"A Kreep in Oz"
                                Circa 1985

                                Part Three
                           "Big Time Suspense"


[SYNCOPATED PANDEMONIUM]     [Title:OFF TO SEE THE WIZARD...]

    Herbie laid back, propping himself up on his elbows. "The Wiz is a
difficult guy to get through to, huh? Whyzat?"
    The munchkin swallowed. "Uh, if you're really into understatements, you
could say he's quite busy and leave it at that. He just doesn't have the
time to see every weirdo and his freak rabbit who wanders up to his door."
   As Herbie was deciding whether or not to take offense at being called a
freak rabbit, since he knew he very well was that, Boffil said, "Well,
we aren't just ANY weirdo and freak...er, different...rabbit. We have a
legitimate need to see this Oz character."
   Since Herbie was taking so long to do it, the munchkin decided it was
about time someone took offense at something, and jumped to his feet,
yelling, "The Mighty Oz isn't a..a 'character'. He is The One Who Does
Weird Things With PC Boards....he's The Reciter of Floyd Lyrics...the..."
   Boffil held up his hand. "Enough already. We get the idea."
   "So what do we have to do to talk to him?" asked Herbie.
   "Follow us," said the munchkin a bit anticlimatically.
   "Ya mean we don't have to travel to far and distant lands and gather
wonderous items of immense value, risking our lives and freedom in the
process. Or anything?" asked Boffil, puzzled. After all, that's the way
it'd always been in the books he'd read.
    Gonan cocked his head sideways. "I don't think so. I mean, if it'll really
do anything for ya, more power to you. But not to see Oz you don't."
    "But you just told us he was too busy to talk to people like us," argued
Herbie, more than mildly confused.
    "Look, buddy, you wanna see Oz or not? People our size can't have much
room for brains, so there's no tellin' what we'll do or say. Add that to the
fact that no one in their right minds would breathe the air surrounding our
sandwich, and those tiny brains instantly become tiny oxygen-starved brains."
    Herbie and Boffil thought this over. It was a weak argument at best, but
when they considered the improbability of the whole situation, they looked
at each other, shrugged, and marched off behind the munchkins to the
Emerald City.

    Syncopated Pandemonium

[DADDY'S LITTLE TROOPER]     [Title:JUST FOLLOW THE YELLOW BR(-snip!-)]

    And thus so, off to the mighty, not to mention smog covered, dirty
streets, and ladies of ill repute Emerald City. Thus they found themselves
following Gonan over the rolling hills of Oz. Now Herbie was even more
confused then normal, and I'm telling you, thats confused. It seems that every
thing Herbie had ever read about The Land of Oz was wrong. Finally getting up
the courage to say something about his bewilderment, he asked Gonan where the
famed yellow brick road was.
    "Oh God, not another one of those Oklahoma freaks about being under the
whrolpool!"

    "Oklahoma? Under the Whrolpool?" asked herbie even more perplexed. "Isn't
that Kansas, and over the Rainbow?"
    "Oklahoma or Kansas. What's the difference?"
    So herbie, even more screwed up then before, grudgingly shut up about the
whole thing.

   What a cliffhanger! What a cliffhanger!!!

        Daddy's Little Trooper

[MOMMY'S LITTLE MONSTER]     [Title:WAITIN' FOR WIZ]

    The group wandered through the forest until they came to an uneven brick
road, stretching off into both directions as far as the eye could see.
    "It's not yellow," complained Herbie.
    Gonan turned around and stared at him. "Didn't I just tell you that that
part is just a myth thought up by some backwater hick from the corn belt?"
    "Yeah, but..."
    "Always 'yeah, but'," muttered Gonan, turning around and heading off down
the reddish-brown brick road.

