"A Kreep in Oz" Circa 1985 Part One "What If They Called a Slumber Party and Nobody Came?" This tale was written by a bunch of self-proclaimed weirdos on The Land of Oz BBS of Jacksonville, Florida, a board now sadly long gone. The sysop was John Pendleton, a.k.a. Wizard Esq. [MOMMY'S LITTLE MONSTER] [Title:A NEW BEGINNING] Early one morning Boffil of Gonorreah set out on his trusty steed, Hugo, in search of the legendary Land of Oz. At his side rested the semi-sentient sword Snotblade (named such due to occasional gurgling noises it made, especially on Tuesdays, and an eerie green glow it gave off when it was in a good mood). As he rode, Boffil pondered the days ahead. According to ancient legend, the Land of Oz was off to the south, beyond the Verihot Desert, past the fabled Palace of Lady Cyphilus (enchantress at large), and, it was said, perhaps even beyond the very edge of the known world. Little more than that did he have to go on, yet he still accepted the mission. The seer in Gonorreah had told Boffil that only the Wizard of Oz himself could bring his betrothed, the fair Lady Pudsnocker, out of her magically induced slumber. For this Boffil would risk his very life. Not to mention Hugo, his horse. (Mention of Hugo was made at Boffil's request, who is a member of the SPCA Fund Raising Committee and therefore could write off any profits made from this text as non-taxable income.) However, the terrorizingly evil and generally really bad guy that put the beautiful Pudsnocker into her deep and eternal sleep received word of Boffil's quest and set out to stop him. It was because of this terrible sorcerer, Kree-Pee Gy, that after travelling an uneventful ten miles or so, Boffil was suddenly confronted by a band of ravaging Nabooti Belch Demons... Mommy's Little Monster [THE ELF] [Title:BUMB,HUH!] Meanwhile back in The Land of Oz, Wiz was having a problem. There was this one board he couldn't think of a name for. It was board H, & he was desperate. All of a sudden a... well anyway, an IDEA formulated in his head having to do with Nabooti Belch Demons. Will our hero (Boffil) get to Oz before Wiz calls it The Continuing Saga of The Nabooti Belch Demons?????!!!!???? Wait & See. ELF [THE S&H GREEN STAMP] [Title:ABC123] After they made the hard and not really all that dangerous trip through the Relihot Desert our sorta brave and a drip of a hero made it to the Land of Oz... Well, it sorta LOOKED like Oz, it had a pitted greenish-black brick road from acid rain, a bad pollution problem and a joke of this ruler called Wizard, but after all, that is who they came for... After making it to the local Taco Bell for a good food poisoning, Herbie came outside only to find that his horse had been jump-started (a not too pretty sight) and he was left only with Snotblade for companionship. Will our (or your, I would not touch this joke with anything) hero survive these latest sorta ghastly events? Probally so, but.... THE S&H GREEN STAMP [GALACTIC RAT] [Title:NEW COMPANION] After finding his horse Hugo missing, Boffil headed down to the local dog pound to get a faithful friend. There he found a six foot beige rabbit named Herbie. "What do you want?" said Herbie "A trusting and faithful friend," Boffil replied. "For what?" "To track down the wizard so he will, uh, he will, uh I don't remember but he'll tell me what I need him for too, I suppose." "Got any oranges?" "What for?" "Because I like them and this job is pretty boring." "You saying you want to come with me? I was looking for something more canine." "Listen bub, you don't want any of these dogs, they're stupid. They wouldn't know a wizard from a Rabbit." "Well I suppose it would be ok, you know what this Wizard looks like?" "No not really, but there can't be too many people running around in robes, can there?" "Well let's get started." Night fell as Boffil, his sword Snotblade and Herbie the Rabbit set out to find the Wizard. **************************************** NEEEXXXTTT!!!!!!!!!!!!! [MOMMY'S LITTLE MONSTER] [Title:FOREST OF ALL AROUND DOOM] Boffil left the pound with his rabbit hopping along behind him. In an effort to make conversation, he turned to the rabbit and said, "Perhaps you have some information on the land of Oz that may be of some significance to us and our quest." The rabbit's brow furrowed as he thought. "Wellll...I seem to recall it was generally known as the Emerald City at one time," he said as Snotblade gurbled approvingly (after all, green was his favorite color). This being