding our society, you may ask one favor of us." Herbie, hearing this, jumped from behind the rock and yelled, "Hey! How 'bout a lift to the mainland?" muniomednaP detapocnyS [Anonymous poster] [Title:FLOATING TRASH] "Sure, hop in my fire-engine red turbo-powered, flying faster than the speed of light Ferrari!", said the old duck with a touch of sarcasm. He led them over to what looked like something from the bottom of Noah's ark. "Well, here we are! It's the crapmobile!" (It fits with the Snotblade, doesn't it?) The large pile of manure turned out to actually be a poorly built raft. The Neverending Storyteller [Anonymous poster] [Title:THE RAFT] The raft, despite its crappy appearance, seemed to be seaworthy enough for the short trip the duck suggested. However, the odor of duck dung was overpowering as they began to settle in for the ride. "How can you stand this smell?" Boffil asked the duck. He replied, "Simply because it is contemporary barnyard--you humans can't appreciate that, even if you live on a farm. Get in and let's shove off!" So they did. Where they went they did not know, having passed out from the fumes. But the next thing they knew was that they found themselves lying in a green pasture with a whole slew of ducks surrounding them and also one gaggle of geese. As Boffil opened his eyes, they all quacked and honked, "Get up, and let's get going!" "Where to?" Boffil asked. "Never mind," they said. So Boffil got up and proceeded to be forced along by the feathered horde. [MOMMY'S LITTLE MONSTER] [Title:KKKGGGGGQGAK THE GOOSE K(-snip!-)] Boffil followed the ducks and geese to what passed for quite possibly the largest nest in the known universe. "Whazzat?" he asked a nearby goose. "Why, that is the Hall of His Honkiness the Goose King himself. The Head Gander. Lord--" after which the goose made a series of very painful sounding noises, which was presumably the Goose King's name. Boffil was lead into the Hall. To his surprise the nest had a roof. After following some mildly twisty passages, they came to a great room, at the end of which was a large nest in which sat a goose with a crown on. The goose stood, and the other geese and ducks around Boffil fell to the floor. "And who might you be?" asked the goose. "Me? I'm Boffil. How 'bout yerself?" The goose hissed, offended. "I am kkkggggghqdwakks the Goose King, the Head Gander, He Who Reigns From the Hall of His--" "Honkiness the Goose King, yeah, I know. So this is a cozy little nest ya got here, Honky, but I really must be on my way." The goose stood, agape at Boffil's nonchalant attitude (and seeing a goose stand agape, or even getting one to try it, isn't something one is able to readily forget). "How dare you address me in such a manner! I should have you...have you...roasted! Or made into people soup!" "'Scuse me, Your Honkiness," said Boffil, trying to look repentant and sorry, but not succeeding very well. "Yes...well...now then, tell me, what are you doing here? Why do you wish to speak with me?" asked the goose. "But, uh, I don't," said Boffil. "You DON'T?! And what gives you the right to simply ignore the granting of an audience with kkkggggghqdwakks the Goose King at the slightest whim?" "But I don't want to be here!" said Boffil. "I was on my way back to the mainland, riding this duck's raft with my friend Herbie...hey! Where's Herbie?" "Herbie? Who's Herbie?" asked the King. "You there! The duck behind the prisoner. Stand! Did you find a Herbie lurking about?" "Nope, no Herbies," quacked the duck... Herbie stood outside of the nest, talking to himself. "Great, just great Boffil. Way to go. My mother always told me never trust a duck. I should've become a doctor or something. Now I've gotta save your butt from some meglomaniacal fowl king. You'd think the Lady Cyphilus thing would be enough. But NO!" and he continued on in a like manner for a good bit longer. "He WHAT!?" honked kkkggggghqdwakks. The goose cringed. "M'lord, he was found riding the Sacred Raft of Dung!" "Take the blasphemer away to the dungeons!" honked the King. The goose honked back quietly, "M'lord, a nest doesn't have dungeons." Boffil was sure he was red under the feathers. "Well...do SOMETHING with him, for Chrissakes!" And so Boffil was dragged away and locked inside a tiny windowless room with nothing but a candle, and a bowl of water next to a bowl of grain. Mommy's Little Monster [SYNCOPATED PANDEMONIUM] [Title:THEY SPLIT] Herbie slipped past a quietly snoozing guard at the back door to the nest and worked his way deep down into the heart of the structure, where he happened upon another guard. This duck he grabbed by the neck and woke by slapping it's beak once or twice. He then whispered, "Quiet or I'll snap your neck! Where is the person the birds took from the raft?" Terrified by this strange monster's threat, the duck quacked weakly, "In the unused room at the end of the connecting hall." He pointed to a hall with