    After many long hours of marching, occasionally broken by a stop for a
onion and ketchup sandwich or two, they came to the top of a hill. In front
of them stood a city of shimmering green towers. "The Emerald City!" said
Boffil in a hushed, awed voice.
    "Is he always this quick?" asked Gonan sarcastically.
    The group walked down the hill to the gates of the city, which swung open
silently. "I don't remember the gates from the movie," said Boffil, as he
passed through.
    Gonan turned to him. "One, this is the dark ages. No movies here. Two,
if you're talking about Dorothy and all of those weirdos she was supposed to
be travelling around with, I can see you put more stock in those backwater
stories that I'd originally thought."
    Wondering how he'd come to know about movies, Boffil followed the rest of
the group into the city right up to the doors of the huge citadel. From the
movies, which didn't really exist, Boffil knew that here was where the Wizard
was to be found. The munchkins disappeared into a small door built into the
huge doors. The last munchkin through assured Boffil and Herbie that the
Wizard would be notified of their presence.
    Not knowing what else to do, Herbie and Boffil sat down on the green steps
and waited...

  Mommy's Little Monster

[SYNCOPATED PANDEMONIUM]     [Title:AUDIENCE WITH WIZ]

    As the two brave, fearless (both used very lightly) adventurers rested
against two towering emerald pillars in front of the doors to the Wizard
of Oz's citadel, they heard a flourish of trumpets. With no more sound than
the whisper of displaced air, the two huge green doors swung inward to
reveal a long hall, flanked by munchkins bearing trumpets.
   Slowly, Gonan strode down the hall to the doorway. "Gentlemen, the Wizard
will now grant you audience. Follow me." The two jumped to their feet and
marched off down the hall, the doors closing behind them.
   After a stroll of what must have been a good mile and a half, Boffil
decided to break the perfect silence. "Uh...Gonan?"
   "SHHHH!" the munchkin said, whirling to glare at Boffil. He then whispered,
"The Wizard has a headache. Big party last night. No noises." He then turned
and resumed walking.
   Fifteen or twenty minutes later, they came to a set of doors that dwarfed
the gigantic double doors at the hall's entrance. Gonan whispered, "You'll
find the Wizard in there. Stand here, and the doors will open when he's
ready to talk to you." Gonan then tip-toed off down the hall.
   Well after two or three hours had passed, the doors slowly opened. Beyond
was a huge chamber. Sitting on a stool in front of a small box with a glowing
square in the front of it was a small, gnarled old man. From somewhere,
Boffil was able to identify the tunes of "Atom Heart Mother" wafting about
in the room. Boffil cleared his throat. "Excuse me, sir...would you happen
to be the Wizard of Oz?"
   "QUIET!" shouted the man, whirling about on his stool, holding his head.
This rather surprised Boffil, after hours of complete silence, and he
dropped Snotblade on the floor, which caused the sword to set up a horrible
racket of moaning and burbling, as well as a noisy clatter as Boffil
scrabbled to recover his sword. Herbie stood by, picking at his teeth with
a nail idly.
   The man shook his head, and was suddenly young. "Sorry. Really killer
party last night. Got a huge hangover from it. So watcha guys want?"
   Boffil glanced at Herbie. This was the Wizard of Oz?
   The Wizard saw the glance and spoke. "Listen, I know what you're thinking.
How can this young kid be the Wizard of Oz, right? Well, listen. Look at it
from my point of view. In actuality, I'm well into my 700's. Not seventies,
mind you. Seven-oh-oh. Now then, do you think old codgers like that get the
girls? No, of course not!"
   Still a bit baffled at the eccentricities of the Wizard, Boffil nodded
slowly, then walked into the room. Herbie followed, and the doors silently
shut behind them. Boffil began..."Sir..er...Wizard, uh..."
   "Drop the title crap, it makes it easier," said the Wizard.
   "Well, uh...I don't quite know where to begin..." said Boffil.
   Seeing that this could take a while, Herbie looked around, and headed
for the refrigerator, hoping there'd be more than anchovies and peanut
butter in there...
   "Listen," said the Wizard, "If you've got a problem, out with it pronto.
I'm a busy guy. I've got a city to run, my userlist alphabatizer is on
the blink again, these other two guys are supposed to be moving in...so,
make it quick, or don't make it at all." He sat back on his stool, and
awaited a reply.
   "Uh, well, see, it's like this..." said Boffil, and then told him the
entire story from the day the Lady Pudsnocker was found asleep, right up
to where they'd found themselves in front of the doors to the Wizard's
chambers.
    The Wizard spun back and forth slowly on his stool, thinking. "Hmmm.
Yes...you do have quite a problem. Especially with this evil wizard, what's
his name...Kree-Pee-Gy. Why exactly did this wizard put her to sleep in
the first place?"
    "Well...um...." said Boffil, thoughtfully.
    Herbie walked over and said (with a mouthful of pizza and Coke), "Mff.
Cuf iff nuffin hafined, we wunnint haf a story on dif board." Brushing
half-chewed pieces of pizza off of himself, he headed back towards the
'fridge to find some Twinkies.
    "Yeah, that's it," said Boffil.
    "I see," said the Wizard, sounding suspiciously like a doctor. "And you
say these Preppies are working for Kree-Pee-Gy? Alright. I'll get right
to it. But first, you must do one thing for me."
    Boffil sat down in a chair which hung from the ceiling. He'd been
expecting this part. The terms on which the Wizard would work. Probably the
usual. An arm and a leg in gold, and fifty dark eyed virgins, or something of
the sort.
    "What do you want?" asked Boffil.
    "Two things, actually," said the Wizard. "One, I'll need a bit of Kree-
Pee-Gy's hair to perform the necessary spells. Two, I want you to go to
the Guru On The Mountain and...ahem...acquire...his Gimix minicomputer."
    Boffil reeled. "You want US to go and get Kree-Pee-Gy's hair?! And what
in God's name is a gimixminicomputer?"
    "You'll know the computer when you see it. A large blue box. And all I
need is a bit of hair, a strand or two will more than suffice. It's not
like you have to shave him bald or anything."