of negligable help, Boffil gave up any attempts at conversation and walked along in silence. A mere five miles down the road, they came to the edge of a deep, dark forest. "Funny, I don't remember a deep, dark forest here. Lessee...the Verihot Desert, the Lady Cyphilus' Keep, and the edge of the world. Hmm. Nope, no forest." The rabbit hopped up beside him. "This happens to be the Forst of Doom, Damnation, and All Around Pretty Bad Evil," the rabbit said in a hushed, awed voice. "The legendary home of the Nabooti Belch Demon Lord, His Infernal Putridness Nippleneck..." Snotblade shivered and moaned quietly. Boffil gasped. He wasn't sure why, it just seemed appropriate. The rabbit slowly turned and hopped off, hoping Boffil wouldn't notice. "Hey! Hold in! Where do you think you're going?" "Away," said the rabbit reasonably. "Humph. Some trustworthy and faithful companion you turned out to be." Snotblade gurgled haughtily, and the rabbit's nose turned red in embarrassment. "Well, er, I uh...well..." he said speculatively... "Yeah, well, you just go hop back to the pound, buddy boy. Sure. See if I need YOU." Boffil of Gonnoreah spun on his heel and walked forward bravely into the Forest of Doom, Damnation, and All Around Pretty Bad Evil. Little did he know, hiding behind some particularly large, withered oak trees was the Nabooti Belch Demon Tribe of the Eastern Quarter (after all, Boffil was entering the forest from the Eastern side). The rabbit hopped back and forth, unsure of himself, as Boffil unknowingly walked headlong into a trap that would take him straight to the Hold of the Horrible Nippleneck... Mommy's Little Monster [BRAND OF AMBER] [Title:DIFFERENCE BETWEEN] Just before Boffil reached the oak, Herbie, the rabbit (who didn't want to go back to the dog pound) said, "O.K., you've convinced me that..." Just then a dart shot by an eager Nabooti thudded into the nearby tree just as a Boffil turned around to see what the rabbit had to say. "RUN!!" cried Boffil as a hail of darts erupted from the forest. Finally outrunning the horrible Nabooti Belch Demon Tribe, Boffil and Herbie collapsed onto a large boulder. After resting for awhile Herbie decided to look around, and behind the boulder was a large hole in the ground. "Hey! Look at this large hole in the ground," Herbie yelled. "You wouldn't know a hole in the ground from your A**," Boffil observed. "Well, come here and look at this anyway," said Herbie. Going around the boulder, Boffil said, "I'm sorry, you do know the difference. Well, as long as we're here, let's investigate." "O.K.," agreed Herbie. Entering the hole, Boffil and Herbie were immediately captured by... [MOMMY'S LITTLE MONSTER] [Title:INTO THE HOLE...] Boffil lowered himself into the hole and found himself standing at the top of some stairs. Herbie jumped down beside him, landing with six solid thuds. "Shall we?" said Boffil. "After you," said Herbie. Boffil slowly and carefully descended the stairs. After a few minutes, he began to wonder if there was any end. A few hours later, just as Boffil was really getting into chastizing himself for ever deciding to enter the stupid hole in the first place, it opened into a huge chamber. The two found themselves on a balcony high up in the air. From the floor, well over one hundred feet below, to the ceiling, about fifty feet up, there were torches placed seemingly randomly, but in great enough abundance to light the entire cave amicably. A merry, noisy din arose from below. Slowly Boffil and Herbie creeped over to the side and looked down. Below were humanoid creatures dancing about, breaking things, and just having a really good time. The average size was around four feet tall, their skin was a wild swirl of bright colors, and they had no left hand. Instead, the males (obvious as they wore no clothing) had what appeared to be a shot glass connected to the end of their left arm. Females had, even stranger, a champagne glass, complete with a stem and base. Boffil stepped back, aghast. "What, praytell, are those horrible beasts?!" Herbie chuckled (you ain't seen nuthin' till you've seen a rabbit chuckle), "Those? They aren't dangerous. They're Party Animals..." [BRAND OF AMBER] [Title:PARTY AND HANGOVER] "Well since you say they aren't dangerous, why don't you go down there and find out where this place goes," said our hero. "O.K., you got a glass?" "For what? You don't need a glass to find out information." "No, but if you think I'm going down there and miss the drinking, you're