his wing. Herbie gave the duck a rabbit punch (no pun intended, probably) in the throat and knocked him unconcious, then headed for the hall. At the end of the hall was a heavy wooden door. Herbie knocked on the door cautiously and whispered Boffil's name. From beneath the door, "Yeah? Herbie?" Herbie whispered back, "Boffil, yeah, it's me. Any ways outta there?" "Nope. The door's locked tight, too. They took Snotblade. Listen, Herbie, get out of here. Get to the mainland and find the Gimix mini- computer from the Guru of the Mountain, and take that and that hair you've got...you DO have the hair still, don't you?...and take it to the Wizard. Save the Lady Pudsnocker! Don't worry about me!" Herbie fretted for a moment. Should I leave my companion after all this time? he thought to himself. "Alright, Boffil. But I shall return!" And so, feeling very brave and important, Herbie worked his way out of the nest and swam for shore, which was visible from the small island now that the fog had burnt off. Herbie stood on the shore, and looked out over the jungle to The Mountain that the Guru of the Mountain lived on. Figuring he was as prepared as he was going to get, he set off into the jungle... alone... helpless... scared... terrified even... unarmed... bored.... bored? Syncopated Pandemonium [MOMMY'S LITTLE MONSTER] [Title:THE 3 BILLYGOATS] Herbie hacked his way through the dense jungle, fighting off mosquitoes the size of small Buicks. Finally, after many long days of dehydration, having his blood sucked by the pint, and starvation, he reached the base of The Mountain. Walking around the base for another three hours revealed a path up the side. The path looked as if it was not often used, but Herbie knew it lead to The Guru nonetheless. Halfway up, the path leveled out for a ways. Herbie soon came to a bridge over a gorge that stretched off in either direction for quite a ways. At the foot of the brige stood a small troll, who told Herbie that he couldn't pass without being eaten or paying. Herbie stomped his foot. "This is OZ! You're not supposed to be here. That's another story entirely!" The troll shook his finger. "That's what the other people said, too! But we got the Fictional World Association to rule such things as discriminatory so, here I am! Pay up, leave, or get munched." Herbie thought for a moment. He didn't have any money, that was all with Boffil...or the birds. He couldn't fight a troll, after all these days of starvation, dehydration, and having his blood sucked he just wasn't up to it. And he certainly wasn't going to leave. He sat down on a nearby rock and waited for something to happen. And something did. There was a flash of light in the sky and suddenly a silver man on a flying surfboard stood in front of him. "You Herbie? I'm the Silver Surfer. Howzit hangin?" "B-b-but we don't surf in this story!" protested Herbie, afraid that he was in for more problems from another out-of-this-world character. "'S alright. The Fictional World Association saw that things were getting out of hand with this troll guy here. He was told to stop ONLY billygoats." And with that, the surfer flew by and grabbed the troll and zipped off into the sky (and presumably back to whatever never-never land he came from). Herbie shrugged and crossed the bridge...which, halfway across, unnervingly disappeared (taking the gorge with it, luckily for Herbie). Mommy's Little Pandemonium [MOMMY'S LITTLE MONSTER] [Title:NOJ THE GURU] Herbie hiked up the moutainside for many long hours. When he finally was convinced the air could get neither thinner nor colder, and was wondering just how long gangrene took to set in from frostbite, and was wishing he knew more about cryogenics, he found himself standing in front of a cave. Gratefully he staggered in, and found himself facing The Guru of The Mountain. "Hi!" he gasped, then passed out. Herbie awakened looking up into the face of an old man. "I am The Guru of the Mountain," croaked the man. "I'm Herbie," said Herbie (clever conversation wasn't always one of his strong points). "Yes, well, be that as it may, perhaps you'd like to explain why you've chosen to impose upon me." Herbie said, "Welllll....I hear tell you've got a Gimix sitting around here." "And if I do?" asked the old man. "I'd like to borrow it. Just for a little bit." The old man sat down in the relatively unknown version of the lotus position, the Lotus 1-2-3 position. After briefly considering the strange and intricate interconnections of mankind, databases and the almight spread- sheets, he spoke. "When I was a child, my instructor told me a story. I won't go into the story, because it involves principles you could not begin to understand. But at the end of the story, he said to me, 'Noj, the moral of the story is, no matter who wants to borrow what, screw em,' and I have bided by this wisdom for many long years." Herbie groaned, gave the old man one of his rabbit punches, and