    And so, our two adventurers set out from the Emerald City in search
of the Isle of Doom, Damnation And Really Horrible Evil Stuff, the place
which, according to legend, was inhabited by the Dark Wizard Kree-Pee-Gy
and his minions...and also, to search for the Guru On The Mountain, known
to a very small number of mortals as ThE OuTcAsT, and to an even smaller
number, by his real name...


    Boy, real exciting, huh?

      Syncopated Pandemonium

[MOMMY'S LITTLE MONSTER]     [Title:OFF TO SEE THE KREEP]

    Joe, an Indian, was wandering through the woods picking berries, shooting
deer, and doing other Indian things. He stepped out on to the shore of the
River of Gobeldygook (or, as the Indians cleverly named it, The River of
Water That Flows Downstream And Stuff Like That And Has Fish And Things),
and nearly ran into a man. Joe dropped his bow and screamed when he saw
the beast behind the man...a demon rabbit, obviously sent to torment the
young hunter by Fffnt the Rabbit God. Joe fell to his knees and begged
forgiveness.
    The man turned to the rabbit and said, "Herbie, would ya get a load of
this guy?" The demon rabbit chuckled, and Joe was sure the man had spoken
some secret command, since the rabbit didn't go into it's fabled Demon
Rabbit Killing-Frenzy.
    Joe stood. "My most humble apologies. I am Joe. Injun Joe."
    "'S alright," said the man. "Listen, you know where Kree-Pee-Gy lives? I
hear it's an island somewhere around here."
    Joe looked up, horrified. "Y-you seek...him???" This confirmed it. The
man and his demon could be nothing more than messangers from the leagues
of darkness. Joe knew enough about mysticism to know that if he told a lie,
the demon rabbit would know instantly, and would lessen Joe's chances of
survival greatly.
    Joe decided to be truthful. "The one you seek lives on an island at the
mouth of the river. There." He pointed downstream. Joe hoped that they'd
spare him because of his truthfulness.
    "Thank you, Injun Joe," said the man. "Would you perhaps have a boat we
could buy off of you?"
    Joe could not believe it. The man, who held sway over a demon of
incredible power and prowess, was actually offering to buy something instead
of just taking it. Joe was astonished. "Yes! I have a canoe! Follow me..."
The trio trotted off into the forest, to where Joe had his canoe hidden. He
spread the palm fronds hiding it, and presented his canoe proudly. "Here is
my canoe."
    "How much?" asked the man.
    "Whatever you deign to pay me," said Joe, cautiously.
    The man looked back at the rabbit. The rabbit riffled around in a bag
hanging at his side and drew out a handful of gems. Some were of value, and
others were merely cheap baubles. Joe accepted them gratefully.
    The rabbit picked up the canoe (demon rabbits always were said to have
great strength), and the two disappeared into the jungle-like forest. Joe
fainted.