crazy!" "Oh, O.K., here but don't be gone long." With that, Herbie hopped down to the party. When he arrived, his glass was immediately filled and he was drawn into the dancing. After watching this for a couple of hours (and being thirsty himself) our hero, Boffil the Bungling, decided to join the 'PARTY.' After arriving, his glass was filled and he too was drawn into the dancing also. After six straight hours of drinking, dancing and not being able to pull himself away, our hero passed out next to Herbie, who'd passed out four hours earlier. Waking up much later, Boffil punched Herbie and looked up and said, Hey! Cut out the loud typing, there's dead people trying to die here. And quit putting words in my mouth, I have a headache. Owwww." Just then, through fuzzy eyes, Boffil, our hung-over hero saw the biggest most horrible monster in the world and managed to say, "Sssshhhh..." just before he passed out from the noise. Then the biggest most horrible monster in the world bent over, picked up Boffil, Herbie, and Snotblade -- who just sniffed (sniff, sniff) -- and the biggest most horrible monster in the world... [TERWILLIGUS THE TERRIBLE] [Title:NEXT EXCITING CHAPTER] ...carried them off to a dark and noisome cavern, some distance from the Party Animals' banquet hall. Herbie the Rabbit awakened (I use the term loosely) first. "Uhhhhooowww", "mggrrrfffmfmmmmm", and "braaaaaaaaaaaaaaaackkkkkkkk" were the first sounds he uttered. The noise was sufficient to stimulate Boffil's consciousness to awareness, and he uttered a similar series of sounds. As both of our less- than-heroic heroes slowly attempted to open their eyes, they became aware that this was not their usual place to awaken with hangovers. "Umph....where are we?" said Boffil in a very suffering tone of voice. "I seem to remember seeing the biggest, most horrible monster in the world looming over me as I passed out." "Do you mean the Mo..mphgh," Herbie attempted to reply, his efforts being rendered vain by the large hand over his mouth that Boffil had placed there. "Shhhhhh....don't mention that NAME!" cautioned Boffil. "You might attract his attention if you do that, and we don't really want his attention right now........DO WE?" he threatened. "Oh, NO, Boffil, we don't want to attract the attention of the Modif... mphgh," Herbie muffled through Boffil's hand. "I couldn't stand that....I ran into him once before, and I was trapped in Enter new number for days, trying to escape from him." [MOMMY'S LITTLE MONSTER] [Title:CAPITAL HILL] Just as Boffil finished warning Herbie, he realized that the room they were in strangely resembled a giant letter 'E.' He mumbled, "My God, Herbie, he's got us. The most horrible monster in the world, Modify Attributes, has taken us to his lair!" Herbie, not quite understanding what was so bad about a quiet place to work off a hangover, shrugged and fell backwards, pleasantly unconscious. Boffil shook him. "No! You can't go to sleep. What if it comes back?" "We can ask it for some coffee," said Herbie. "This is no time for a comedian, Herbie." "You're right. This is serious. Quick, call Bat Man." Boffil glared at Herbie, then stood up and looked about him. "And I suppose YOU can show me to the door," he said in a snide tone. Herbie pointed at the wall to Boffil's right. Boffil glanced at the wall, and, much to his surprise, there was a door. "It's a door," he said slowly. "So it would seem," muttered Herbie. "Care to try it, or are you going to identify everything else in the room first?" Boffil walked over to the door, confident that it would not open. After all, it hadn't been there a moment ago. He turned the knob and the door swung open, revealing a stairway leading upwards into sunlight. "But...but..." he said, turning to find Herbie standing behind him, arms crossed and feet tapping impatiently. "Well, are you going to go up or what?" Boffil walked up the stairs and into sunlight, Herbie followed close behind. "Where are we?" "How am I supposed to know?!" "Well," said Boffil, "er, uh..." "Exactly." And so they chose a direction, East, and began walking. Four miles later, they stepped out of the edge of a small forest on to a road. "Well, at least we know we're somewhere a little important." "That's of small consolation, considering this road appears to be of Tician construction." "Tician?" said Boffil, puzzled. "For the brave adventurer, you sure don't know much, do you? Yes, Ticians. They're really rather curious animals. And sneaky, too. Alone