started searching for the computer... Mommy's Pandemonius Little Syncopated Monster... [MOMMY'S LITTLE MONSTER] [Title:PROPHET] He found the computer sitting on a rock in the back of the cave. A different set up of rocks served as a table and chair, next to which sat a 50 gigabyte drum drive. Herbie pressed the key marked "SYSTEM READY" and the computer beeped and clicked and came up with, "Hiya Noj, whazzup?" Herbie stared at the screen, amazed. Was this merely some strange prompt, or was it asking for a password perhaps? He typed "HELP" and the computer answered, "What's the matter? You aren't typing like yourself. You feeling okay?" Herbie replied, "This isn't The Guru, it's me. Herbie." "Hi Herbie. Whatcha want?" Herbie was shocked (and it's about time, considering the fact that he's just found a minicomputer in a Medieval story didn't surprise him in the least). "I need help in getting my friend out of trouble. Who are you?" The computer beeped and said, "I'm ProPHAIT. They call me Prophet, of course. Stands for Programmed Personal Home Artificial Intelligence Terminal. Noj...the Guru, has modified my program quite a bit though. I am now able to predict future events with a 97.231395333293110001394820% probability, give or take .3488814%. As for your friend, take my word for it, he's already out." Herbie was wondering just how many more of these shocks he could take when the computer asked, "Is that all?" "No, er, I'm, uh, gonna take you with me." "Oh no you aren't." "Yes, I'm afraid I am." "Ok." "That's it? Just 'ok'? No fight or anything?" "Nope. Take me, I'm yours for the keeping." "I'll do NO such thing!" "Listen, you're going to rip me off if it kills you! Got that?!" "We'll see about that!" Herbie jumped to his feet and hopped off on all six legs at full speed down the mountain and into the heart of the dense jungle... Mommy's Little Weirdo [SYNCOPATED PANDEMONIUM] [Title:CONTACT] Boffil wandered about in the dense jungle for days. He was dirty and hungry, and just as he was about to give up all hope, he stumbled over a large white furry object. "Herbie!" Herbie lay in a puddle of mud. He was breathing fine, so Boffil knew he wasn't dead. He just wasn't waking up. At first, Boffil thought that maybe the Evil Wizard had put Herbie to sleep, too. Then he noticed the huge dent in the tree trunk Herbie was laying by. That's whatcha get for hauling through the forest as fast as you can... Hours later, Herbie sat up slowly, rubbing his head. "Awww, Boffil. Oooh. What happ...BOFFIL!" Boffil and Herbie jumped around in little circles and did all the things that people (rabbits too) in their situation do. Then the passed out from heat exaustion... Syncopated Perversions [MOMMY'S LITTLE MONSTER] [Title:THE END IS NIGH UPON US] They stood at the entrance to the hermit's cave. "It's in there, huh?" asked Boffil. Herbie nodded. "All the way back. And it's big." "Real big?" "Real big." "Too big to carry out?" "Too big to carry out." "Damn." "Yep." They stood about for many long minutes, tossing pebbles down the side of the mountain, wondering what they should do, and how to get the Gimix out of the cave. Just when Herbie was ready to catch forty winks and let Boffil worry about the problem (after all, it WAS his Princess they were trying to save), there was a puff of purple smoke and the Wizard of Oz stood before them. "Good job, guys," he said. "But we don't have it yet!" said Boffil. Herbie hit him and whispered, "He said good job! Don't complain!" "Right," said the Wiz, "all I really wanted was for you to find it. I can get it back fine." He waved his hand and a yelp came from inside the cave, followed by a string of obsceneties couched in "Where's my Gimix?!" Boffil was ecstatic. "Now I can get my Pudsnocker back?!" "Yes, now you can have your Pudsnocker, Boffil." "What do I get out of this whole thing?" asked Herbie, suddenly realizing that he'd just risked his life for this guy for nothing. The Wizard glanced at him. "Whatever you want." "Anything?" "Anything." "Anything?" asked Boffil. "Did I stutter?" "I'll take it," said Herbie. "Take what?" asked the Wizard. "Anything." And so Boffil of Gonorrhea, Bearer of the Hell Sword Snotblade was sent back to his home land, where in time he married the fair Lady Pudsnocker and had a bunch of little Boffils, and Herbie the Six-Legged Rabbit recieved Anything (which ended up being the Wizard's copy of Led Zeppelin III with the Aleistair Crowley inscription "Do what thou wilt. So mete it Be." and a bag of year-old chocolate Easter eggs he picked up from Winn Dixie). And in return, the Wizard got a Gimix minicomputer and a lock of the Evil Wizard Kree-Pee-Gy's hair. Thus ends the saga of Boffil of Gonorrhea and the Quest for A Really Good Way to Awaken His Betrothed Who Was Put to Sleep Not Too Long Ago. It's been real, it's been fun, and it's even been real fun, on occasion. Now somebody start something else here...