    [Some text moved forward from here]

[MOMMY'S LITTLE MONSTER]     [Title:GEORGE WEATHERBY;SEA MONS(-snip!-)]

  God, if you people get any more interested in this story, it might even
become a real story board! (Whatta thought...)

    And so it began. The pair settled themselves in the canoe and began down
the river towards the ocean, and the evil Wizard's isle.
    Not more than an hour down the river, a huge green scaly head rose from
the water. Boffil and Herbie, in a panic, managed to bring the boat to a
standstill. The head spoke (in a ridiculous English accent), "Wot's the
password?"
    Boffil fidgeted for a moment, then said, "We're not really sure..."
    "Oh, bloody 'ell. Why me? I alllllways get the morons. Well, I can give
yew three guesses, and no more."
    "Ummmm," said Herbie, "uh....Rumpelstilskin?"
    "No," said the monster, obviously very bored.
    "Qwoarbls glurk blrorob?" burbled Snotblade.
    "Nay," repeated the beast.
    All eyes fell on Boffil. Impulsively, he leapt to his feet (almost
tipping the canoe [and Tyler too?]), and screamed "BELLYBUTTON!!" in a
very dramatic fashion.
    A long silence followed. The monster spoke. "That's silly."
    Boffil sat down and fidgeted with his sword again. "Well...er..."
    "You're sure you don't wont to chainge et?" the thing asked.
    Herbie nodded madly, and Boffil said, "Well, it WAS my guess..."
    "Quite sure?"
    "Yeah, I'm sure," said Boffil, unsure...
    "Oh bloody, bloody 'ell. And now I don't even get to eat the buggers!"
The beast sank beneath the surface. Herbie and Boffil stared at one another,
stunned. "Bellybutton?" they said quietly, in unison (with a low "Groblg?"
from Snotblade at the same time)...they were still thinking deeply when
they came to the end of the river, and found themselves in the ocean...in a
canoe...

    Mommy's Little Thingamajig

[MOMMY'S LITTLE MONSTER]     [Text moved here from back above]

    Hours later, Joe sat up. It was near dark, and he was cold. He jumped to
his feet and ran in the direction of the camp. He stepped into the circle of
Indians gathered about the central campfire. Chief Squatting Cow spoke.
    "Joe, whereum you go-um?"
    Injun Joe smiled and showed the group the gems. "Chief, I have sold my
canoe to travellers needing river transportation. As you can see, I made
out like a bandit."
    The Chief fingered a particularly large jewel. "I should say so! This
is worth more than...more than all of the fabled City of Manhattan!"


   Mommy's Little Monster

[MOMMY'S LITTLE MONSTER]     [Title:BIG TIME SUSPENSE]

    Fighting madly against five foot waves, the rabbit and Boffil managed to
paddle the canoe to the shore of the distant island of the evil wizard. It
was, of course, no tropical isle of shady palms, banana trees, and half-
nude native girls with grass skirts. Instead they looked out across a small
dark patch of rock-covered land. At the far end stood a dark and ominous
castle (what did you expect? Disney World?) complete with bats and howling
dogs and gigantic killer spiders and ducks and things...er...sorry...got
carried away.
    Herbie shivered, since it seemed like the thing to do. Boffil thought
for a moment, then shivered also. Not wanting to be left out, Snotblade
emitted a low moan and vibrated a bit. Once they were finished shivering
and moaning and everything, they set out across...The Island of Doom,
Damnation, and Generally Really Bad Evil (or, as the natives know it,
Thloqquaskblpol the Grutulent, for what it's worth...although, considering
it has no natives, excepting perhaps a few killer ducks, it's not really
worth much, is it?).

    After a bit of time, they came to the front of the keep. Herbie turned
to Boffil. "I don't like this."
    "Oh, and I'm just brimming with glee," mumbled Boffil.
    After a few moments of complaining to one another, they decided to look
for a back door. This being the screwed sort of story it is, they found
one. It was all big and black and doom-ish looking, but not nearly as bad
as the front door had been. "Shall I knock?" asked Herbie.
    Boffil smacked him on the back of the head. "Knock? Knock? On the door
of the evil wizard? On the Isle of Doom, Damnation, and Generally Really
Bad Evil? Are you crazy?! We ring the doorbell!"
    And so they did...