they are on occasion of some help, however, when they get together, they form a group mind, called a Politician, and that's when they get nasty..." Boffil jumped when he heard a roar behind them. Herbie spun and found himself face-to-face with a Politician of ten full-grown male Ticians. He muttered something like, "How can a six-legged rabbit and a wimpy hero face an entire Subcommittee?!" then gracefully and calmly passed out. Mommy's Little Monster [GRIM REAPER] [Title:SNOTBLADE IN COMMITY] [The text of this segment is missing] [Ironically, the next segment begins like this:] [BRAND OF AMBER] [Title:BOFFIL AND EVERYONE ELSE] Where were we? "I don't know. I can't see the message above me. Too fuzzy you know. Last I remember there was the most horrible monster in the world, then I passed out." "I know what you mean, I got this amnesia too. Well, Herbie, let's see where we are." As our two lost heroes tried to find out where they were, Hugo the wonder horse was finally calming down from being jump started. Looking around he seemed to be in a barn (some where over the rainbow...) The Wizard all this time was still fighting off the forces invading his garden, Killer Krab Grass. Meanwhile, back in the universe we know as ours, a black cloud settled over the good and kindly Wizard we know as our Sysop. Will our heroes find out where they are? Is Hugo the wonderful really in a barn? Will the Wizard win the war against the Killer Krab Grass? What is the cloud that has settled over our Sysop? Are any of these situations related? Will any of these questions ever be answered? Does anyone really care? Tune in, Same Bat time... Same Bat channel... Same Bat BBS... Next week for these and other answers. (Hum Bat theme or come up with one for Boffil, Snotblade, Herbie, Hugo, the Wizard, Dorothy, the Lion, the Tinman, the Garbageman, the Postman, the Bagboy, the Cashier, Ad Infintum, Etc.) [ROBERT CRAWFORD] [Title:DEVELOPMENTS] Scene: WIDE-ANGLE view of world of bbs's. CAMERA sweeps by Elsinore, passes over the ramparts of the CommHex Castle, and settles on a YOUNG MAN being bodily thrown out of the Province of the Silver Dragon... CLOSE UP of man's face: unshaven, hung-over. curtain up... "How was I supposed to know that the Regent didn't want Tequila on her sushi?!?" muttered the woebegone fellow as two samuri tossed his password out with him with "SUSPENDED- 30 DAYS" stamped in bold-face on it. He grudgingly gathered his belongings together, and set off down the path. Several hours later, while leaning against a tree in a forbidding wood just off the path he heard, "OUT! GET OUT! YOU ALMOST CRASHED MY (well Bart's at any rate) BBS, AND THEN YOU ASK ME FOR DIRECTIONS?!!" Boffil landed in a pile beside the rumpled young man, and Herbie slammed into the tree just above them and slid into a heap at the base of it. A still-huffy Michael Kendrick stalked up and dusted off his hands. Then he noticed the young man... "Are you with THEM?" he growled... "No. Why? What did they do?" "Not much. The official charge is being a public eyesore, but actually I just felt like stretching my legs..." Robert<==>treboR [MOMMY'S LITTLE MONSTER] [Title:BUFFY MUFFY AND SKIP] Herbie managed to work himself down out of the tree, a rather incredible feat for a six-legged rabbit. Boffil stood up, brushed himself off and mumbled something about mass confusion reigning supreme. "Can anyone tell us where we are?" The various people standing around, as well as a few travellers who had just arrived moments ago looked back and forth at one another, eventually agreeing that no one knew where they were. "Well, this looks like another fine mess you've--" began Herbie. Spinning to face him, Boffil yelled, "I don't want to hear it! Drop it, okay?!" Snotblade gurgled and burbled, as if expecting a small scuffle. Noting the blade, Herbie backed off, mumbling to himself under his breath. "Well," said Boffil of Gonorrhea, "We may as well introduce ourselves." "We can't do that," came a voice from the back of the growing crowd. "Why not?" demanded Boffil. "Because this is pretty much anonymous. More interesting that way." Meanwhile, as Boffil argued with the group about whether or not to let their identities be known, a group of repulsive Preppies had crept up behind a nearby hill, leaving their mounts, mainly Porschebeasts and BMW monsters, parked in a small clearing nearby. The leader, Buffy, muttered to his second-in-command, Muffy, "Alright, Muffy, here's how we'll get those reprehensible humans