    The door swung open. Just fast enough to keep them from falling asleep,
yet slowly enough to keep the suspense at a ridiculous maximum. Just when
they thought they'd die of heart failure, they saw a face peer around the
door jamb. It was a little wrinkled face. "Yessss?" the face hissed in a
really dramatically creepy way.
    Boffil cleared his throat. "Er..hello...um, our, ah..."
    "Our car broke down..." supplied Herbie...
    "Yes, yes...er, no! We don't have a car, and besides we're on an island."
    "Oh yeah. Well, we were wondering...um, is the lady of the house in?"

     Mommy's Little Weirdo

[SYNCOPATED PANDEMONIUM]     [Title:HANDFULS OF HAIR]
M
    "Wait one moment, please," said the figure in a wheezing voice.
    "Very dramatic," said Herbie admiringly.
    "Quite," agreed Boffil.
    After a second or two, the door opened again. A wrinkled old prune of a
hag stood in the doorway, messing with her hair and making a sadly ineffectual
attempt to look halfway decent. She said in a high pitched voice, "Igor tells
me you're looking for the lady of the house..."
    "Yeah. Could you get her?" asked Herbie.
    "I AM she," she said, offended.
    "That makes things easy, doesn't it?" said Boffil. "Er, we're, uh..."
    "Oh, I already KNOW who you are," said the woman.
    "YOU DO?" asked Herbie.
    "Of course! You're the men...er...rabbits? people...hmm...who I called
about fixing our vibrating waterbed. Why, who else would you be? With all
of these mad dogs and killer ducks Kreep keeps around here, we NEVER get
visitors."
    "Yes! That's who we are!", said Bofil much to Herbie's suprise.
    The old hag ushered them in. "Follow me. The bed's on the third floor.
Say, don't you guys work with tools?"
    Herbie glanced at Boffil, worried. "Uh...n-n-no...it's umm...it's
against our religion."
    The woman gave them a cock-eyed look, shrugged, and went up the stairs.
    In the top of a particularly eerily dark and dank and all-around
yucky tower, they found Kreep and the hag's room. Against one wall was a
chest of drawers with a broken mirror, some empty purfume bottles, and a
few combs and things on it. Also in the room was another set of drawers
with a comb and a few crystal ball looking things, and the waterbed. She
pointed at the bed. "There it is. Stupid thing stopped working just as--"
    Herbie interrupted. "...yeah, we get the picture. Um, if you don't
mind, we like to work alone..."
    "Yeah, sure, whatever," she said, turning and heading off down the
stairs.
    Boffil and Herbie leapt for the comb and grabbed a handful of hair.
"Got it!" exclaimed Herbie.
    "Yeah, but now we gotta get out," said Boffil.
    "Aw, you're so depressing," mumbled Herbie...

   Syncopated Pandemonium

[MOMMY'S LITTLE MONSTER]     [Title:MEET THE KREEP]

    And so they thought...and thought...well, Boffil thought and thought.
Herbie thought once, then started bouncing on the waterbed. Various
ideas such as flying out the window and shrinking into subatomic particles
and sneaking past them were quickly discarded as time consuming or too
far on the impractical side. After a few more thoughts and thoughts,
Herbie, who'd now tired of the bed, said, "Why don't we just walk out?"
    "Great," said Boffil, with as little enthusiasm as he could put into it.
    "Well, it's better than your stupid subatomic idea."
    "What do you expect with your idiot bouncing. Our lives are on the line
here and you play on the waterbed."
    "Well, come on," said Herbie, heading for the door.
    Boffil, seeing no better ideas hiding anywhere, got up and began down the
stairs with Herbie. Halfway down they heard a whistling coming up towards
them. A second later, a little old man nearly bumped into them coming up
from below. "Oh! Excuse me! You must be the waterbed people."
    "And you're..."
    "Oh, I'm Kree-Pee-Gy..."

    Mommy's Little Monster