all in one staggering blow." He laughed a little nervous laugh through clenched teeth, then continued. "You take Skip's division around to their left flank, and I'll take the other division to their right. When I holler the battlecry, we'll both rush in and grab them. Got it?" Muffy whispered, "Got it! Absolutely smashing planning, Buffy!" then sneaked off, Skip and crew in tow. Boffil stomped his foot. "But there ARE no philisophical implications to consider!" The man, who had also refused to identify himself, said, "Yes, but if there were, what would you have to say?" "Well, I--" began Boffil, a bit confused. "I thought as much," said the man, sitting back down satisfied, his arms crossed. Just as Boffil was ready to point out how totally pointless this dis- cussion had become, a voice yelled out from his right, "IZOD!!!!!" and the repulsive Preppie-mass was upon them... Mommy's Little Monster [SYNCOPATED PANDEMONIUM] [Title:BRIEF BATTLE] Boffil's light-green blade flashed out. Argyle socks and pieces of garishly colored shirts flew in the air. The sky was filled with the cries of Preppies and humans alike as the battle raged on. Nearly an hour later, things settled down. Dead Preppies and humans lay strewn about the landscape. A few Porschebeasts had also been slain, and their carcasses lay in the middle of the road. Already, overhead, vultures were circling. Herbie hopped over to Boffil. "Now that's more like it. This adventure was getting a bit dull." Snotblade moaned in agreement, and Herbie said, "This adventure wasn't meant to be exciting. Come to think of it, when did it become an adventure? Listen, all I want is to get to the Emerald City and find this Oz character. While we're fooling around killing future businessmen, my beloved Lady Pudsnocker lies in an eternal sleep back in the fair city Gonnoreah." Boffil looked over and realized just how far back it had been when Herbie had begun snoring. Snotblade muttered and gurgled contentedly, stirred once, then was quiet. Realizing he'd not slept even once during this entire escapade (not to mention forgetting to eat), Boffil climbed into a tree and most ungraciously passed out. Syncopated Pandemonium [(R.C.)] [Title:DON'T FORGET ABOUT...] Mike, who was a bit ruffled at not being paid more attention to, picked up the sleeping duo/trio (does Snotblade count?) and quietly dumped them outside the boundaries of the Forbidden Cave. The unnamed young man watched the above proceedings with intense interest, especially the battle with the Preppies, being one who hated them especially well. "Asgk...snort! gffj...ackktphh," emanated from Boffil as he blissfully snoozed on, unaware that there were unseen eyes watching him. The rumpled man decided that there couldn't possibly be any companions quite as well... interesting as these and gracefully woke them so as to inquire about their destination; but when Snotblade sloppily glowed greenish and gurgled something about Lady Syphilis he could get no more out of Boffil. ...and he didn't even want to LOOK at Herbie... [SYNCOPATED PANDEMONIUM] [Title:MEET THE LADY C.] Boffil sat bolt upright, screaming for his mother and about some sort of nightmare that apparently dealt with meeting Stephen Stills and not quite knowing what to say. Mike, sitting on a rock with his knees drawn up under his chin and poking small insects idly with a stick, glanced over disinterestedly, wondering what the cave inhabitants would do when they noticed the commotion. He, for one, was out of sight of the mouth of the cave, safe from whatever might lurk within. Once he'd regained his senses, Boffil stood up and stretched, then froze in mid-stretch. Standing there, arms spread, he whispered to no one in particular, "Where the hell am I?" He finished his stretch hurriedly, then nudged Herbie with the toe of his boot. Herbie stirred, mumbled some obscenities to someone named Fluffy, and slept on. This time Boffil nudged harder, and Herbie sat up slowly, rubbing his eyes with two of his six feet. "Whaddayawant?" he mumbled angrily. Boffil squatted beside him. "It may or may not be of any interest to you, but we seem to have been moved in the middle of the night." "We're lost again. Just our luck. I knew we should've sneaked out when the Preppies showed up," muttered Herbie, still half asleep. "Yeah, well--" began Boffil, as he was jumped by sixteen large, fully armored Cabbage Patch Warriors. Boffil jumped to his feet and snatched his blade from its scabbard. Little Warriors flew everywhere, bouncing off of trees, walls, and various boulders. Boffil swung, Snotblade moaned, and a few small nylon heads flew, their necks spurting cabbage juice over everything. That was warning enough for the little people, and now Boffil stood ringed by Cabbage Patch Archers. One, adorned in red satin, instead of blue like the others, spoke in a squeaky little voice. "What brings you hither to the realm of the Forbidden Cave and the lands of our Mistress and Lady?" Boffil sheathed Snotblade and spoke, "My friend and I," he said, pointing to the prone snoring form of Herbie, "were taken here as we slept. We mean no harm to you or your Lady--" "Cyphilus," supplied the Kid. "--Cyphilus...Lady Cyphilus?! You mean you serve--" "Yep," said the little Archer, "We serve the Lady herself, in the flesh. So to speak, of course. She usually leaves that particular duty up to her... manservants..." Boffil was already thinking fast. "The Lady C. lives around here, eh? That must mean we are nigh upon the end of my quest. Or at least, more so than before." "Quest?" said the short figure. "You see, I, Boffil of Gonnoreah, have set out to find the Great Wizard of Oz, in the Emerald City. To do so, I must travel out to the very bounds of civilization itself, and into the Wilderness, the border of which your Lady's citadel marks. Upon finding the Wizard, I must then convince him to save my betrothed, the Lady Pudsnocker, from an otherwise eternal sleep lain upon her by some evil magician." "Good luck, bud. You think we're going to let you go now? And spread the word of the whereabouts of this Lady's castle? Not a chance. The place would be overrun with men in a fortnight. Yer coming with us," he said, jerking his thumb towards the cave. The outside of the ring began to press inward, so Boffil jabbed Herbie and told him to come along. The group entered the Cave mouth and wandered downward for many long minutes. Suddenly, Boffil found himself standing in a huge cavern, the floor of which was covered with a cabbage patch. "Our nursery," explained the Archer. "Come on through, and don't step on any mothers...er, cabbage plants." Boffil and Herbie (who was suddenly hungry at the sight of all this cabbage) picked their way slowly between the rows which were just wide enough to permit a Kid easy passage. On the other side, they entered another tunnel which wound about seemingly randomly, and going upward steadily the whole time. At the end stood a large oaken door. Here they stopped, and the Kid said, "Prepare yourselves to meet the Lady Cyphilus, The Incarnation of Beauty, Lust, Passion, And All Of That, Enchantress At Large." The door swung open, and Boffil gasped. "Large" wasn't quite adequate. There at the end of an ornate hall, in a large mohagony chair with velvet pillows, sat the Lady Cyphilus in nothing more than her birthday suit. Herbie picked at his teeth with a claw, not quite understanding what was going on, and not quite knowing if he cared or not. Boffil wiped away a bit of drool and babbled, "M'lady, I...gah...uh.." Herbie whispered, "Steady, Boffil...remember Pudsnocker..." Boffil glanced over his shoulder wildly. "To hell with Pudsnocker! This is a REAL woman!" He then leaped headlong over the Archer Kids in front of him and ran down the hallway to stand gibbering in front of the Lady, who seemed to be rather indifferent about the whole thing. "Wherefore art thou here?" she asked, after a time. "Wha...?" said Boffil, entranced. Herbie, still picking his teeth, said around one paw, "We're tryin ta find the Wiz. Of Oz. His GIRLFRIEND, the Lady Pudsnocker, seems to have taken a snooze, and forgotten how to wake up. So we're gonna see if this Wizard guy can help us out." Herbie looked away, disgusted with Boffil's reaction. "Then he is one of importance?" she asked, growing amused at Boffil's ramblings. "Welll....kind of," said Herbie, unsure of what answer would be most helpful to their situation. "Is he or is he not? I grow impatient with thee, rabb.....Rabbit? What art thou, anyway?" "A rabbit. I just happen to have six legs, because some of the writers around here are into mutations." "Ah. I know the sort," she said, gesturing towards her well-built chest. "However, let us return to the matter at hand, which is attempting to de- termine if he is of some import. If he is, sayest thou so!" "No," said Herbie, taking a chance. "'Tis a shame. He must die." "What?!" shouted Herbie over Boffil's inane ramblings. "You can't kill the Prince of Gonnoreah!"